The Angry Video Game Nerd (TV Series)

Beetlejuice (2014)

James Rolfe: The Angry Video Game Nerd

Quotes 

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : In conclusion, I could say the game is ass, it's a steaming pile goat shit, horrible abomination, but the perfect way to sum it up is it's an LJN game. It doesn't matter who actually developed it, they were hired by LJN. The welcome letter probably said something like this. "Welcome to our team of Laughing Joking Numbnuts. Here at LJN, we strive in creating the world's leading shitfests and providing to our customers the greatest raping of all their favourite films. We value your addition in helping us continue to grow the Black Plague of today's generation of gaming. Enclosed you will find our handbook of policies and procedures in developing games with Bouncing Bullshit, Perpendicular Dick Ploys, Bitch Barriers, Inanimate Anal Assassinations, Fruitless Farts, Diarrhetic Diversions, Freeform Fuckery, Pinpoint Piss Taking, Rat Trap Crapshoots, and Bad Music. We are proud to have you on board." Well, fuck this game, watch it go!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Of course! It was made by LJN. "Made by LJN." You know, that's something everyone is always trying to correct me about. LJN was not a game developer, they were a publisher that contracted other companies to develop the games. I know that, but that doesn't change the fact that every time this logo appears on a game, it's guaranteed to be ass! If LJN published it, they still made it; it's an LJN game. So technically, this one was developed by Rare, meaning it's a Rare fuckin' day when LJN makes a game that's not a 12-foot tall mountain of dog shit!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : So, how does Beetlejuice hold up? Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Nope, no, not fun, game sucks. That's all you need to know. Fuckin' Beetlejuice. You know, what I'd rather do is trap a bunch of beetles in a jar, smush 'em with a lemon squeezer, and drain their juice into a shot glass. And no, I didn't say anything about drinkin' it.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : There's a few cutscenes but they're very brief, so it's like they almost tried to be faithful to the film. I mean, come on! Beetlejuice can't say "Nice fuckin' model!" and honk his crotch in an NES game?

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Well, I have to say I like that you play as Beetlejuice, the Goofy Ghoul himself, and not one of the main human characters in the movie. But for a guy who's supposed to be the Ghost with the Most, he really sucks the most.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : And the holes, by the way: the only place where you're allowed to fall down are only one screen deep. You think you're supposed to keep going down? No: you die. So you have to go back out the hole. Yeah, how 'bout out my asshole, ya fucks!

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : You never know what you're supposed to do! You'll come to an apparent dead-end, only to realize later that you have to get this cloud to move; it'll only move after the beehive is destroyed, and the only way to do that is to get the skeleton power-up and use it to shoot a fireball at it! That's the kinda shit that would never make sense in any other context; say that to someone in a sentence: "To get a cloud to move, I had to get a skeleton to shoot a fireball at a beehive." When did that ever happen in the movie? And we're talking about a movie that's batshit insane, but this makes the movie look like something out of the ordinary! You know, most game stick to certain traditions that ignore the strange and the unusual... but this game itself is strange and unusual.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : Isn't it nice how every time you try to move the screen down, you die? In most games, falling down pits is common; you fall, you die. That's fair, but here, if you advance the screen up and try to jump back down to where you once were, you still die. To get the screen to scroll back down, you have to gradually descend, hopping along lower platforms. Simply put, the edge of the screen is death. It's a good way to box the player in like a rat, forcing them to move about in the most unconventional ways, and insulting their intelligence at the same time. This will be known as the Bitch Barrier, and the player is the bitch.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : All he can do is jump on enemies, but unlike a famous Italian plumber, all it does is stun the enemies and toss you back a hundred miles like you just bounced off a trampoline.

• The Angry Video Game Nerd : [repeatedly stomping on the Beetlejuice cartridge]  Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! It's showtime!

  [grunting] 

  The Angry Video Game Nerd : I've seen "The Exorcist" 167 times and it keeps getting funnier every fuckin' time! Happy Halloween, motherfucker!