- Matt Lundergard: You crying? You cry when I tell you to cry. So reabsorb that disgusting droplet of salt and bad choices back into your doughy body. And then call your mother to see if you can be reabsorbed back into her doughy body, or so help me God I will take that tear, I will freeze it, and I will stab you in the eye with it, you waste of a soul shaped hole forgotten by God.
- Elroy Patashnik: They took my snake and they turned it into a plumber. They made the eggs into barrels. The pine tree they made into a gorilla but I recognize my design. Donkey Kong my ass! That's Construction Snake.
- Jeff Winger: I don't practice law anymore.
- Elroy Patashnik: But we have a case, right?
- Jeff Winger: Isn't everyone you'd be suing dead?
- Elroy Patashnik: That's not cool, man.
- Britta Perry: Why would a tree throw eggs at a snake?
- Elroy Patashnik: [shouting] Why would a plumber be fighting a monkey?
- Francesca 'Frankie' Dart: [Talking to the Dean] They want you to be a token homosexual?
- Jeff Winger: It's a form of progress. Thirty years ago the most power the openly gay could achieve was the center square.
- Elroy Patashnik: I'm pretty handy with technology. I'm assuming it's still the same, smaller holes, more bytes. Now what are we up to now, mega?
- Abed Nadir: Tera.
- Elroy Patashnik: [With awe and pride] Tera. They did it, those bastards. They finally did it.
- Abed Nadir: [to Frankie, who has just entered the study room] The Wi-Fi's still broken.
- Frankie Dart: What happened to good morning?
- Abed Nadir: It's a bad morning, no Wi-Fi.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, we really need Wi-Fi.
- Frankie Dart: Okay, let's not get carried away. We need oxygen.
- Elroy Patashnik: We have oxygen, we need Wi-Fi!
- Matt Lundergard: [to Chang, during rehearsals] I'm not gonna hit you. And it's not because it's illegal, and it's certainly not because I'm afraid you know karate because there is nothing about your performance that is believable. See, we only hit things, that effect us. I don't hit water, or old mayonnaise. Or the air after a fart has dissipated. And I'm not hitting you. You are the worst actor I've ever directed and I've directed both Wahlbergs!
- Annie Edison: And if you don't stop, your lead character is going to walk!
- Matt Lundergard: Lead? You play Danny LaRusso.
- Annie Edison: ...the Karate Kid...
- Matt Lundergard: The Karate Kid is about Keisuke Miyagi: an immigrant who fought against his own people in World War II, while his wife lost a child in an internment camp! Noriyuki Morita was nominated for an Academy Award for his performance! Ralph Macchio? Showed up.
- Dean Pelton: I belong to one of the most marginalized and least openly honest groups in America. I am a politician. Now, what does that mean? Are politicians like you? Well, we look like you. But we will say and do whatever we have to in order to acquire and keep our jobs. It means nothing I say and very few of the things I think can be trusted. I am tired of being in this particular closet, so I am coming out now. I only hope that you can accept an openly political person on your board. If not, I understand. Thank you.
- Elroy Patashnik: Kid, animals have been murdering each other for 3 billion years. Birds have had their 15 million in the spotlight. The same as lizards and plants and they all just use it to murder, eat, screw and not invent Wi-Fi.
- Abed Nadir: [about the bird nest in the Wi-Fi router] Maybe they're close to leaving the nest, until then can't you just stall by doing what real IT people do?
- Elroy Patashnik: What's that?
- Abed Nadir: Exactly.
- Frankie Dart: All right. I, I'm trying to find the IT lady. My emails to her get bounced back to me in Aramaic, and when I call, I hear an undulating high-pitched whistle that makes my nose bleed.
- Matt Lundergard: [During rehearsal] Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. I guess there are wrong answers. Quick adjustment, Ben.
- Ben Chang: Yeah?
- Matt Lundergard: Act better. Act better. Thanks. Annie, you're doing great. Keep doing what you're doing.
- Ben Chang: Can I ask about by motiv...
- Matt Lundergard: Keep me from puking is your motivation. Stop making me want to quit the theater and kill myself.
- Dean Pelton: I could change the system from the inside out. And all I have to do is pare down my sexuality to simple gayness, which is heavily in the mix.
- Jeff Winger: There you go.
- Dean Pelton: Get ready, America. Dean Pelton is coming out as approximately two-sevenths of what he is.
- [Opens his arms to draw Jeff and Frankie into a hug]
- Dean Pelton: Come on. Don't leave me hanging.
- [Frankie and Jeff hug him]
- Dean Pelton: There we go.
- Jeff Winger: I am so curious.
- Dean Pelton: [Interested] Oh.
- Jeff Winger: Intellectually.
- Jeff Winger: Hey, I know this great bar for people that don't hate themselves. What do you say? Milady.
- Annie Edison: Milord.
- Richie: You're gay right? Like, openly gay?
- Dean Pelton: Uhhh, I'm not openly anything, and gay doesn't begin to cover it, no