- Tight Ship: Um, excuse me, sir, why is Cobra attacking a tourist attraction with zero tactical value? And, with all due respect to India, why are we defending it?
- Cobra Commander: Ah, look who'sssss conscious again.
- Duke: You're pretty selective with those snake "S"s.
- Cobra Commander: What are you, my life coach? I'd make fun of some physical detail about you, but there aren't any! You look like some Aryan foosball figure!
- Cobra Commander: The first time I met Destro, he asked me if he should have his entire head coated in chrome. I said "No! How would you do that? How would that even work?" Look, I'm no good at eulogies because I've never had to give one. All I want to know is how did G.I. Joe do this? We've been shooting at each other and missing for twenty years! Now all of a sudden...
- [his wrist communicator beeps]
- Cobra Commander: Unbelievable. What?
- Vice Cobra Assistant Commander: Cobra Commander, it's Vice Cobra Assistant Commander. We just got a very interesting energy surge at the Greendale site.
- Cobra Commander: Oh, okay. I'm super fascinated. Um... Destro's dead!
- Vice Cobra Assistant Commander: Oh my gosh, Destro... were you guys close?
- Cobra Commander: Were we close? Yes! What kind of a question is... okay, fine, I loved him! Is that what you want to hear?
- Zartan: Called it.
- Xim-Xam: Before you fight me, G.I. Joe, you should be warned: I, Xim-Xam, have a twin brother named Mix-Max that feels all my pain!
- Tight Ship: And how is that supposed to affect us?
- Xim-Xam: ...Psychologically?
- [Wingman shoots Xim-Xam. At that moment, Mix-Max is working in a restaurant]
- Mix-Max: [to a couple] Today's soup is a carrot puree with a...
- [falls to the ground and grabs his leg in agony]
- Mix-Max: OW, DAMMIT! Sorry, my twin brother is... it's pointless to explain.
- Jeff Winger: You guys are my friends in real life. This is my imagination or something.
- Dean Pelton: Freeze, everybody! Don't make me zap you!
- Jeff Winger: Craig, it's me, Jeff.
- Dean Pelton: Oh, Jeffrey! Are you okay?
- Abed Nadir: No, he's not. Take it from an expert in delusion. If Jeff is hallucinating something this cool, something's wrong. He needs to get back.
- Deep Dish: [Reveals a hidden tunnel behind a poster] For fifteen years, I have used my trademark tablespoon to excavate a tunnel, swallowing handfuls of dirt and rock with my meals, and listening only to Smash Mouth in order to justify this poster. Now, I am within inches of reaching the...
- [an explosion blows a hole in the wall next to him]
- Duke: Wingman, Three Kids, Buzzkill, Tight Ship, you stand accused of violence, suggestive language, and mature situations unbecoming of GI Joe. What say you?
- Wingman: Look, I understand this is the first time a GI Joe killed anyone in all of recorded history. However...
- Tight Ship: However, to be truthful, this is a very disorganized militia.
- Buzz Kill: Yeah, what's anyone's rank? We're all just dressed like serial killers and strippers.
- Three Kids: I have three kids!
- Wingman: You guys are not helping. Duke, Flint, Scarlet, yes, it's true. I killed Destro and I promise not to do it again, but is it really a crime? Is Cobra not a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world? And if we never kill them, are we not basically on their side? And won't this war therefore last forever unless we finish killing Cobra or start killing ourselves?
- Vice Cobra Assistant Commander: What is this, Major Dick?
- Major Dick: That is a request for hazard pay. Maybe you haven't heard, but we can actually die now.
- Vice Cobra Assistant Commander: You know we can't afford this.
- Xim-Xam: Oh, so we can afford to create a new model of weaponized vehicle once a week, but we basically get minimum wage to risk our lives.
- Vice Cobra Assistant Commander: Well, welcome to Cobra, Xim-Xam. Maybe you noticed our logo was a snake? Suck it up, guys! And while I have your attention, here.
- [hands them documents]
- Xim-Xam: What is this?
- Vice Cobra Assistant Commander: We have to lower the salaries. Our insurance is going up.
- Xim-Xam: No way!
- Vice Cobra Assistant Commander: Hey, you people can actually die now. It affects the health plan.
- Cobra Commander: Say, do you mind if we ask you a few questions about real life?
- Wingman: No problem.
- Cobra Commander: [to Duke] Ask him.
- Duke: So... what do boobies look like?
- Wingman: Wait, you don't know? You guys have never seen a naked woman?
- Cobra Commander: This makes me feel bad...
- Wingman: Have you guys ever tasted Scotch? Does Scotch liquor exist here?
- Narrator: G.I. Joe is the code name for America's daring, awesomely-trained, awesome mission force. Its purpose: to fight Cobra, because they're terrorists. Look, I think I'm over-explaining it. The bad guys are snakes and the good guys are Army people.
- Overkill: [turns into duplicates] Which me is the real me?
- [cackles]
- Fourth Wall: [duh] The one in the middle!
- Jeff Winger: I came from here. I work here. My name is Jeff Winger. And you're Annie. And then Shirley.
- Shirley Bennett, Tight Ship: Aww.
- Jeff Winger: And Abed. And Britta.
- Buzz Kill: Britta? What kind of lame name is that? I wanna be Buzzkill, because of my awesome saw.
- [makes sawing noises]
- Wingman: Get off me, I want to go home!
- Cobra Commander: Take me with you! I want to see women's boobs!
- Jeff Winger: [as Wingman, about the commercials he sees as visions] I keep having these visions. Kids, little boys...
- Shirley Bennett: [as Three Kids] Uh, are these visions we should share with the authorities?
- Abed Nadir: [as Fourth Wall] Wingman, do you have your wingpack, or is it sold separately?
- Jeff Winger: [as Wingman] Here it is.
- Abed Nadir: [as Fourth Wall] That's good, my Fourth Wall penetrating powers combined with this medium's lack of internal logic should allow me to come up with an oversimplified solution.
- Shirley Bennett: [Chang starts reading the chinese words on the pills Jeff took. Shirley grabs them from him] This is Korean!
- Ben Chang: Okay, what am I?
- Shirley Bennett: Chinese!
- Ben Chang: Okay, I swear to God I feel Korean.
- Annie Edison: [as Tight Ship] This place is a graveyard for G.I. Joe rejects. Look who's in here. Deep Dish, Shark Arms, Weird Head, Home Free, Place Holder, Sleep Apnea, and us!
- Abed Nadir: [as Fourth Wall] These are the three layers of reality. We are in the cartoon layer. It's separated from the live-action layer by a dangerous mid-layer called children's toy commercials, which I believe you're seeing in your visions.