Silicon Valley (TV Series)

Two Days of the Condor (2015)

Kumail Nanjiani: Dinesh Chugtai

Photos 

Quotes 

• Richard Hendricks : You're selling the house just like that?

  Erlich Bachman : It wasn't a rash decision. I agonized over it.

  Donald 'Jared' Dunn : But what about your incubator?

  Erlich Bachman : What about it, Jared? Pied Piper has caked its pants, Jian-Yang's chances of investment have literally gone up in smoke, and you heard what Monahan said in court yesterday. Market forces and random events have conspired against me to make the success of my incubator all but impossible. Functionally, all I've really achieved is running a flop house where guys have shat, jerked off, and paid me no rent.

  Dinesh Chugtai : Well, we have accomplished one other thing. We're up over 20,000 viewers.

  [Looks at the feed of the stranded tech guy] 

  Richard Hendricks : Holy shit. Really?

  Dinesh Chugtai : Buzzfeed linked to us. Now we're picking up on Reddit. This guy falling off a cliff is the first good luck we've had.

• Dinesh Chugtai : Right as we're gaining traction, we have to hand it all over to Gavin fucking Belson. This is fucked.

  Bertram Gilfoyle : We can't give it to him if we don't have it to give.

  Richard Hendricks : What do you mean? We do have it, and we have to give it.

  Bertram Gilfoyle : One hundred percent if what he's trying to take from us exists digitally on servers in this house. If we nuke them, there's nothing for him to seize. As far as he knows, it's an accident.

  Richard Hendricks : No one would believe that.

  Bertram Gilfoyle : Two weeks ago, we accidentally erased one-third of Intersite's entire library.

  Dinesh Chugtai : I think we've established our ineptitude beyond a reasonable doubt.

• Richard Hendricks : Whoa, it is, like, 500 degrees in here.

  Bertram Gilfoyle : Yeah. Anton is really starting to sweat.

  Dinesh Chugtai : Yeah, I still can't believe you gave the servers a man's name.

  Bertram Gilfoyle : Sorry, I couldn't remember your mother's name.

  Richard Hendricks : Hey, why don't I just open up the garage door? Let some fresh air in here.

  Bertram Gilfoyle : Yeah, sure, if you want the cooling system to shut down and everything in here to turn to magma. Actually, with all the new servers I have running, we're about to max out the amperage and blow the main breaker anyway.

  Dinesh Chugtai : Sooner or later, Gilfoyle's servers are gonna fail, and then it's all done.

  Bertram Gilfoyle : My servers can handle 10 times the traffic if they weren't busy apologizing for your shit codebase.

  Dinesh Chugtai : Oh, yeah? Well, my codebase could handle this traffic, fuck your mother, make a video of it, upload it, and even that video would not even buffer.

• Dinesh Chugtai : We're now at 78 viewers, which still seems high. Like, who's watching a blank screen?

• Bertram Gilfoyle : The software you wrote to delete our software just shit the bed. No surprise.

  Dinesh Chugtai : No, my software's fine. It's 'cause it's running on your shit hardware.

  Bertram Gilfoyle : My hardware handled everything else just fine...

  Dinesh Chugtai : It caught fucking fire!

• Tech Guy : [on computer]  Hello? Can anyone

  [shouts] 

  Tech Guy : hear me?

  Dinesh Chugtai : This is unbelievable.

  Tech Guy : [on computer]  Hello?

  Dinesh Chugtai : There are seven thousand people watching this stream, and it's working flawlessly.

  Tech Guy : [on computer]  Why won't anyone come get me?

  Dinesh Chugtai : Re-buffering events are below point five percent.

  Bertram Gilfoyle : Even when his sobbing shakes the camera there's no blocking at all. And the quality is great!

  Tech Guy : [on computer] 

  [shouts] 

  Tech Guy : Why?

  Dinesh Chugtai : More good news! There's a storm coming! There's no way the EMS guys can get up there. This could go on all day!