Expiration Date (I) (2014)

Nathan Vetterlein: Scout

Photos 

Quotes 

• Spy : [drawing card from Bucket list]  Our first dying wish is Scout's! He's... drawn a picture of me getting hit by a car.

  [examines closely] 

  Spy : I have... something radiating off me.

  Scout : Yeah, those are stink lines.

  [to Heavy] 

  Scout : That's why the car hit 'em: because he smells!

  Spy : Yes, I see.

  [pulls another card] 

  Spy : Here you have drawn me having sexual congress with the Eiffel Tower...

  Scout : Heh heh heh.

  Spy : [pulls another card]  ... Eiffel Tower having sexual congress with me...

  Scout : Heh heh heh.

  Spy : [pulls yet another card]  ... both of us relaxing, post-coitus...

  Demoman : [mouthing]  "Post-coitus"?

  Spy : [continuing]  ... I'm crying and the Eiffel Tower has stink lines coming off of it, did anyone besides Scout put a card into the bucket?

  Scout : Oh man, classic Scout!

  Spy : Fantastic. This was a huge waste of my time.

  Soldier : You did not read mine!

  Scout : [sighs]  Does it say you want the bucket?

  Soldier : Yes!

  Spy : [pushes bucket towards Soldier, lights cigarette]  See you all in Hell.

• Spy : [the spy places a bucket of notecards on the table. A literal bucket list]  *This* is a bucket.

  Soldier : [examines the bucket]  Dear God.

  Spy : There's more.

  Soldier : [astonished]  No!

  Spy : [ignoring him]  It contains the dying wish of every man here.

  [turns] 

  Spy : Scout. You did collect everyone's dying wish?

  Scout : Oh, you bet!

  Spy : Excellent. Gentlemen, synchronize your death watches.

• Spy : [the Spy has agreed to coach Scout on how to be "better with the ladies". In a small gymnasium, the Spy prepares a rolling cart with a crash dummy, along with a wine bottle, two glasses, a bucket of drumsticks, red roses, a vase, and a box of RED chocolates. He pushes the cart so it rolls to the nervous Scout] 

  [nonchalantly] 

  Spy : Seduce me.

  Scout : [the Scout looks back, confused, and turns forward, arms akimbo]  You?

  Spy : [pointedly]  Seduce me.

  Scout : What, Spy? I ain't gonna...

  Spy : SEDUCE ME!

  Scout : [taken aback]  Right! Right. Okay.

  [He looks down at the cart. He immediately picks up the bucket of fried chicken and lets out a quick sigh] 

  Scout : Okay...

  [He walks up to the Spy] 

  Scout : H-hey there, good-lookin... I got a bucket of chicken...

  Spy : [He slaps the chicken out of Scout's hands]  I'm not one of your fried chicken tramps! I'm a woman! I like my men dangerous... Mysterious...

  [Spy takes the crash dummy into his arms and starts dancing with it briefly before holding it in front of him] 

  Spy : You want to be my lover? Earn it! Seduce me!

• [last lines] 

  Scout : So yeah, Miss Pauling. I guess it's a date.

  Miss Pauling : Actually this is my only day off this year.

  Scout : Oh...

  Miss Pauling : Oh, but you can ride along with me on some jobs.

  [brings out a flip notebook] 

  Miss Pauling : Tomorrow... I'm belt sanding the fingerprints off a pile of corpses.

  Scout : Ah, no.

  Miss Pauling : Oh! You can help me yank the molars out of a box full of heads.

  Scout : No to that.

  Miss Pauling : Well, on Friday I've got to kill someone who pressed a briefcase alarm button and... oh, uh

  [Cut to black] 

  Miss Pauling : You're already going to be at that one.

• Scout : [Miss Pauling has just ended their video call to deal with the mess Scout's team made]  Lot of people busy with busyness.

  Spy : [passing by, smugly]  Asking out that dial tone again, I see.

  Scout : [sitting up and angrily gesturing]  Go to hell, Spy.

• Scout : [while everyone is fighting a giant bread monster that came from Soldier's teleporting of bread]  Hey, Miss Pauling. Oh, I am so sorry...

  Miss Pauling : [Looking up from the wires of a bomb cart she is trying to program]  God, Scout, what for? Pressing the one button you're never supposed to press? Do you have any idea what's in a briefcase that -

  [she spots the watch on Scout's arm] 

  Miss Pauling : - Oh, oh! Give me your watch!

  [She holds her hand out expectantly] 

  Scout : Yeah. Exactly!

  [he gives her the watch] 

  Scout : See, that is where this all starts! No, actually, wait...

  Soldier : [he is interrupted by the Soldier screaming and landing nearby them] 

  [proudly] 

  Soldier : HA HA HA! I TELEPORTED BREAD!

  Scout : [the Soldier is grabbed by one of the monster's tentacles and dragged away]  ... so that brings me to the point of this story, which is I like you, and you should probably be sitting for this...

  Miss Pauling : GUYS! CLOSE THE BLAST DOORS!

  Scout : Miss Pauling. Look, my last few hours I just wanted...

  Heavy : [Struggling to keep the blast doors open for them to escape through]  COME ON!

  Scout : Um, never mind...

  Miss Pauling : RUN!

• Scout : [struggling after they've been "eaten" by the bread monster]  Aaahhhh... Ah... Miss Pauling, you all right?

  Miss Pauling : [opening her eyes]  I can't feel anything below my neck...

  Scout : Oh God...

  Miss Pauling : Oh. Now I can feel it. Ow. Ow.

  Scout : Oh God, I am so sorry. This is...

  Miss Pauling : That... was so... much... FUN!

  [a smile forms on her face] 

  Scout : [a look of confusion on his face]  You're not mad?

  Miss Pauling : [quickly]  I was furious. Oh my God, you set off the briefcase alarm and you were having a prom for some reason. But then there was this monster and we shot it and we built a bomb and I think my leg's broken. Can we do this again?

  Scout : Yeah, sure!

  [He smiles, but frowns upon remembering about the "death watches" they were all given] 

  Scout : Wait, nah. We can't. I'm going to be dead.

  Miss Pauling : [Confused]  Wait, what?

  Soldier : [poking his head into the cavity]  Good news! We're not dying! We are going to live forever!

  Medic : [the Heavy opens up a side of the dead bread monster, letting light in]  I didn't say that! I just said we're not filled with tumors!

  Scout : Oh thank God.

  [relaxes and chuckles]