The X-Files (TV Series)

Mulder & Scully Meet the Were-Monster (2016)

Rhys Darby: Guy Mann

Photos 

Quotes 

• Guy Mann : Man, she hit like a man.

  Fox Mulder : That's because she used to be... uh, she once... She's transgender.

  Guy Mann : What? You can't transform into a different sex! That's nuts!

  Fox Mulder : It's not nuts. It's actually a very common medical procedure. You don't need the surgery, technically...

  Guy Mann : Maybe that's what I could do! It's a cure!

  Fox Mulder : No.

  Guy Mann : Well, I've got to stop transforming. I'll do the surgery.

  Fox Mulder : Completely different.

  Guy Mann : I don't care how much it costs, I'll do it.

  Fox Mulder : They cut off your genitals.

  Guy Mann : Nah, I'll leave it. That's... That's a step too far, isn't it?

  Fox Mulder : Yeah.

• Fox Mulder : Okay, I'll do it, I'll kill you.

  Guy Mann : Thanks, mister, you're like the only nice person I've ever met.

• Guy Mann : Alas, I was human again. I went back to work. But now that I had a job, all I could think about was how much I hated my job. But I was too overcome with human fear to quit. How would I pay my bills? Without a job, I'd... I'd never get a loan and start a mortgage, whatever that is. Already I was terrified I wasn't saving enough for my retirement. And what else was I supposed to do?

• Guy Mann : You see, now I possess the one Darwinian advantage that humans have over other animals: the ability to BS my way through anything. I mean, it's better than camouflage!

  Fox Mulder : You wouldn't happen to be, uh, BSing me right now all about this, would you?

• Guy Mann : Welcome to Smart Phones Is Us. How may I help?

  Dana Scully : I'm wondering if I can ask you some questions.

  Dana Scully : Mm-hmm?

  Dana Scully : [in a flirty voice]  I think maybe my phone isn't working right, 'cause guys don't send me pictures of their junk on it. I think maybe I'd like to... take a picture of yours.

  [porn music starts playing, Scully peels off her jacket and gives Guy Mann a lusty look. She gets to the stock room door and starts unbuttoning her shirt, showing off cleavage in his direction] 

  Dana Scully : Come on. I want to make you say "cheese".

  [It cuts to inside the stock room, Scully's shirt is off. They're going at it against a wall and she moans with pleasure] 

  Dana Scully : You're an animal! An *animal*!

  Guy Mann : [stunned at his good fortune]  This feels good!

  Dana Scully : Oh, don't stop! Don't...

  [flashback gets interrupted] 

  Fox Mulder : Stop!

  [shaking his head] 

  Fox Mulder : That... did not happen.

  Guy Mann : I know it's hard to believe, but apparently I'm terrific in the sack.

  Fox Mulder : You made that up.

  Guy Mann : Oh...

  [long pause] 

  Guy Mann : All right, you got me. Ever since I became a human, I can't help but lie about my sex life. But that's the only untruthful bit in the whole story.

• Guy Mann : And I quickly realized that the only way to be happy as a human was to spend all of your time in the company of non-humans.

• Guy Mann : My transformation wasn't just physical but mental. I heard a voice in my head. My voice. I became conscious of my own self-consciousness, and then I had my very first thought: I'm naked! I became overcome by some irrational need to cover up.

• Fox Mulder : I thought I was going to believe you, but it's all... it's just too... fantastic.

  Guy Mann : It's not fantastic. It's tragic!

  Fox Mulder : No, I mean it's just... silly.

  Guy Mann : That's my life you're talking about.

  Fox Mulder : It's my life, too. You and me, we're the same, Guy. We both want to believe in things that aren't real - or even possible.

• Fox Mulder : Did you lose someone recently?

  Guy Mann : Yeah, myself.

• [last lines] 

  Guy Mann : I don't mean to get too personal, but... this has been a real trying time for me. I've been through a lot. But just having someone like you to... Look, what I'm trying to say is... I'm glad to have met you.

  [he extends his hand to shake Mulder's as a way to thank him. Mulder shakes it, but as he looks up again Guy Mann has transformed into his natural were-lizard form, taking him completely by surprise] 

  Fox Mulder : Like...

  [Guy Mann stands there in front of him for a moment before skipping off into the dark forest] 

  Fox Mulder : Likewise.

• Guy Mann : No, an insectivore. But, no one likes insects, even other insects.

• Guy Mann : Whoa! I'm not a reptile. That's racist!

• Fox Mulder : I'm in town investigating the murders.

  Guy Mann : And you think I'd do something like that? What kind of a monster do you think I am?

• Guy Mann : Fox man, you've got to put me out of my misery. I don't want to wake up tomorrow and have to go to work!