- Commissioner Richard Miller: [after a disastrous meeting with the Deputy Mayor] Jesus Christ!
- Liz Garvey: Very well handled. A couple of issues...
- Commissioner Richard Miller: He shafted me with a scaffold pole.
- Superintendent Tom Oliver: Just have a few deep breaths, Commissioner.
- Commissioner Richard Miller: Shut up, you fucking yoghurt.
- Sharon: We've been getting emergency calls from the surrounding housing. The residents near the prison are beginning to panic. What's going on in there?
- Vanessa Peters: I don't want to go into too much detail.
- Sharon: No? And I don't want the GP to put that brush up my vagina when I get my smear test, but that's the procedure.
- Vanessa Peters: We're not currently requesting police assistance under the terms of our contract. We have officers at the heart of the disturbance, ready to reassert total control.
- Sharon: And out of interest, why don't they?
- [last lines]
- Liz Garvey: [leaving a voicemail] Hi, Granger, you big dope, it's Liz... Garvey. I know that we haven't spoken for years but, um... I just wanted to call to say hello. So, hello. And um, give me a call sometime, maybe. Or not. Don't, probably. 'Kay, bye.
- Gabriel Peters: [via police radio] This is Guard Gabriel Peters. The message I have from the inmates is that they wish to speak to Holly Willoughby.
- Sharon: [to Leighton] We're working on it.
- Leighton: [to Gabriel] We're working on it.
- Gabriel Peters: And they want pizzas.
- Finn: Joey Barton's said on Twitter he's willing to be an intermediary.
- Gabriel Peters: They say that if they don't get pizza, they will stuff one us with cheese up the anus and cook us and eat us.
- Sharon: Tell them we would advise against eating a guard. Look, we'll get you some pizzas.
- Gabriel Peters: They say they want naan breads. And onion bhajis. Hold on. I'm getting lots of requests. 40 bargain buckets, 20 ham and mushroom. Stuffed crust.
- Sharon: Not stuffed crust. That's taking the piss.
- Gabriel Peters: They say no anchovies or someone lose their finger.
- Sharon: Did they say that?
- Gabriel Peters: Yeah!
- Sharon: Okay, sit tight. Tell them we're sending in pizzas.
- Leighton: We need to make an intervention plan. I've received a credible threat.
- Sharon: Stuffing him with cheese and eating him? No cheese could realistically be inserted up an anus.
- Finn: I dunno. I reckon I could do it with a wedge of Parmesan and a lump hammer.
- Matt Coward: You looking forward to getting your hands on a weapon then, Robbie?
- Robbie: Can't wait. But right now, it's all about the nuggets. Everyone's gotta do the hundred nuggets on their last day, Matt.
- Nobbo: Alright, come on. Get those chicken assholes down ya.
- [first lines]
- Questionaire: Are you losing control, Commissioner?
- Commissioner Richard Miller: I don't answer that sort of question.
- Questionaire: A year ago, Commissioner, you promised us new faces, a new approach. But on corruption, on racial diversity, on the use of lethal force, it's business as usual, isn't it?
- Commissioner Richard Miller: Ah-ah, next question.
- Superintendent Tom Oliver: You've not had a kiss of the Blarney Stone this morning, Commissioner. What exactly have you been kissing?
- Commissioner Richard Miller: Excuse me?
- Superintendent Tom Oliver: Well, have you been kissing the ass of the Home Secretary? Have you not had your hands down a number of big boys' trousers looking to keep 'em sweet.
- Commissioner Richard Miller: All right, Tom, knock it off.