- Abed Nadir: I don't get anything out of parties. They're like conventions for every subject too boring to have their own convention. And instead of Joss Whedon, the police show up.
- Britta Perry: The police also showed up when you made Leonard take off his clothes and filled the living room with lizards.
- Abed Nadir: That was for my movie Reverse Godzilla.
- Janitor: Dean Craig Pelton, do you accept responsibility for any damage incurred by hiring a felon?
- Dean Pelton: I do.
- Janitor: Willy Seibert Smith, do you accept that the 13th amendment abolished slavery for everyone but convicts, and that we have no choice but to pay you $0.13 per hour or less?
- Willy: I do.
- Frankie Dart: The Department of Corrections will pay us money, if we allow a small, manageable number of inmates to attend Greendale using these.
- Abed Nadir: Now, hold on. Are you trying to tell me that prisoners would use these things to come to our school?
- [Beat]
- Abed Nadir: That's the black guy in every sci-fi movie.
- Elroy Patashnik: [Everybody looks at Elroy to give the all-clear on Abed's potentially racely-charged comment] I'll allow it.
- Elroy Patashnik: Is this a cult? Are you gonna eat me?
- Britta Perry: [Reassuringly] No, we're fine, I lived in New York.
- Dean Pelton: Jeffrey you know, ordinarily I'd do anything you say.
- Jeff Winger: Do it.
- Dean Pelton: Let's do it. Oh, I walked into that one.
- Willy: Now where I'm from, you accuse somebody of something, you better have evidence, or he better be a minority.
- Dean Pelton: [Jeff has just thrown Willy's tablet down the stairs, destroying it] Willy! No, no, no, no, no. Willy, talk to me, talk to me.
- Willy: [On tablet, which is malfunctioning] I can't see anything.
- Dean Pelton: Willy, Willy, focus on my voice.
- Willy: Hey, I'm losing you.
- Dean Pelton: You're not losing me. You are going to a better place with a stronger signal.
- Britta Perry: Parties are just booze, low lights, and loud music, so people can feel more, see less, and not have to listen to each other or themselves.
- Britta Perry: Abed! It's six in the morning.
- Abed Nadir: Okay, thanks.
- Britta Perry: Do you think you've gotten enough shots?
- Abed Nadir: Nobody's partied like there's no tomorrow yet. They keep dancing like it's today.
- Dean Pelton: Jeffrey. You are on sabbatical.
- Jeff Winger: You can't do that.
- Dean Pelton: Yes I can! Two weeks paid sabbatical.
- [to the security guard]
- Dean Pelton: Get him out of here, he's banned from the campus.
- [to Jeffrey]
- Dean Pelton: You are on sabbatical.
- Security Guard #2: You're on sabbatical, sir.
- Jeff Winger: [to the Dean] Yeah, I'll go on my own, with dignity, something you should look up.
- Dean Pelton: I can't look it up. You destroyed my device, and my heart.
- Security Guard #2: You destroyed his device and his heart, sir.
- Jeff Winger: Dean, I like my job. I don't mind coming to work here. I feel kinda guilty when I pretend to be sick. And I try to steal as little as possible, just the basics. Pens, coffee filters, toilet paper, and one time, an overhead projector and a roll of carpet. But I don't lead you on, and I never will. Because I'm not just a pretty face that murders people and tells you what you wanna hear, I'm less than that. I'm a gorgeous face that works for you and considers you a friend.
- Annie Edison: So we are having a party?
- Britta Perry: Annie. You know me better than that. This is all set dressing. I'm helping Abed produce his next film.
- Annie Edison: [Reading script] Britta's Party, based on a true story of fun and no rules. Fade in before a party. People start coming over, way more than eight. It becomes a rager. Everyone has a great time and parties like there's no tomorrow, then they leave. Sophia cleans up. The end.
- Britta Perry: We're very interested in you for the role of Sophia.
- Abed Nadir: I see the real time stakes of Can't Hardly Wait, the subversive raunch of Risky Business, and the mumbly pointlessness of everything after 2003.