Golan the Insatiable (TV Series)
Dylan Crushes Reading (2014)
Josh Miller: Golan
Quotes
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[first lines]
[Oak Grove Elementary]
Mrs. Budnick : Dylan Beekler, you're up.
Dylan Beekler : [clears throat] Ahem! Hello, underlings! For Show-and-Tell, behold my master, your rightful sovereign, Golan the Insatiable!
Golan : [crashing through the door] Yah!
[class screams]
Dylan Beekler : Golan will now answer any of your stupid questions!
Blond boy : Oh oh! Do you have a job?
Golan : I take over worlds!
Dylan Beekler : [unimpressed] Next.
Brunette girl : My mommy says Dylan's mommy wants to make a baby with you.
Golan : [students hoot as, shyly] Well, I don't know all about that. Though why? What have you heard?
Mrs. Budnick : Time is up. Take your seat, Beekler.
Golan : Ah whoa, wait, hold on. First I got to get in a plug. I have finally finished my fearsome self-publish autobiography...
[Golan hands his book to Dylan, which is almost as big as she is. She holds it aloft, proudly displaying its cover to the class]
Golan : "Golan on Golan" by Golan. Here's a little preview. Dylan, read.
Dylan Beekler : [a choir sings ominously as she intones] As you wish, Master!
[Dylan opens the book to its middle and begins]
Dylan Beekler : "Cone- cow-ca-ca- cow. Cons - c-"
Golan : Are you having a stroke? What the hell is the matter with you?
Mackenzie B. : [pointing rudely] Dylan Beekler can't read!
[whole class laughs]
Girl : She can't read!
Golan : [incredulous] You can't read?
[Everyone laughs: students; Golan, pointing at Dylan; even the teacher behind her hands. Dylan hides her face behind the book in shame]
Golan : But in all seriousness, this is
Golan : [flames erupt around Golan] completely unacceptable!
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[Golan paces in Dylan's room]
Golan : What about all the spells you've cast from my magic tome? How the hell'd you read those?
Dylan Beekler : I just followed the pictures, duh!
Golan : [sputters] Well, no wonder they've never worked out right! All this time I've been calling you stupid just to be mean, and it turns out I was *right*? So much less satisfying.
Dylan Beekler : Whatever.
Golan : Not whatever! This reflects poorly on me and the entire cult.
Golan : [flames erupt around Golan] I command you to learn to read right now!
[wipe to Dylan strapped into a chair, books Take of Two Cities and Behind the Fall propped up in front of her, ABC Primer and another book on either side of her head, held in place by a giant metal vice which Golan tightens]
Dylan Beekler : [screaming] Aaah!
Golan : How much knowledge would you say you are absorbing?
Dylan Beekler : [Golan tightens the vice further] Uhggh!
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[the Beeklers are at the dinner table eating pancakes. Golan eats a large rack of ribs off of a claymore-like sword]
Dylan Beekler : [telling her story] And then, after Swingley woke up, he was all spinning in circles and flipping over tables.
Dylan Beekler : [stabs through her pancakes with a knife] He is so annoying!
Golan : [mockingly] "Blah blah blah blah blah." Now get to the part where you learned how to read trimphantly.
Dylan Beekler : I didn't learn anything 'cause I couldn't concentrate. All I could think about was punching his annoying face.
Alexis Beekler : Ohhhhhhh.
Alexis Beekler : [sing-song] Dylan and Swingley sittin' in a tree!
Alexis Beekler : Ha ha! You like him!
Dylan Beekler : Shut up, Alexis! I do not!
Carole Beekler : Aww, Dylan has a crush. Fer-cute.
Richard : Sweetie, God says it's okay for you to like this boy as long as he's not a girl.
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[Dylan stands at the curb waiting for the school bus to arrive. When it does, she enters, walks to the back of the bus and sits alone. Suddenly the rear emergency door is ripped off and Golan yanks Dylan out of the bus by her backpack]
Golan : [as bus drives off] Both your parents and your school have failed you. Now is time to use the Golan Method.
Golan : [pulls sheet off of a crate-sized box] Voila!
[the box has bars on one side and a sign reading "DYLANS READING BOX"]
Golan : [opening the gate, shoving Dylan in, and shutting it] I have designed this ingenious distraction-free device to counteract your boy-craziness.
[inside written in red is "READING WILL SET YOU FREE"]
Golan : [passing in a book] You will be released when you can adequately describe the themes of "Ulysses". Better hurry before the *snakes* consume you.
Dylan Beekler : [dramatic sting] Snakes? What snakes?
Golan : I left you a note to go buy snakes! Didn't you read it? Ghaa! Well, I better go to Snakes et Cetera. You read!
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[Golan smashes into Pepe Roni's through a wall]
Golan : [grabbing mouse mascot] Cease your pizza eating and video gamery! I come in search of my acolyte, for I am Golan the Insatiable!
Dylan Beekler : [to Swingley] Aw crap, it's my Godlord! I'm supposed to be trapped in a box!
Golan : Aha!
[Golan throws Pepe Roni across the room]
Golan : [marching up to Dylan] I knew the place where your parents told me you are is where you would be! Who's this greasy weirdo?
Swingley : I'm Swingley.
Golan : This is the guy you're all like...
[mimicking kissing]
Golan : ? You're supposed to be learning how to read! This date is over!
[Golan grabs Swingley by the head and throws him into the crane machine through its glass]
Dylan Beekler : Dammit, Golan, I don't care about reading! I care about Swingley! Uh, no! I mean, I hate Swingley! Gah, this is all so confusing!
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Dylan Beekler : Swingley! Golan, let him go!
Golan : I'm going to kill the little lothario unless *you* stop me! To save him, you'll have to go on a hero's quest.
[Dylan growls]
Golan : Better hurry, for you have but one hour before I disembowel him and disen-facen him.
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Golan : [on P.A] I see you've deciphered my first clue. We'll see if you can make it through my gauntlet of fates, at the end of which your maiden fair awaits! Now enjoy this annoying novelty song about pizza.
Animatronic rat : [singing] We're gonna rock, rock, and roll some dough...
Dylan Beekler : Uhhh! Shut up, pizza raaat!
[Dylan beheads the rat with one blow of her hoe. As Dylan turns her back to it, the head emits flames through the neck which quickly catch the stage curtains on fire as the music and lyrics slow and distort]
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Golan : [to Swingley] I hope you're full of candy, you little bastard.
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Golan : How dare you betray me!
Dylan Beekler : Golan, I didn't betray you. You set all this up so I could learn to read. And now I can!
Golan : Oh, right. I got kinda carried away with killin' that kid. There's just something about his face that makes you wanna smash it in with your fist. You know what I'm talking about?
Dylan Beekler : [wistfully] Yeah. I wish I could punch his face in forever.
[Camera pulls back from the ground below Pepe Roni's where Swingley is free of his bonds, but is groaning and twitching in the parking lot. There are sirens of approaching fire trucks and an ambulance responding to the fire. Golan and Dylan are looking down]
Imagined male singing voice : This is real / And I'll get home somehow / 'Cause I don't wanna be / The one to let you down
Swingley : I'm Swingley.
Dylan Beekler : You sure are.
[sirens continue]