- [the Wests are in Birmingham's Gas Street Basin]
- Sam West: I can't believe this is the same place! I remember in about 1980 gunning the engine to try and turn the boat, and the foam came up grey - the water was like oil. And now all the foam's on the cappuccinos!
- Timothy West: Today Brummies are proud of their canals, claiming to have more than Venice. And they're right - over one hundred miles versus a meagre twenty-six. It's the Venice of the North, or the Venice of the Midlands.
- Sam West: Yes, it's remiss of Venice not to want to turn round their failing tourist fortunes by calling themselves the Birmingham of the South.