- [singing]
- Jester: Our hero only came to save his former flame, forced into marriage with the cruel King Richard. Sweet Madelena though, has lost her saintly glow, in fact she's tilting pretty sharply bitchward.
- Galavant: Do you know why I hired you, Sid?
- Sid: I assumed you'd lost a bet.
- Galavant: Everyone else filled their resumes with skills that would impress me, horseshoeing or sword-sharpening. But you were yourself, you told me who you were: a late sleeper and a lover of dolls.
- Sid: Figurines. Detailed figurines.
- Galavant: Right. So, fancy dolls.
- Madalena: I'm bored, I'm leaving.
- King Richard: Oh, my wife! I know we've had our ups and downs. Why, just a few days ago you made me cry so hard I could barely breathe - tell her, Gareth.
- Gareth: Eight hours of my life I can't get back.
- King Richard: I mean, but that's our thing. That's us! I'm not giving up on us.
- Madalena: I want you to give up.
- King Richard: No.
- Madalena: Please give up.
- King Richard: You can't make me.
- [King Richard looks upon the Valencian people]
- King Richard: Really hoping for a better turnout.
- King of Valencia: This is everyone we have left.
- King Richard: 100% turnout! Fantastic!
- King Richard: Valencians, who's hungry?
- [everyone raises their hands]
- King Richard: Of course you are, my darlings. Now, as you know, I burnt all your crops. But what you don't know is that I saved a healthy portion for me. But if you can't have vegetables, neither shall I.
- [Chef brings in a wheelbarrow filled with produce; a knight sets it on fire; the crowd gasps and screams]
- King Richard: Oh, I see it now. That was a horrible idea.
- King Richard: Hey Gareth, did you see how excited Madalena got about this party? I should have shown her my magnanimous side weeks ago! Speaking of wife, is she still locked up there banging out jokes with the Jester?
- Gareth: I suspect they're banging out a few things, yes, sir.
- King Richard: Wonderful.
- Chef: My research shows that the Valencians have religious aversions to meat and they live almost entirely off their own crops.
- King Richard: How resourceful!
- Chef: It was, my king. Unfortunately, you burned all their crops during the invasion.
- King Richard: Chef, I've killed most of your family, right?
- Chef: Wiped 'em all out, my king.
- King Richard: Excellent. Tell me, what does a person do just before they die?
- Chef: Well, my father cried.
- Executioner: A lot of them do weep, actually.
- Gareth: And they wet themselves.
- King Richard: Oh!
- Executioner: That's also true.
- The Squire: Did you hear about the knight that got off his high horse?
- Galavant: No.
- The Squire: Me neither.