Expiration Date (I) (2014)

Dennis Bateman: Spy, Pyro

Quotes 

• Spy : [drawing card from Bucket list]  Our first dying wish is Scout's! He's... drawn a picture of me getting hit by a car.

  [examines closely] 

  Spy : I have... something radiating off me.

  Scout : Yeah, those are stink lines.

  [to Heavy] 

  Scout : That's why the car hit 'em: because he smells!

  Spy : Yes, I see.

  [pulls another card] 

  Spy : Here you have drawn me having sexual congress with the Eiffel Tower...

  Scout : Heh heh heh.

  Spy : [pulls another card]  ... Eiffel Tower having sexual congress with me...

  Scout : Heh heh heh.

  Spy : [pulls yet another card]  ... both of us relaxing, post-coitus...

  Demoman : [mouthing]  "Post-coitus"?

  Spy : [continuing]  ... I'm crying and the Eiffel Tower has stink lines coming off of it, did anyone besides Scout put a card into the bucket?

  Scout : Oh man, classic Scout!

  Spy : Fantastic. This was a huge waste of my time.

  Soldier : You did not read mine!

  Scout : [sighs]  Does it say you want the bucket?

  Soldier : Yes!

  Spy : [pushes bucket towards Soldier, lights cigarette]  See you all in Hell.

• Spy : How long before these... tumors kill us?

  Medic : Vell, let's see.

  [he gestures, thinking out loud] 

  Medic : Ve all use the teleporter, let's say six times a day... Times four years. Minus... ve're not bread. Hmm. Three days. Yes.

  [zoom in on his face] 

  Medic : We all have *three days to live*.

• Spy : [the spy places a bucket of notecards on the table. A literal bucket list]  *This* is a bucket.

  Soldier : [examines the bucket]  Dear God.

  Spy : There's more.

  Soldier : [astonished]  No!

  Spy : [ignoring him]  It contains the dying wish of every man here.

  [turns] 

  Spy : Scout. You did collect everyone's dying wish?

  Scout : Oh, you bet!

  Spy : Excellent. Gentlemen, synchronize your death watches.

• Spy : [the Spy has agreed to coach Scout on how to be "better with the ladies". In a small gymnasium, the Spy prepares a rolling cart with a crash dummy, along with a wine bottle, two glasses, a bucket of drumsticks, red roses, a vase, and a box of RED chocolates. He pushes the cart so it rolls to the nervous Scout] 

  [nonchalantly] 

  Spy : Seduce me.

  Scout : [the Scout looks back, confused, and turns forward, arms akimbo]  You?

  Spy : [pointedly]  Seduce me.

  Scout : What, Spy? I ain't gonna...

  Spy : SEDUCE ME!

  Scout : [taken aback]  Right! Right. Okay.

  [He looks down at the cart. He immediately picks up the bucket of fried chicken and lets out a quick sigh] 

  Scout : Okay...

  [He walks up to the Spy] 

  Scout : H-hey there, good-lookin... I got a bucket of chicken...

  Spy : [He slaps the chicken out of Scout's hands]  I'm not one of your fried chicken tramps! I'm a woman! I like my men dangerous... Mysterious...

  [Spy takes the crash dummy into his arms and starts dancing with it briefly before holding it in front of him] 

  Spy : You want to be my lover? Earn it! Seduce me!

• Scout : [Miss Pauling has just ended their video call to deal with the mess Scout's team made]  Lot of people busy with busyness.

  Spy : [passing by, smugly]  Asking out that dial tone again, I see.

  Scout : [sitting up and angrily gesturing]  Go to hell, Spy.