Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Eight Crazy Nights (2013)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Sad Man, Whitey (voice), Eleanore (voice), Grinch Narrator (voice)

Photos 

Quotes 

• Judge : I've sent you to reform school, the Drunk Tank, the local psychiatric ward, because you used to be a good kid, playing ball for the Jewish Community Center with the best jump shot this town has ever seen.

  Bart Simpson : What an odd thing to say.

  Davey : I've still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you.

  [Gets up and jumps once] 

  Davey : I'd hit a three-pointer for you except I'd have to drop my pants and pop the thumb up my boo-boo.

  Nostalgia Critic : [Chuckling]  Charming. Destined to become a classic holiday line.

  Tiny Tim : God bless us, everyone.

  Grinch Narrator : Maybe Christmas perhaps means a little bit more.

  Davey : I'd have to drop my pants and pop the thumb up my boo-boo.

  Nostalgia Critic : [In a British accent]  Dickens himself could not write better!

• Nostalgia Critic : So Whitey feels a good way to get his attitude up is to take him to the mall.

  Whitey : You need to clean your brain out, pal. And to me the mall is the best place to do it.

  Davey : So what's good about this place?

  Nostalgia Critic : [Imitating Whitey]  Product placement!

  [Normal voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : No, I'm not even kidding. We let our sponsors do us like backdoor whores! Look at some of these!

  Whitey : The Body Shop... The Tie Rack... GNC... Radio Shack... Petland for a cat or two... Spencer's Gifts for some fake dog doo... Sbarro's, Dunkin' Donuts, they're simply the best. And don't forget the orange chicken at Panda Express.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, my god.

  [Picks up Man of Steel poster] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Baby, I'm so sorry. I mean, I thought your product placements was the worst but after seeing this...

  [Critic gently pushes Man of Steel poster away] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You go and be subtle and I'm gonna suffer through the rest of this.

• Whitey : You'll stay with me and my sister for a while.

  Davey : I ain't living with you buffoons.

  Whitey : What other options do you got, Mr. Rockefellar?

  Nostalgia Critic : You mean between freezing to death outside and listening to your annoying voice?

  [singing] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

• Nostalgia Critic : [after the Happy Madison audience laughs at another poop scene]  That's it! I've had it with this motherfucking Happy Madison and their motherfucking audience!

  [Critic gets up and walks into the bathroom. A farting and peeing sound is heard. Critic walks out] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, look everybody! Poo!

  [Audience laugh and run into the bathroom as the Critic reaches into his jacket. Critic pulls out a grenade, pulls the pin out and throws it in. Critic closes the door and holds his foot on it. An explosion is heard. Laughter stops] 

  Nostalgia Critic : A moment of silence for the Happy Madison audience.

  [Critic takes off his hat then promptly puts it back on] 

  Nostalgia Critic : That was fun.

  [Walks off as Nostalgia Critic commercial bumper appears] 

• Nostalgia Critic : So why didn't they go with her? Well, maybe she wouldn't be nearly as funny being needlessly shoved down a porta-potty and climbing out covered in poo.

  [Happy Madison audience laugh uncontrollably] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, that's right. This is a Happy Madison audience where something they see come out of them every day is suddenly hilarious because it reminds them of something that was scandalous when they were 2 years old. Watch.

  [a pause] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Poo!

  [Audience laughs] 

  Audience Member #2 : [laughing]  Oh, poo! Oh, poo!

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, look! He's freezing him to the poo!

  [Audience laughs] 

  Audience Member #2 : [laughing]  Oh, frozen poo! Oh, frozen poo!

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, look! A bunch of deer coming up to lick him out of the poo!

  [Audience laugh even louder] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, look! Abbott and Costello are misunderstanding the ballplayer's names and starting positions.

  [Audience falls silent] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, no! They have to think for that! We don't want something smart here! This is a Happy Madison audience!

  Audience Member #4 : Where did I come from?

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh, no! They're growing intelligent! Show another poop scene! Show another poop scene! Look! The deer's smiling with poop in his teeth!

