- Mandy Baxter: Didn't we already see this episode?
- Eve Baxter: It's the news, different every night
- Mandy Baxter: Sad people, sad place, looks like a rerun to me
- [first lines]
- Mike Baxter: Okay, what Supreme Court justice do we *want* to retire?
- Boyd Baxter: Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
- Mike Baxter: Nice! And what are the five justices that we want to stay on forever?
- Boyd Baxter: Don't tell me, I know this one...
- Mike Baxter: I gave you a little hint, remember? The star method? S-T-A-R. Who are the *stars* of the Supreme Court?
- Boyd Baxter: Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts.
- Mike Baxter: Plus Kennedy, when he doesn't listen to the ladies. Which is a trick you'll learn when you get a little older.
- Mike Baxter: [after almost driving into a sinkhole] Oh man! You good? It's all good. It's all good. Hold on a second.
- [puts car in reverse and pushes Boyd back into his seat]
- Mike Baxter: Get back in there. Sit back down.
- [after backing away from the sinkhole]
- Mike Baxter: Okay, listen, you sure you're alright?
- Boyd Baxter: Yes, except for when you karate chopped me in the chest.
- Mike Baxter: I had to keep your big nugget from leanin' forward. It might have tipped us right into that big hole, over there.
- Boyd Baxter: That's a *really* big hole.
- Mike Baxter: It sure is. We fall in there, we go right to China. I'd be a communist, you'd be makin' sneakers somewhere.
- Ed Alzate: With this water purifier they can drink their own pee.
- Mike Baxter: Or river water, or lake water. But by all means, use the pee as a selling point.
- Eve Baxter: Stick around. You'll learn something about the world.
- Mandy Baxter: I know all about the world. I was already in it while you were still busy ruining Mom's body.
- Eve Baxter: Um, who's the Secretary of State?
- Mandy Baxter: Uh, that's a trick question. Which state? See, you guys all watch the news and get all angry and stressed out. Pop quiz. Of everybody in this family, who's the happiest and the least stressed?
- [noticing Eve looking at the dog]
- Mandy Baxter: And you can't say, "The dog." Um huh, it's me. This face will never see a worry wrinkle, which would make me smile, but I'm not going to because duh... smile lines.
- Eve Baxter: So your plan is to be clueless?
- Mandy Baxter: Ignorance is bliss. Thomas Grey in his "Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College".
- Eve Baxter: You get those "Quote of the Day" emails, dontcha?
- Mandy Baxter: If you know the *right* things, you don't have to know everything. Oh, for instance, that whole like secretary thingy... they actually don't call them "secretary". They really prefer "flight attendant".
- Mike Baxter: [in his vlog] Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man. President Richard Nixon once said, "People react to fear, not love." Easy for him to say because he was kinda scary and nobody loved him. But Nixon's right, to get people to do what you want, scare the heck outta 'em. For example, have a bunch of scientists convince everyone the world's climate is changing. Now, we used to call that the seasons. Thank you, Al Gore, not for your inconvenient truth, but for your convenient fib that you created the internet? Wow. The greatest device in history for spreading fear, half-truths, and videos of cats attacking toddlers.
- [makes cat hissing sound]
- Mike Baxter: Years ago, if a guy put on a robe and stood on his street corner with a sign saying, "The end is near", it was easy to say he was bananas. Well now that same dude can hide behind a slick website in his mom's basement, and as far as we know he's Walter Cronkite. I have an idea. Let's stop believing the fear-mongers. Maybe Nixon was wrong. Maybe people can be motivated by love. I bet you will love saving twenty percent off a sonar fish finder. I don't want to spread any fear here, but if you're a trout, this thing does mean the end is near.
- Eve Baxter: Joe Biden wishes *his* bunker was as nice as ours. That's the vice president, Mandy.
- Mandy Baxter: I know who Joe Biden is, okay? He's Barack Obama's Gayle.
- [last lines]
- Eve Baxter: [reading the newspaper] Why can't the people in the Middle East keep it together?
- Mandy Baxter: [reading a celeb gossip magazine] Why can't Taylor Swift hold onto a boyfriend?
- Eve Baxter: Why can't North Korea join the rest of the world community?
- Mandy Baxter: Why can't Courteney Cox join the Friends cast reunion?
- Eve Baxter: Why can't Putin keep his shirt on?
- Mandy Baxter: Why can't Channing Tatum keep *his* shirt on?
- [Eve glances over at Mandy's magazine]
- Mandy Baxter: Ah, ah, ah, ah,
- [covering the pages with her hands]
- Mandy Baxter: who know what's really important?
- Eve Baxter: You do.
- [reaches for the magazine]
- Eve Baxter: Give me that.
- Ryan: That God is watching over us garbage
- Mike Baxter: You mean the basis of Western civilization,that garbage?
- Eve Baxter: [to Vanessa] Something short and half naked ran downstairs, Mandy's here so I'm guessing it was Boyd