- Louise Belcher: Dad did great. He broke down and cried quicker than any substitute teacher ever
- Bob Belcher: I didn't cry.
- Louise Belcher: Oh, the rumor that I started says otherwise.
- Mr. Frond: The name's Frond. James Frond. I've got a license to counsel.
- Louise Belcher: Double-oh-so-sad.
- Bob Belcher: Louise, be nice.
- Louise Belcher: Why? It's Mr. Frond.
- Bob Belcher: Guys, remember at school, I am Mr Belcher, so treat me like you would any other substitute teacher
- Louise Belcher: That means you get a mean nickname and we assume you live a horribly depressing life. In this case, it's true!
- Mr. Platt: If it's bigger than a bake sale, they call Michael Mowerman and they reach me because I have his number now and I shut it down.
- Mr. Frond: All right, Bob, I should have explained. Home Ec isn't for honor students. It's where dumb-dumbs learn to make ice.
- Bob Belcher: You know my daughter's in that class, right?
- Bob Belcher: Zeke, you may have a perfect palate. Do you know how rare that is?
- Zeke: Get out of my mouth, Mr. B.! Stop it!
- Bob Belcher: Zeke, you can't run away from your gift!
- Zeke: No! No! No!
- Bob Belcher: I can teach you! Zeke, don't shut me out! You've got to... you've got give it a...
- Zeke: Shut up! Shut up! Go to hell!
- Bob Belcher: You've got to give it a chance, Zeke!
- Zeke: [cries] Go to hell! All right, I'll try it. Just don't start something you can't finish, Mr. B.
- Bob Belcher: I won't let you down, Zeke.
- Zeke: Anyhow, the soup wasn't perfect. Tina put too much salt in it.
- Tina Belcher: Go to hell, Zeke.
- Linda Belcher: Just quit, Bob. You always have a job at Bob's Burgers.
- Louise Belcher: Yeah. That will cheer him up!
- Tina Belcher: How am I doing on dishwashing, Mr Belcher?
- Bob Belcher: Good, Tina. Of course, kids are licking the plates clean, so it's kinda easy right?
- Tina Belcher: No.
- Linda Belcher: Part of dancing is finding a partner, mkay. So go ask that guy to dance
- Teddy: Oh. What if he says no?
- Linda Belcher: Make him say yes with your body.
- Bob Belcher: Meat is done, not people!
- Zeke: I just got a little tingly there when you just said that.
- Bob Belcher: Tina, how are we fixed on dishes? Tina? Where's Tina?
- Gene Belcher: She transferred to metal shop because her home-ec teacher was treating her like stale bread.
- Bob Belcher: Don't listen to him, kids. Keep pushing. We need speed! Gene, get off!
- Gene Belcher: I just got comfortable!
- Mr. Frond: Tina, since I caught you, your Home Ec teacher Mrs. Woods is going on disability.
- Tina Belcher: OMG. Is she okay?
- Mr. Frond: Obviously, I can't share confidential details. All I can say is, she's a drug addict.
- Linda Belcher: [to Bob] You look so handsome! Just like Richard Dreyfuss in Mr. Holland's Old Penis.
- Bob Belcher: Okay, someone taste this soup and tell me what it needs.
- Tina Belcher: Oh, look, he chose me. Okay, fine, I'll do it. Um... salt. I know that because I pay attention in class, and I'm not texting like Jocelyn or late like Peter.
- Bob Belcher: Uh, someone else? Zeke, you want to try?
- Zeke: I don't need this stuff, Mr. B. I ain't goin' to college.
- Bob Belcher: Just try it, Zeke.
- Zeke: Nope! I can't do it. Well, no...
- Bob Belcher: Zeke.
- Zeke: No!
- Bob Belcher: No one will laugh at you.
- Zeke: All right. Might as well try to Zeke it up, I guess. Let's see what we got.
- [Tastes the soup and starts improving]
- Zeke: All right. Uh, let's try some of this leafy stuff.
- [adds]
- Zeke: Some of these orange flakes that look like fish food...
- [sniffs]
- Zeke: forget it, forget it. Let's invite some of this to the party!
- [tastes after spicing]
- Zeke: Ooh, la, la!
- Zeke: [Takes next spice box] Paprika? Eureka! Get your ass in here, girl!
- [while stirring:]
- Zeke: Oh, man. Oh, boy. All right, I probably wrecked it.
- Teddy: Who wants to dance?
- [Teddy spent the episode worrying then learning to dance. This was the last line for this episode. He just warned kids 'somebody' threw up in the bouncy house when he asked out of nowhere this question]