  [Audience starts laughing again] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Now give them your money. They work for seconds to think of this awe-inspiring humor.

  [Audience laugh and start throwing money] 

  Audience Member #2 : [laughing while throwing money at the Critic]  Take it! Take it all!

  Nostalgia Critic : [Bell rings and the caption "Feeding Time" appears]  It's feeding time! Who wants White Castle Slider fruit snacks.

  [Audience raise their hands. Critic throws a switch. Fruit snacks begin flying at the audience and they start eating it while making seal sounds. Critic laughs] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It's funny because they shouldn't live.

• Nostalgia Critic : You know how with the Grinch you sorta love to hate him? Well, Adam Sandler movies are worse than cancer. Yeah, I have no joke there. It just feels fucking good to say how much I hate Adam Sandler.

• Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, uh huh, they go that route: they actually give Davey a backstory involving his parents dying in a car accident, and of course, this is the reason he's such a jerk to everyone. Yeah, 'cause a movie with shit-eating deer, three-breasted women and an extreme close-up on hairry white asses clearly can segue so easily into heavy drama like this.

• Nostalgia Critic : Alright, I gotta know.

  [gets up and follows the Eight Crazy Nights poster down the hall, where Rachel stands texting] 

  Rachel : Hey, Critic, where are you going?

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, this movie's whored itself out to everybody. Might as well see what it's like.

  [off camera sounds include repeated pounding and the Critic moaning in agony. Glass shatters and the Critic screams] 

  Rachel : How was it?

  Nostalgia Critic : Empty, hollow and not over nearly fast enough.

  Rachel : I could've told you that.

• Nostalgia Critic : So the credits roll and I'm blown out of my ass to see that four people wrote this piece of shit. Four people? How the flying fuck do you think that process worked?

  [imitating idiot writer] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Duh, we make movie.

  [slams head] 

  Nostalgia Critic : We make movie.

  [slams head] 

  Nostalgia Critic : We make movie.

  [slams head] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Duh, I write poo.

  [Happy Madison audience laughs from Heaven] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, how about that. People may die, but stupidity is forever.

• Nostalgia Critic : And y'know, even as a testament to how fucking bad this movie really is, even with a backstory that his parents were killed when he was young, they still make him too unlikable to sympathize with. Even the Grinch Narrator would be like...

  Grinch Narrator : And given the choice between the two of you, I'd choose the uh...

  [picture of Davey Stone] 

  Grinch Narrator : Oh hell no, I'm going with the green guy. At least he didn't make Jack and Jill.

  [singing] 

  Grinch Narrator : That movie was shiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.

• Narrator : Wow, just when you started to really like Davey.

  Nostalgia Critic : Is that what we were supposed to be doing?

• Nostalgia Critic : You know... it must be hard being Jewish. I mean, I don't wanna make an assumption about the pain a group of people I don't represent is going through, but... it's gotta be hard. Not because of the years of oppression, not because there's still prejudiced jerk-offs out there, but because around the holidays, for all the well-known Christmas movies that exist, you only have one well known Hanukkah movie. And sadly, it's brought to you by Beelzebub's foreskin himself, Adam Sandler.

  [the title for "Eight Crazy Nights" is shown] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [about to review "Eight Crazy Nights"]  Yep. We have Jimmy Stewart finding the will to live again, you have Adam Sandler humping a car. We have Ebenezer Scrooge donating to the cold and hungry, you have deer eating shit. We have Charlie Brown realizing the importance of loving thy neighbor, you have Rob Schneider playing a stereotype so racist that Asians will be praying for the good old days of Mickey Rooney in squinty eyes and buck teeth. I never knew the hardships that your people had to go through. I never knew the turmoil that you had to get past. I never knew the pain that you were suffering through... until I realized that this...

  [shows a shot of Davey, Sandler's character in this movie] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... ass-hat is the cinematic face of your beloved holiday. I'm sorry. I'm just sorry.