- Rebecca Bunch: I wanna kill you and wear your skin like a dress, but then also have you see me in the dress and be like, "O.M.G., you look so cute in my skin!"
- Rebecca Bunch: I wanna lock you in a basement, but in that basement you would also be my personal trainer. I want your abs! Break into your mom's house, collect your baby teeth and turn then into my new retainer. I want your smile! Cook your spit into a chowder, dry your sweat into a powder and do lines of you all through the night!
- [Rebecca lists various things she wants to do to Valencia]
- Rebecca Bunch: Take measurements of your body, then go up to a surgeon, make my body like your body - like that film with Liberace!
- Paula Proctor: You know Luna Bars are for women, right?
- Darryl Whitefeather: Hunh, I did not.
- Paula Proctor: Yeah, I think they have, like, menstrual blood in them.
- Darryl Whitefeather: Stop that! No, they don't!
- [Darryl picks up his phone]
- Darryl Whitefeather: Can I get the number for Luna Bars customer service?
- Rebecca Bunch: A true friend is somebody who loves you no matter what. Even if your downward dog is horrible!
- Greg Serrano: This is White Josh, so named because he looks just like Josh except for he's white.
- White Josh: Also, my - my name is also Josh.
- Paula Proctor: I always wanted a daughter. My kids are not daughters, they're terrible. I'll tell you about it later - or now.
- Valencia Perez: Oh, you were making a joke.
- Rebecca Bunch: Yeah!
- Valencia Perez: Oh! Yeah, I think you did that once before. Sorry, I don't like humor.
- Valencia Perez: Did you, like, go to Harvard or something?
- Rebecca Bunch: Um, yeah, but I don't like to talk about it because people get weird.
- Valencia Perez: Your shirt says Harvard.
- [Rebecca looks down at her chest]
- Rebecca Bunch: That way I don't have to talk about it.
- Valencia Perez: I actually don't have a lot of girlfriends. The last time I had a solid crew was in high school, but then they all got jealous because I got these amazing boobs, and they were still trolls, and so they spread all these rumors that I, like, slept with the English teacher.
- Rebecca Bunch: No!
- Valencia Perez: I know! Which is a total lie because we only did hand stuff!
- Rebecca Bunch: Valencia? That's such a beautiful name! What's the origin of that?
- Valencia Perez: Well, it used to be Maria, but I never felt like a Maria. So I changed it to my mother's maiden name, Valencia. It's the Spanish word for brave.
- Rebecca Bunch: Spiders? I drove by there the other night and it was hoppin'. I always wonder though, is it possessive, Spider's, or plural Spiders', because every time I get a flyer for it, the apostrophe is always in a different place.
- Paula Proctor: Let me tell you how this works - women of equal sexual viability hate each other, even if they pretend to like each other. And that is how it has worked since the day vaginas were invented.
- Rebecca Bunch: Hey! I didn't move here for him, remember? I moved here because I needed a change and Josh just happens to be here, okay? Get it straight.
- Paula Proctor: Oh, are we still doing that?
- Rebecca Bunch: I wanna lock you in a basement with soundproof walls and take over your identity. I wanna cut the silky hair right off your head and slurp it up like spaghetti.