- When Coach returns to town and takes the other guys to a strip club, an unhappy Jess retaliates by having a girls' night out with Cece.
- Nick gets a text from their old roommate Coach, he wants to hangout tonight. Every night with Coach is a party. Winston is sure this means he broke up with someone.
Schmidt comes in from the balcony, where he was retrieving his wind chimes for his new apartment. Coach texts Schmidt, too. For a brief moment, Schimdt and Nick forget that they're angry at each other and reminisce about when he got the wind chimes.
Then coach arrives and checks that everyone is ready to party. He broke up with Malia, she got all fat on him. He has no memory of Jess.
He calls Winston "shrimp forks" because the basketball always slipped through his hands. Coach announces they're going to the strip club.
Jess drags Nick into the other room, thinking it's kind of weird for a Tuesday night. Coach interrupts, accusing him of being whipped by his girlfriend. "We haven't even discussed the whole girlfriend-boyfriend thing," Nick says, digging himself deeper.
Nick protests that they simply haven't talked about it, or if they're seeing other people. When Coach interrupts again, Nick says he's just telling Jess what kind of cake to bake him. Nick can't believe the words that are coming out of his mouth.
Jess announces she's going out, because they haven't had the boyfriend-girlfriend talk, and she's baking a pineapple upside-down cake. Nick isn't sure if it's a metaphor, but he's concerned.
Jess goes for drinks with Cece, who advises if a guy wants to play games, she should play them back. She thinks of Artie from the coffee shop. He looks like Taye Diggs (because he's played by Taye Diggs). He gave her his number.
At the strip club, Winston accidentally withdraws "bunny money" from the ATM. He's fine unless he withdrew too much. He has $2,000. When Coach walks away, Schmidt and Nick quickly try to figure out how to get out of the club. Schmidt has an early presentation and Nick is freaking out because Jess hasn't texted back. But when Coach returns and Nick suggests they go back to the loft to talk about his break-up, Coach rejects the offer of discussing his feelings. He mocks Nick and Schmidt panics and joins him.
At the bar, Cece reveals she called hot, hot Artie. "Shut your face," is all she can manage.
He sniffs her drink guesses every ingredient. She is totally charmed, but blurts out that she has a boyfriend. He shakes her hand and says good-bye. Cece paints a picture of what Nick is doing at the strip club, and Jess calls him back.
At the club, the bartender tells Winston that bunny money is non-returnable, and he can't spend it on the dancers. Just at the bar or gift shop.
Schmidt does a body shot off a stripper's shoulder and tries to identify the odd flavor. Baby formula. Tuesday night at the strip club!
When Coach goes to give a stripper a lap dance, Nick suggests they just get Coach really, really drunk, then go home.
Jess sits down for a drink with Artie, but just complains about Nick. She learns that Artie doesn't just work at the coffee shop -- he owns it. It's boring, a lot of spread sheets and jetting off to Brazil at a moment's notice.
Artie suggests she call Nick and just talk things over, but she won't, because then Nick wins. Smooth Artie says maybe they both win.
At the strip club, Coach seems to just be getting stronger after the shot contest. Jess calls Nick. He's super happy to hear from her, but Coach starts in, asking if it's the Notorious NAG. Nick covers the phone and says he's just "checking my woman," which Jess hears because he covered the listening part.
She tells him she's with a man who owns a business and goes to Brasil.
When he drops the phone and hangs up, sober Artie offers to give her a ride home. At this point even Cece thinks that's a bad idea, but drunk Jess loves it.
At the club, Nick announces he needs to leave. Coach tells him relationships are prisons. "Relationships are not prisons! Jess is amazing, she's sexy and sweet and I can't lose her. So I'm going home to see her," Nick says.
Coach starts crying. He admits Malia broke-up with him. "I was just trying to fill a void," he says. Coach is ready to go, but Winston is eating lobster, the most expensive thing on the menu.
Cut to the four of them in a cab, decked out in strip club gear. Coach wants to go fight the man who stole Malia -- he's a cop.
Wedged in the backseat, waiting for Coach, drunk Nick and Schmidt try to fight, but can't reach across Winston.
Back at the loft, with Artie in the restroom, Jess is resolved to hurt Nick back with some "long, hot conversation" with Artie. Cece apologizes to her for saying men suck.
Jess explains how Nick doesn't have it together. He doesn't have a life plan, or a day plan. "I once found a note he wrote to himself that said 'Put on pants,' followed by a question mark," Jess says. Cece urges Jess to go get Artie and ask him to leave.
Outside the police station, Coach's taunting is escalating, so the guys get out to stop him (in their Velvet Rabbit jackets, sweatshirts, hats and t-shirts). Nick tells Coach they're too old for the entire night and they have to grow up. Nick says he's in a relationship and he's happy and Schmidt moved out of the loft and he's happy. "I'm miserable! It's your fault," Schmidt tells Nick.
They start fighting until Derrick the cop comes out. Coach pulls it together and simply tells the cop to take care of her. "I will. I'm a cop, not some drunk loser," he says.
Nick suggests they grow-up tomorrow, and they all start making faces and taunting the cop -- until more cops come out, then they run off screaming into the night.
Jess goes to find Artie in the loft saying she has to go to bed. She finds him naked in her bed. She thinks some signals may have gotten crossed. Artie invites her in, then shows off how limber he is.
The guys return to the building. Coach says good night to "Shrimp Forks." Winston points out he played professional basketball, it's time to stop calling him that. Coach agrees. "Hop along Bunny Money," he says.
Nick comes home. Cece goes to stall him, but fails miserably. He walks in to see Artie naked in her bed. (Jess is standing and fully clothed.)
Jess tells him she realizes this must be his worst nightmare, all she has to do is spray paint "Jay Cutler sucks" on the wall to complete it. She swears nothing happened and nothing was ever going to happen. She begs him to believe her and he says he does.
Nick requests Artie get out of his girlfriend's bed. Artie points out he's naked and it wouldn't be a fair fight. "Well, I'd like it to be a fair fight," Nick says, and starts stripping, which is easy because he's wearing an outfit entirely purchased from a strip club, including breakaway pants. He sits down in bed next to Artie, who gets situated. Then Nick decks him and knocks him out cold. Nick and Jess pile him naked into the elevator and make-up.
Later, Winston comes home with dinner purchased entirely from V-Rab with Bunny Money. "Deep Dish Gyrator" pizza, "Main Stage Fish Tacos," and "Pour Some Sugar on Meatballs." Winston tries to convince them to chip in, he'll take 50 cents on the dollar.
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