- [first lines]
- Dick: Ho. Ho. Ho.
- [surveys the room]
- Dick: Nice.
- [places some presents then takes a seat and grabs a cookie off the platter]
- Dick: Man, this Santa business ain't no joke. No wonder he eats so many damn cookies. It's the only way I'm gonna keep goin'. Ten houses of nice in a row. maybe I should try somethin' off the "naughty" list. Think I've earned it.
- Dick: Now this is more like it. Where am I?
- Playmate #1: [waking, stretching] You're in the mansion, silly.
- Playmate #2: Hey, no men allowed here. Only the captain.
- Dick: It's okay. I'm Santa.
- Playmate #3: But Santa you you used to visit us all the time when we were little. Why don't you come and visit us anymore?
- Santa: I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it's cause y'all were naughty.
- Playmate #1: We can't help it if bringing men pleasure is like a calling to us.
- Playmate #3: Yeah, is there anything we can do to make you reconsider?
- Santa: I'm sure we can think of something nice.
- 'FBI' Agent: FBI, nobody move.
- Dick: Oh shit! Stall him.
- Playmate #1, Playmate #2, Playmate #3: What do we do? I don't know.
- Dick: I'm gonna make sure you're all on the nice list from now on.
- [FBI Agent enters room. Playmates surround him as Santa aka Dick vanishes]
- 'FBI' Agent: Where did that guy just go?
- Playmate #3: Do you have any handcuffs? I like it rough.