- Cinema Snob: Plot or no plot, sometimes what's funny is just funny, and sometimes what's not funny is Caddyshack II!
- [First Lines]
- Cinema Snob: Throughout the years I have spotlighted some very disturbing, vile and haunting images; from E.T. getting anally plowed, to Sasquatch fucking a group of campers, to Amazon cannibal movies slaughtering animals; but this... I don't know... this time, I think I may have gone too far.
- [Commenting on the "This film has been formatted to fit your screen" message at the start of the film]
- Cinema Snob: You can't chop off the sides of the screen in Caddyshack II, that's where the jokes are hidden!
- Cinema Snob: Given that there is so much green in this movie, it could also count as my St. Patrick's Day episode. That, and it makes me wanna drink.
- Cinema Snob: When did the gopher stop sounding like a dolphin and begin sounding like John Belushi in the cafeteria scene in Animal House?
- Cinema Snob: So far, this is nothing like the first movie. There's a charming young caddy and a group of snooty club members... wait a minute, this is just like the first movie!
- [a girl hits a ball and it lands in water, making a splash sound effect]
- Cinema Snob: That's also the sound it made at the box office.
- Cinema Snob: If I want a real special appearance by Chevy Chase, I'll stick with Paul Simon music videos, thank you very much.
- Cinema Snob: Kenny Loggins returned to perform the movie's theme song "Nobody's Fool" - which is what audiences said before NOT going to see this movie.
- [Commenting on the name of the movie's theme song]
- Cinema Snob: They called it "Nobody's Fool" because calling it "I'm Not Alright" would be a little too obvious.
- [VO as the construction workers sitting before Jack Hartounian]
- Cinema Snob: Excuse me, do you mind? We are trying to build a skyscraper here, we don't have time to listen to your standup material!
- Jack Hartounian (Jackie Mason): I should fire every one of you sonofabitches, that's what I should do!
- Cinema Snob: You're the one playing cards with them on the clock!
- Kate Hartounian (Jessica Lundy): You deserve to belong to the best country club.
- Jack Hartounian (Jackie Mason): The best? This is the best? They're a bunch of snobs, that's all they are.
- Cinema Snob: Oh yeah? Then why the fuck am *I* not a member of this establishment? I am far easier to understand than Jack Hartounian!
- Don Draper (Club Manager): Are you expected?
- Cinema Snob: [VO as Jackie Mason] Actually, no, they wanted Rodney Dangerfield but they got me instead!
- [Commenting on Chevy Chase's special appearance]
- Cinema Snob: Somehow, he is still easily the funniest one in the movie. Something about his real-life "not-give-a-fuck" attitude works here. Largely because he is playing a character who also does not give a fuck.
- Cinema Snob: I'm sorry, did the horse just LAUGH? This is a really strange shitty movie that seems to be surrounded by another shitty movie in which the animals can talk!
- Cinema Snob: Hehe, Rodney had a funny fart joke in the first movie, let's put twelve of them in our sequel within five minutes of each other!
- Don Draper (Club Manager): It's time for our little slave auction. Break out your chequebooks and think Mandingo.
- Cinema Snob: It's a little game we like to play, called "12 Minutes a Slave".
- Cinema Snob: Why does every golf swing sound like a missile launch? Did they think the audience would be so stupid that they wouldn't know that they were playing golf unless those silly sounds were added?
- Cinema Snob: Hey, it's the caddy making only his third appearance in the film. Meaning that this movie is not about caddies, or a shack, or a caddyshack, nor does it actually feature a caddyshack!