- Dean Pelton: [Voice over, playing the game as Joseph Gordon Diehard] Father, forgive me. I have traveled so far from you. How many game days since the Skull river ripped us apart? How many real hours since I've gone pee? We seek this necromancer. Why? Why? Our reasons are dreams, our dreams, dust. I send word on wings of sparrows, in hopes they might find you. Abed says the odds are near impossible. That's enough for me. Should you receive this message, I know of a way to reunite. According to my character sheet, if I rub the blade of our magic family sword while you rub the hilt, twin beacons of light will reveal our locations to each other. Each night, I will think of you and rub, praying for the night fate will find us rubbing together. Your son, Joseph Gordon Diehard.
- Hank Hickey: You think I'm the bad guy because I didn't invite him to my son's birthday. But you know where he was for most of my birthdays? Little place that rhymes with "not there."
- Ben Chang: Times Square?
- Abed Nadir: Was everyone's takeaway from last time that we can use D&D to reprogram brains? Nobody feels that we almost caused a suicide?
- Jeff Winger: We prevented one.
- [Almost says "Fat", but catches himself]
- Jeff Winger: Fa... bulous Neil felt like a nobody. And thanks to us, he's still out there, doing this and that in the background.
- [Neil appears in the background, walking around]
- Professor Buzz Hickey: Hank's a knob. He doesn't have any hobbies or interests. All he does is play that... What do you call that crap with the dungeons and the dragons?
- Abed Nadir: Dungeons & Dragons.
- Professor Buzz Hickey: That's the crap.
- Abed Nadir: [as the Dungeon Master] You hear an ominous screeching. Moving upward into view, three huge, white arachnids with eagle wings.
- Hank Hickey: Sky Spiders.
- Dean Pelton: I draw my sword and I cry out, "Back, eight-legged demons! I will not scoop you up with a catalogue and let you outside on this day!"
- Britta Perry: We are here so Tristram Steelheart, Lord of the Sky Spiders, can slay the necromancer. You cool or are we gonna have to get red?
- Jeff Winger: Tiny Nuggins, Waterboarder of Goblins, will do the slaying, because every man has the right to hang out with his grandson.
- Professor Buzz Hickey: [Abed, the Dungeon Master, has informed his players that the in-game villain, the Necromancer, has escaped] You can't just say he is gone! You owe us an ending!
- Abed Nadir: I owe you *nothing*. I'm a Dungeon Master. I create a boundless world and I bind it by rules. Too heavy for a bridge? It breaks. You're hit? Take damage. Spend an hour outside someone's front door fighting over who gets to kill him? He leaves through the back!
- Professor Buzz Hickey: [playing D&D] The river runs east, I head west.
- Abed Nadir: [referring to Hickey's in-game character] Tiny Nuggins scampers into the jungle.
- Professor Buzz Hickey: Hey pal, I didn't "scamper" in the jungles of Nicaragua, I'm not gonna to do it now.
- Professor Buzz Hickey: [reading his character sheet] I'm Tiny Nuggins, a... a thief... and the rest is gibberish.
- Hank Hickey: [skeptical] So, Dad, I'm just curious... what is it about Dungeons and Dragons that suddenly leapt out at you at age sixty?
- Professor Buzz Hickey: Hmm... dungeons, it'd be the dungeons.
- Abed Nadir: [as the Dungeon Master] You awaken on a riverbank, surrounded by a treacherous, godforsaken, non-zip line vacation jungle.
- Annie Edison: [Playing the game as Hector the Well Endowed] I build a fire and construct a crude wooden rack to dry my boots and oversized codpiece.
- Shirley Bennett: [Playing the game as Crouton the Druid] And I can make some s'mores out of horse meat and s'more horse meat.
- Abed Nadir: [Playing D&D with Annie's stuffed animals] You're still at the entrance to the chamber of grief. Your move, Mr. Tickles. You successfully pour more tea into Count Frogula's cup. That puts it at Hillary Rodham Kitten. Okay, you attempt to pass crumpets. You fail.
- Annie Edison: Do they like each other now?
- Jeff Winger: Are you kidding me? They can't stand being in the same room. I also don't think they can handle being apart. And I think they just found a way to avoid doing either. And that's the best most fathers and sons can do.
- Dean Pelton: [Gasps. Then, choked up] You've made me so proud today.
- Jeff Winger: Ugh. Does anyone know where we can buy a real sword?