Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (TV Series)

Kimmy Is Bad at Math! (2015)

Ellie Kemper: Kimmy Schmidt

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dong : I came to New York because of movies like "Wall Sugar"...

  Kimmy Schmidt : "Wall Street."

  Dong : ..."Home by Myself Again"...

  Kimmy Schmidt : "Home Alone 2."

  Dong : ...and "The Puppet Frog and Pig Wife Take Manhattan."

  Kimmy Schmidt : "When Harry Met Sally..."?

• Kimmy Schmidt : I'm never gonna get my high school diploma! I need Dong.

  Titus Andromedon : Trust me, that's not gonna solve all your problems.

  Kimmy Schmidt : Dong is the name of the Vietnamese guy in my class. He's good at math.

  Titus Andromedon : That's racist!

  Kimmy Schmidt : But he is good at math.

  Titus Andromedon : I don't make the rules.

• Kimmy Schmidt : Has everyone dropped out? I know Fatima got deported. Jason is stuck on that missing G train. Steve Harwell is back on tour as the lead singer of Smash Mouth. He's not gonna learn English that way.

• Kimmy Schmidt : I'm never gonna pass this thing if I don't get some help, especially with math.

  Sonja : I'll give you some true mathematics. The Olsen twins? They're four people.

• Kimmy Schmidt : I need a math tutor, big time. So far all I've learned is that the Olsen twins are actually four people.

  Dong : Of course. It took two of them to play one baby on "The Full House." So if we see two of them now, there must be four!

• [Kimmy arrives at Jacqueline's house in response to the text message "need u ASAP"] 

  Jacqueline Voorhees : Oh, Kimmy. I do know it's your day off, and I'm so sorry to bring you back here from whatever decaying steel town you call home.

  Kimmy Schmidt : That's okay. I know you're going through a tough time.

  Jacqueline Voorhees : And it's making me wanna stress-eat. So...

  [picks up a plate containing a hamburger and fries] 

  Jacqueline Voorhees : ...if you could do it for me while I watch, that would be so thank you.

• Jacqueline Voorhees : [on reversing her decision to divorce Julian]  I don't expect you to understand, but I'm used to a certain lifestyle.

  Kimmy Schmidt : He cheated on you. You can't put a price tag on your self-respect.

  Jacqueline Voorhees : Thirty-four hundred. The amount the Olsen quadruplets paid me to keep my mouth shut.

• Mimi Kanassis : [to Jacqueline]  Well, sorry to drop in unannounced, but I got a message from someone named Kimmy. She sounded simple, like she was born near a river.

  Kimmy Schmidt : A river? Thank you.

• Kimmy Schmidt : I'm sorry. I'm having a bad day. My boss is being a real B-I-T... of a J-E-R-K.

• Kimmy Schmidt : Are we in trouble, Coppicer?

  Central Park Cop : Nah. I'll give you two lovebirds a break.

  Dong : Oh, no, it's not like that.

  Kimmy Schmidt : Yeah, I just *like* Dong.

  Central Park Cop : Me too. Don't tell the guys.

• Kimmy Schmidt : Well, Dong just cheered me up.

  Jacqueline Voorhees : Bet it did.

  Kimmy Schmidt : Enough. Dong is a common Vietnamese name. No more jokes.

• [Jacqueline is appalled at how modest Kimmy's apartment is] 

  Jacqueline Voorhees : When are you seeing Logan, tomorrow?

  Kimmy Schmidt : What?

  Jacqueline Voorhees : This is unacceptable. You need to lock him down now. You'll need a condom and a pin.

• Kimmy Schmidt : Well, Logan is very real. And Dong is a friend.

  Lillian Kaushtupper : How dare you. He's not just dong. He's also a mouth and a butt.

• Kimmy Schmidt : Look. I'm happy to come over here whenever you want, but Logan Beekman is taking me to dinner on Thursday.

  Jacqueline Voorhees : Look who caught a whale! And with such dry bait.

• Kimmy Schmidt : Titus, why are you dressed like that? You didn't even go to work today.

  Titus Andromedon : I've decided to live as a werewolf.

  Kimmy Schmidt : Wha'?

  Titus Andromedon : It's so much easier than being an African-American man. Security guards don't follow me around in stores, dogs have stopped barking at me, and no one mistook me for Samuel L. Jackson all day!

• Dong : I'm trying to save money to hire immigration lawyer, and you just lost $200! Why not just kick me in the tooths?

  Kimmy Schmidt : It's "teeth."

  Dong : That's insane! And I never should've agreed to help you. Out of all the persons in the world, all the mans and all the womans, you are the most bad.

  Kimmy Schmidt : It's "people," "men," "women," and "worstest."