- Lisa Simpson: Happy Mothers Day!
- Homer Simpson, Bart Simpson: Mothers Day?
- Homer Simpson: Crap!
- [both run out the door]
- Marge Simpson: Lisa's okay with not having friends? That's the saddest thing a daughter could say to her mother.
- Bart Simpson: I can think of something sadder. The saddest thing would be if Mom and Lisa were texting while driving and Mom hit Lisa, and Lisa's last text was "I got the message." Good night.
- Booth Wilkes-John: Just so you know, you would have been a Russian general, with multiple lovers.
- Homer Simpson: Well, as we say in Russia, goodbye in Russian!
- Booth Wilkes-John: Dos vydanya!
- Bart Simpson: No one likes vegetable shakes that much, or at all. Something's up with that girl, and I'm gonna follow her until I find out what.
- Milhouse: And I'll be right along with you.
- Bart Simpson: I'm gonna need you back at headquarters to man the phones.
- Milhouse: What do I say?
- Bart Simpson: Just let them ring.
- Milhouse: Sure thing.
- Lisa Simpson: I'm gonna tell every therapist I go to what you did.
- Marge Simpson: Oh, my God. Every mother's greatest fear!
- [Starts crying]
- Lisa Simpson: [Thinking] I made mom cry. What unimaginable power. I can make mom do anything I want, but what I want now is for mom to stop crying!
- Marge Simpson: Why can't you just watch Captain Kangaroo?
- Bart Simpson: Culture's in decline. Deal with it.