Late Night with Conan O'Brien (TV Series)

Will Ferrell/Allison Janney/The Strokes (2002)

Robert Smigel: Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

Quotes 

• Blackwolf the Dragonmaster : I am Blackwolf the Dragonmaster, New York's unofficial wizard and don't you forget it.

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : All right... and don't forget to finish your Filet-o-Fish.

  Blackwolf the Dragonmaster : Oh, quiet.

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Dragonmaster.

  Blackwolf the Dragonmaster : Quiet.

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Burger King: Where all Dragonmasters eat! You're here just to pay your respects to the Jedi?

  Blackwolf the Dragonmaster : Hello. You are wha- you are one, you are one uninformed hound, you know that?

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Uh, it's called reality, my friend.

• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : So what's going on here? You've got a little future nerd in here?

  Pregnant Woman : Yes, yes. Future nerd. Future Jedi.

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : When is he due?

  Pregnant Woman : June 27th, six weeks.

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Wow. That's the last time he'll ever see female genitalia.

• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : I'm here with, uh, all right, you're dressed as a... a huge nerd, yes?

  Man in Jedi Robe : Yes.

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : No, what, seriously, you're supposed to be a...?

  Man in Jedi Robe : I'm supposed to be a Jedi.

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : You're a Jedi knight, yes. And what are the, uh, principles of a Jedi knight?

  Man in Jedi Robe : Uh, to always defend truth and justice throughout the galaxy.

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : And to eat a lot of peanut M&Ms?

  [chuckles] 

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Throughout the galaxy? You know what's good about this costume, folks? He has the ability, he can crap his pants and no one will notice.

• Blackwolf the Dragonmaster : You're, you're even lucky your, your, your superiors at "Late Night" even, even decided to let you out TODAY.

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Seriously, have you ever talked to a woman without having to give your credit card number?

  Blackwolf the Dragonmaster : You know what? Take this.

  [pretends to hit Triumph on the head] 

  Blackwolf the Dragonmaster : Fresh hound!

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Quite an imagination, yes.

• Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : [to crowd]  Okay, you guys ready for some trivia? Here's the first question: What substance was Han Solo frozen in?

  [crowd answers "Carbonite."] 

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : No no, I'm sorry, I'm very sorry. The correct answer is, "Who gives a shit?"

• Man in Darth Vader costume : This would be my chest box that help me to breathe.

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : So this is to help you breathe, yes?

  Man in Darth Vader costume : Yes.

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : And which of these...

  [snickers] 

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : which of these buttons calls your parents to pick you up?

  [to storm trooper] 

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Who are you supposed to be?

  Man in Storm Trooper costume : [robotic voice]  I am a storm trooper.

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : [robotic voice]  You are a huge nerd.

  Man in Storm Trooper costume : [robotic voice]  You are a hot dog.

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : Do storm troopers talk like '60s robots? I had no idea.

  [robotic voice] 

  Triumph the Insult Comic Dog : "I am a storm trooper. I was a built by, uh, Felix the Cat."