Family Guy (TV Series)

Quagmire's Mom (2015)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Brian Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Santa Claus, Leprechaun

Photos 

Quotes 

• Judge : Mr. Quagmire, your story is a sad one, but that doesn't excuse your actions. I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison.

  Crystal Quagmire : [comes into the courtroom]  Oh, no you don't!

  Glenn Quagmire : Mom?

  Other men in the courtroom : Crystal?

  Mayor Adam West : Ha! She's enjoyed many men.

• Crystal Quagmire : [to Quagmire]  I know this is a hard time for you, but you need to seek forgiveness. You need to kneel before Jesus.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, he's gonna be kneeling in front of a lot of guys, but I doubt he'll catch their names. It's usually somebody pushing your skull in the dark. There are really no introductions.

  Crystal Quagmire : Remember, He is inside you all the time.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, n-now she's just setting me up.

• Brian Griffin : Oh, come on, Quagmire, you're a grown man, responsible for his own choices. Seems kind of cowardly to blame someone else for your problems.

  Stewie Griffin : Brian abandoned his own son, by the way.

  Glenn Quagmire : [to Brian]  Why are you of all people defending a religious nut? Aren't you an atheist?

  Brian Griffin : [chuckling]  Yeah, it's crazy. You can think about that while you're in jail.

• Peter Griffin : Aw, Quagmire got away with it and learned nothing. That's great.

• Stewie Griffin : [whispering]  Dairy Queen closes in 10 minutes.

  [He and Brian leaves the courtroom] 

• Peter Griffin : [after someone pointing out his checkbook doesn't have anything written in it]  Lois, why DON'T my checkbooks have any writing in them?

  Lois Griffin : Well, Peter...

  Peter Griffin : What?

  Lois Griffin : That's just a wide pad of post-its I gave you.

  Stewie Griffin : WHAT? So that million-dollar check you gave me yesterday is no good? I quit my job, man!

  Stewie Griffin : [cut to Stewie flipping his co-workers off]  I will NOT see you Monday!

• Lois Griffin : [When Peter throws a party]  Peter, what the hell is going on?

  Teenager : [to Peter]  Oh, dude, is that your mom?

  Lois Griffin : No, I'm not his mom, you little bastard.

  Peter Griffin : That "little bastard" knows how to smoke pot out of an apple.

• Glenn Quagmire : Keira, that was an amazing night. Sorry I can't drive you to work. I gotta go sit in my den until you leave.

  Kira : Oh, that's okay. I'll just take the school bus.

  Glenn Quagmire : Wait, what? You... you drive a school bus?

  Kira : [giggling]  No, silly, I take the bus. I'm in high school.

  Glenn Quagmire : What the hell? You said you were 23!

  Kira : Yeah, and you said you loved me.

  Glenn Quagmire : Well, I guess you got me there.

• Joe Swanson : Quagmire, I'm afraid you're under arrest for statutory rape.

  Glenn Quagmire : [sighs]  All right, but let me just send the pictures I took of her last night to all my friends.

  Joe Swanson : [Joe's cell phone buzzes] 

  [looks at the pictures] 

  Joe Swanson : Oh, yeah! Boom! You're disgusting. Take him away. We've got all the awesome evidence we need.

• Lois Griffin : Glenn, what the hell's going on?

  Glenn Quagmire : It turns out that girl I took home from Peter's party last night is in high school.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, my God! Does this mean you're gonna move to Europe to make movies?

• Glenn Quagmire : Anyway, now I gotta go in front of a judge.

  Peter Griffin : Really? Number one or number two? Our judicial system is so broken.

• Glenn Quagmire : And there's not even a defense for statutory rape. Once the girl proves her age, that's it: you're guilty.

  Peter Griffin : You know what I tried today? A fig.

• Peter Griffin : [In a cutaway that shows Peter in a commercial for General Car Insurance] 

  [chanting] 

  Peter Griffin : White-trash rates from an army guy. Here is a penguin, don't know why.

  Announcer : The General Car Insurance. It'll worry whoever you hit.

• Judge : [to Peter]  Now, Mr. Griffin, I understand you're here to speak on Mr. Quagmire's behalf.

  Peter Griffin : That's right, Your Honor. And as we know, according to "Game of Thrones", if the girl has had her blood, she is good to go. Has the girl had her blood? Answer the question!

  Judge : Mr. Griffin, she was underage.

  Peter Griffin : Yes, however, Mr. Quagmire was born on February 29th. Ergo, he's only twelve. Ergo, the girl raped him. "Argo", Ben Affleck.

  [Chris stands up and claps] 

• Judge : I'm sorry, Mrs. Quagmire, but my sentence stands. Mr. Quagmire, I'll give you 24 hours to get your affairs in order.

  Glenn Quagmire : Oh, my God.

  Peter Griffin : Ah, don't think of it as 20 years. Think of it as two ten-year-olds, you sick freak.

• Stewie Griffin : [to Peter]  Your heartbeat is weird. It is not consistent at all.

• Peter Griffin : [to Lois]  Oh, hey, Mama. Hey, you seen my copy of "Into the Wild"? I like to have it on my person at all times in case I need a quick "inspo sesh." Oh, did I tell you I'm gonna be doing a lot of abbreve's?