- Bob Belcher: Lin, you want to drive an hour away and get another tree? What about our Christmas Eve Dinner? I have a ham in the oven.
- Tina Belcher: You have to fart?
- Bob Belcher: No, Tina. A real ham is currently in our oven.
- Gene Belcher: [while watching a Christmas tree being thrown on the trash] That's how I want to go out: dehydrated and covered with tinsel.
- Gene Belcher: My bladder asked if my colon could come out and play, and my colon was like, "Sure thing."
- Louise Belcher: Step on it, Dad. We have a date with a fat old man.
- Tina Belcher: We're chubby chasers.
- Bob Belcher: Tina, that's... don't say that. It's not nice to say.
- Tina Belcher: Fat fetishists?
- Bob Belcher: [when Linda wants a Dutch Baby to eat] We don't have time. I have a ham in the oven, remember?
- Tina Belcher: Just fart, Dad. It's okay.
- Bob Belcher: Tina, stop.
- Linda Belcher: I'm so sorry I doubted you, Bobby. I thought it was like that time you said you flushed, but I know you didn't.
- Bob Belcher: I flushed!
- Linda Belcher: I saw what I saw.
- Louise Belcher: I can still see it when I close my eyes.
- Linda Belcher: [about their Christmas tree] Aw, I love this tree.
- Bob Belcher: It's the day after Halloween, Lin. Don't you think we might have gotten the tree a little early?
- Linda Belcher: Oh, put some mistletoe on my butt and kiss it, Bobby.
- Linda Belcher: [about her Dutch Baby] Oh, look, it came out in 22 minutes! Oh, it's a preemie just like Jesus.
- Bob Belcher: Gene, give your mom the phone!
- Gene Belcher: I can't. I'm on hold with the radio station!
- Bob Belcher: You've been on hold with them this whole time?
- Gene Belcher: Jingle in the Jungle is an American classic. You'll thank me when you hear it.
- Bob Belcher: Give her the phone!
- [Gene gives Linda the cell phone]
- Linda Belcher: The battery's dead!
- Bob Belcher: Damn it, Gene!
- Gene Belcher: All batteries die, but this one truly lived.
- Bob Belcher: [trying to make a deal where Gary hits Bob once then helps them out of the snow] So, do we have a deal?
- Gary: I wanna punch your stupid face!
- Bob Belcher: No. Just the stomach.
- Gary: How about I kick you in the neck?
- Louise Belcher: You ever have a dutch baby? Put that in your mouth. Merry Christmas
- Gary: This is really good. You can't even taste the baby.