- Jess tries to prevent Nick from meeting her irresponsible sister after bailing her out of jail. Schmidt asks Nick to attend a Bar Mitzvah with him. Winston and Bertie have dinner with Coach and Cece.
- Winston invites everyone to dinner at Birdie's. She's making 10 or 11 soups and all of them are cream based.
Jess's mom calls. "Sorry to interrupt, I know that morning is the most sensual time of day," she begins.
She tells Jess that Jess's sister Abby was arrested in San Diego for stealing from a hotel. She wants Jess to get her on a plane home.
Cece drops by with all the ladles she could find. She knows Abby coming to town is bad news and Jess tries hard to seem excited.
When Nick says he'd like to meet her, Jess suggests he meet them after she picks Abby up from the airport, i.e. jail.
Cece can't believe Jess would really let him meet Abby and Jess explains she doesn't intend to let it ever happen. They both bail on Birdie's dinner.
That leaves just Winston, Birdie, Cece and Coach. Coach doesn't want to go because it's down to a double date and he and Cece haven't spoken since their date and make out two months ago. Winston tells him to suck it up and be a man.
Schmidt comes to Nick, needing him as a wingman at a party before dinner.
Flash to Nick serving as wingman for Schmidt at an outdoor yoga class, pretending that Schmidt is helping him recuperate. Then in a book store, Nick "recognizing" Schmidt as author of "So you've mastered the female orgasm, now what?"
Jess picks up Abby from jail, where she whispers to one woman that another stole her gum and instigates a fight. In the car to the airport, Abby wants to meet Nick and changes her flight. She tries to encourage Jess to do something she isn't supposed to, but a cop pulls up and tells Jess to drive faster.
Schmidt takes Nick to a bar mitzvah to target Rachel, a Hebrew school teacher. Her dad is Schmidt's rabbi, who hates him.
At the loft, Cece and Coach sit around awkwardly until Jess and Abby arrive. Cece pretends to be happy to see her until Abby says she's glad Cece isn't so rail thin anymore.
Abby reads the room and announces Coach wants to have sex with Cece, but she's not so sure. Abby volunteers if Cece isn't into it, prompting Jess to break into awkward song and drag Abby away.
At the bar mitzvah, Nick goes to distract the rabbi while Schmidt goes to hit on Rachel.
The rabbi tries out his jokes on Nick. ("Two Jews walk into a bar... they buy it.")
Schmidt asks Rachel about her job and she says it was the only place that would hire her after she got out of rehab. She's drinking wine.
Nick cuts the rabbi off mid-punchline to answer Jess's call. She's calling from the closet and says she and Abby won't make dinner.
The rabbi goes to drag his daughter away from Schmidt, prompting her to yell that Schmidt wants to have sex with her and she loves sex.
Nick thinks Jess is embarrassed by him, but Schmidt is annoyed that all Nick talks about is Jess.
At the loft, Jess tells Abby that Nick has to hang out with his work friends and can't make it. Jess notices Abby asking for more wine like their mother and they start laughing about how their mom calls getting drunk getting stoned. She got a tiny denim backpack and calls it her "little blue guy."
When Jess goes to get a picture of it, Abby sees a text to Jess from Cece: "So, has Abby ruined everything yet?"
When Jess comes out of the bedroom, Abby is gone.
Downstairs, Abby asks Outside Dave if he's seen "a girl that looks like me, but with chaos in her eyes?"
"I'm doing my taxes," he says, as he punches the air.
Jess's mom calls. When Jess says things aren't going well, her mom says she'll fix it. But Jess chafes at her mom calling her "baby," just like Abby did, and says she'll handle it.
At the bar mitzvah, Nick joins Schmidt at the bar and apologizes. They make up, with Nick pronouncing himself "the best wingman who's ever wung."
Jess finds Abby at a hotel bar. She apologizes for the text, but says Abby does ruin everything. She drags her to the car.
At the world's most awkward soup dinner, Birdie asks Coach what's new and he suggests Cece text him about it. They start arguing about her not texting after their two hour make-out, with him calling her the sexiest mistake he ever made and her calling him the hottest, dumbest, sexiest mistake she ever made.
Winston eats soup.
Suddenly, they're reliving the makeout and trying to recreate her being pressed against the wall outside. He's hoisting her up and cramping and she's falling and it's going terribly and they call it off and decide to be friends. They go in for one more kiss and he bites her tooth. "Sorry, when I get excited my teeth come out," he says. Her tooth is broken. Jess drops Abby off at the airport. "I get why you're mad at me," Abby says, "but if it's any consolation, I'm a woman in my 30s about to get on a plane to go live with my mother. It's only a matter of time before I have a tiny denim backpack, too. I said I would never go back to Portland, so I guess I'm a complete failure. I'm the baby," Abby says.
She gets out of the car and walks away as a cop comes up to Jess.
At the bar mitzvah, Nick and Schmidt prepare for their ploy, of Nick taking over the dance floor and Schmidt knocking him out and thereby winning the affection of both Rachel and her rabbi father. Schmidt has it all planned out, down to their children's name and site of their vacation home. Nick points out he's monologuing, but allows it.
Nick bellows his way onto the dance floor, pretending that an elderly woman is the object of his affection. But she's way too into it and kisses him back. Schmidt it too entertained to stop it, so another man comes up and decks Nick. The rabbi stands up and asks Dr. Nussbaum if he'd like to date his daughter.
Nick comes home in clown shades hiding a shiner. He tells Jess she's right to be ashamed of him. She's starting to protest when Schmidt comes in and announces he's Nick's wingman now, "because it takes two wings for a bird to dance." "Jessica Day, you are dating a champion," Schmidt says. "I agree," Jess says, confused. She insists she's not embarrassed and then Abby comes out and joins them, clarifying that Jess is embarrassed of her.
"Mom is right, he does have an uptown butt. I'd like to put that butt in ski pants," Abby says. "What does that mean?" Jess says.
When Abby leaves, Jess admits she might have told a few lies about her sister. Nick doesn't see the point, given how many Millers are in jail.
Jess asks if Abby can stay. Abby says for a week, a month, six months tops. She wants to know the address for any "deliveries."
Jess senses perhaps she's made a terrible mistake.
She takes Nick's clown's shades and tells him she loves him, then shuffles off.
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