- Kimmy Schmidt: Titus, I need you to get your robot suit back.
- Titus Andromedon: But I already did something today!
- Xanthippe Voorhees: Disney has been lying to little girls. Stepmothers are not scary, nannies are not magical, and dwarfs do not let you spend the night at their house without expecting something.
- Kimmy Schmidt: All right, Kimmy, listen up. I'm listening! Good. Day two in New York City, and you've already got a room with a door, a new pair of shoes, and a black friend. Are you kidding me? No. I'm not.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: [sobbing] Julian's probably cheating on me. Not with Fat Rhonda, obviously, but he's been in Japan a lot lately. You can get a mistress in a vending machine there.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: My husband, Julian, is flying in from London for the party.
- Kimmy Schmidt: That was the fanciest sentence I've ever heard. And I used to watch "Frasier."
- Kimmy Schmidt: Your stepmother expects you to be at your half brother's party when your full father gets here.
- Xanthippe Voorhees: I'll be back in like an hour. God.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Xanadu, you're grounded.
- Xanthippe Voorhees: Xanthippe. And what?
- Kimmy Schmidt: By the power vested in me as an adult who is a grownup, you're grounded.
- Xanthippe Voorhees: [scoffs] Okay. Kimmy, IMHO...
- Kimmy Schmidt: Pancakes, got it.
- Xanthippe Voorhees: This is not gonna work. 'Cause nannies like you? I chew you up and I spit you out. Just like all my food.
- Kimmy Schmidt: This family - the mother is having some sort of breakdown, while her stepdaughter is running around drinking and sexing. The little boy is a devil, probably because the father is never around.
- Titus Andromedon: Sounds like this family either has no money or way too much.
- Kimmy Schmidt: Oh, they're super rich. Their toilet has another reverse toilet next to it.
- Titus Andromedon: Oh, no, you cannot work there. Rich New Yorkers are the worst. They buy up buildings for themselves and ruin neighborhoods. They're always inventing new types of dogs that the world doesn't need. And what do they do with their money? They give it to charities to cure malaria in other countries. Well, call me crazy, but I say cure malaria at home first!
- Jacqueline Voorhees: I'm not running a charity here. Except the one where I donate my old towels to poor people with the same initials as me.
- Ray: No way, man, I can't give you your security deposit back. There's all kinds of wear on this thing.
- Titus Andromedon: That is ridiculous. I treated this suit like a beautiful lady. Which is to say, I did not touch it.
- Ray: I'll take it off your hands. But you're not getting your deposit back.
- Titus Andromedon: Unacceptable! I need that money to pursue my dream of stardom!
- Ray: That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. And I have sex with these costumes at night.
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Julian should be here any minute. How do I look?
- Kimmy Schmidt: Like a million bucks!
- Jacqueline Voorhees: Wow. I know you didn't mean that to be hurtful, but...
- Titus Andromedon: Open the register, Ray! Time to make like a dwarf at a jukebox and pay up.
- Ray: Really? Am I supposed to be afraid of a Hello Kitty and a Cookie Monster?
- Titus Andromedon: No. But that's not what they are. They're an Aloha Cat and a Treat Creature. And I'm not Iron Man, I'm Metal Hero Friend. None of us are licensed, and by renting these costumes, you're infringing on the intellectual property of the Children's Television Workshop, Marvel Comics, Walt Disney, and Japan PervCo.
- Kimmy Schmidt: You're a kid, and childhood is precious. It's okay that you're a virgin.
- Xanthippe Voorhees: What is your deal? What kind of 29-year-old woman wears light-up Skechers? This isn't over. I'm gonna figure you out, Kimmy. And then I'm gonna destroy you.
- Kimmy Schmidt: I know you are. But what am I?