- Ichabod Crane: I'm still reconciling today's languages and its advancements. For instance, in my ear: a 'toilet' was a 'vanity cabinet,' 'intercourse' meant simply 'social conversation,' 'awful' meant 'awe-inspiring'.
- Lt. Abbie Mills: So if I went out with a guy and we had awful intercourse, we'd be going on a second date?
- Ichabod Crane: Disconcerting, but yes.
- Lt. Abbie Mills: That's weird.
- Ichabod Crane: [entering the carnival attraction] What hellish form of torment is this?
- Henry Parrish: Fun-house mirrors.
- Ichabod Crane: When did irony become a national pastime?
- Henry Parrish: It seems we've been relegated to the part of gongoozler, you and I.
- Lt. Abbie Mills: I'm not even gonna ask.
- Ichabod Crane: Gongoozler means an idle spectator.
- Lt. Abbie Mills: [to Ichabod] That's just great. You go, it's cool. Henry and I will sit back here and gongoozle our asses off.
- Ichabod Crane: [smirking] Now who's the Scrooge?
- Lt. Abbie Mills: Chopping down a Christmas tree?
- Ichabod Crane: Altogether a nonsensical concept. Celebrating Yuletide with a titular display of lumber.
- Lt. Abbie Mills: Wow. Bah-humbug to you too, Ebenezer.
- Ichabod Crane: That was all gibberish.
- Lt. Abbie Mills: Scrooge. A Dickensian character. A grump.
- Ichabod Crane: [musing] Well, if Jeremy married and had three children, the average at the time... then we compound that number over eight generations, I could have as many as...
- Lt. Abbie Mills: Six thousand little Ichabods.
- Henry Parrish: We never bury the dead, son. Not really. We take them with us. It's the price of living.
- Lt. Abbie Mills: I got you something. I was going to give it to you on Christmas Eve but you look like you need a little boost.
- [handing him the stocking]
- Ichabod Crane: Oh... You embroidered my name on some hosiery. How... odd.
- Lt. Abbie Mills: [referring to Ichabod's time] You guys had Christmans, right? Santa Clause, snowmen... eggnog?
- Ichabod Crane: In my year, the term was egg and grog. A draught made of rum that led, inevitably, to an aching head-ergo noggin, abbreviated to nog.
- Henry Parrish: Our lives are a tapestry. Each moment is a thread upon which the next thread is woven. When you reach beyond this existence, as you're about to, you are tempting fate. I cannot say what consequences will befall you.
- Ichabod Crane: Crane receives a Christmas stocking as a gift from Abbie "You've embroidered my name on some oversized hosiery."
- Reverend Knapp: You have to have faith in the lord's plan.
- Captain Frank Irving: Oh... if God has a plan, who's it for? Me or him?