- Celia: [on the phone] Are all men rotten?
- Caroline: No, no. A lot of them are, but I don't think Alan's one of them. If I thought he was, I'd have driven straight over there two days ago and ripped his pacemaker out and shoved it... where the sun doesn't shine.
- Celia: [chuckles] He hasn't got a pacemaker.
- Celia: [over tea in a cafe] So you're not coming to this
- [air quotes]
- Celia: wedding then?
- Gillian: She did ask me. Only I said we were busy.
- Celia: And aren't you?
- Gillian: [sighs] I don't think she really wanted me there. I think she only invited me 'cause she thought she should.
- Celia: I think you're being a bit sensitive. If she didn't want you, she wouldn't ask you. You know what she's like.
- Celia: It's funny, isn't it? Babies. They're always welcome when they come. Even when they're unexpected. Like our little Calamity. And now, there's this other one.
- Kate: [Kate and Caroline are snuggling in bed] Just think, in just over three hours' time, we'll be shackled to each other forever. Have you chosen a poem?
- Caroline: I might have.
- Kate: Don't want to be the only one reading out a poem.
- Caroline: Might have written one.
- Kate: Have you?
- Caroline: Might have.
- Kate: No, have you?
- Caroline: My love is like a hot water bottle.
- Kate: That's so flattering, Caroline.
- Caroline: My love is like a thermal vest.
- Kate: God, you've really missed your metier, haven't you?
- Caroline: Shall I compare thee to my Jeep Cherokee?
- Kate: Go on, then.
- Caroline: Thou art more...
- [sighs]
- Kate: More... Built like a tank and guzzles diesel like it's going out of fashion?
- Caroline: Yeah, okay, I've not thought that one through.
- Kate: Yeah, well, you've got three hours.
- Midwife: [to John and Kate, who are attending her birthing class] Is this your first? Not your first?
- John: It's, it's not my first. It's Kate's first.
- Midwife: So you'll know what I'm talking about. It is distressing, but you just being there, gently encouraging her to keep going, that is so important.
- John: It's... It's not actually mine as such. I'm just, uh... Kate's my wife's girlfriend.
- Midwife: [takes a long, awkward pause] Okay, so let's talk about pain relief.
- Cheryl: [Gillian is working at Greenhough's, carrying an armload of boxes. Cheryl enters the supermarket, wearing her police vest] Gillian.
- Gillian: Cheryl.
- Cheryl: How's yourself?
- Gillian: Yeah, I'm, I'm alright.
- Cheryl: Oh, bless. I've heard the news.
- Gillian: Which n...
- Cheryl: That you and Robbie's been at it behind me back. Anything you'd like to say to me?
- Gillian: I um...
- Cheryl: You don't know what I'm talking about?
- [pauses]
- Cheryl: No. I'm sorry, that's not going to wash. It were Robbie that told me hisself.
- [sighs]
- Cheryl: Yeah, a bit of a domestic about the kitchen, him not wanting to spend money, and me saying, Well, it's just a breeding ground for bacteria. One thing led to another and it all came tumbling out, so... What I'd like to suggest is, next time you're making whoopee, if you could just ask him to wear one of these.
- [She sets a large package of condoms on top of Gillian's boxes]
- Cheryl: 'Cause obviously, I personally don't want to be picking up anything unpleasant. Oh, and as well, if you're so desperate for sex that you need to borrow other people's fellas, let me give you this.
- [She grins and adds an activated vibrator to Gillian's pile. Ellie, the store manager, and customers are now staring]
- Cheryl: Yeah, so... There we go. Have a nice day. Mind how you go.
- [Cheryl saunters away, addressing the nearby customers]
- Cheryl: Careful, now, don't get too close or she'll have your kecks off. I know. And with a face like a bust shoe. She must be releasing the right sort of pheromones, eh? Oh! Like your shoes.