- [Gareth and Madalena are trying to start a bar brawl]
- Gareth: Oy! You got a problem?
- Bar Patron 1: Uh, none at all, uh, Your Highness.
- Madalena: Well, you should. King Gareth just called your mother a two-bit hussy!
- Bar Patron 1: Oh, uh, right you are, my king! My mother is a hussy. In fact, she's the biggest hussy in the land.
- Old Lady: Indeed I am, your grace!
- Sid: If you hand me over, they'll kill me! Do you really want my death on your conscience for six lousy gold pieces? What could you even buy with that?
- Valencian Peasant 1: A farm!
- Valencian Peasant 3: I could get a new wife! I *hate* the old one!
- Valencian Peasant 1: I'm changing mine. I want a new wife too!
- King Richard: How could things have gone so bad so quickly? The stupid bats ate all our food, we all got the same cold, worst of all...
- Galavant: PLEASE don't say it again!
- King Richard: We had to eat that family of Hobbits.
- Galavant: Well, we wouldn't have had to if you'd let us eat your stupid iguana.
- King Richard: Tad Cooper is a *dragon* and we are not eating a dragon!
- Galavant: He's a lizard... a very sumptuous, meaty lizard...
- [reading a sign]
- King Richard: Entering the property of Sir Arnold Galavant. Huh. Is he any relation of yours?
- Galavant: Uhhhh, nope... Maybe. Okay, fine. Yes, he's my dad! Look, I knew he lived around here somewhere, I just don't wanna see him.
- Roberta: You knew? We ate Hobbits!
- [singing, leading an army of gradually-dwindling peasants]
- Sid: We will march and we'll fight for the cause of good and right, though the odds of us surviving are ridiculously slight! And we'll stand proud and tall 'til they come to kill us all, then we'll beg and plead and soil ourselves as one-by-one we fall! Some they'll slash, some they'll hack, some they'll bludgeon blue-and-black, some they'll gut from top-to-bottom, some they'll mangle front-to-back! And we'll all realize as they're gouging out our eyes that tomorrow we'll regret it but today we rise!
- Isabella: Mr. Wormwood, we need to talk!
- [she hurls a magical tiara at him]
- Chester Wormwood: My lady, there's a perfectly good explanation.
- Isabella: You were using it to control my mind and take over our kingdom as part of some nefarious scheme!
- Chester Wormwood: Okay, yes, that is the explanation.
- Sid: If you're in Valencia, be careful. The king and queen are crazy, war-minded monsters.
- Chester Wormwood: Crazy, war-minded monsters? What a wonderful coincidence.
- Orphan #1: Sir Galavant, tell us what it was like to grow up with your awesome dad!
- Galavant: Well, kiddies, there was this one time. Well, I remember it like it was yesterday. Gather 'round! He told my mother that he didn't love her - right in front of my face. And then he passed out on the dog. And it was Christmas and the dog died.
- King Richard: It's useless! How could things have gone so bad so quickly. Those stupid bats ate all our food, we all got the same cold. Worst of all...
- Galavant: Please don't say it again!
- King Richard: We had to eat that family of hobbits.
- Galavant: [headed to Galavant's father's house] We're here. Now, look, are you sure you wouldn't rather face starvation? I would.
- King Richard: You know, I do not understand it. My father died when I was just a boy. I would do anything to see him again. So hungry...
- Roberta: Yeah.
- Galavant: Well, your dad probably wasn't a serial philanderer who was never around and left your mum.
- Roberta: That is so sad!
- King Richard: Not as sad as having a dead dad, right? I mean, my story's sadder.
- Galavant: And just wait until he finds out I'm on a quest for love. Ha! He's going make such fun of it.
- Roberta: Well, if he criticizes you over dinner, I'm fine with that. Especially if dinner is steak.
- King Richard: Here, here!
- Arnold Galavant: I will be damned. I never thought I'd live to see my oldest son with such a bushy beard.
- Galavant: It's not bushy! It's correct for the period.
- Madalena: As you all know, this is the first birthday party I've thrown for Gareth since he became king. If you ruin the surprise, I'll cut your tongue out with a dull knife... Thanks for your hard working, I cherish you, one and all.
- Chester Wormwood: Oh Princess, I'm a master of the dark arts. Yes, and the only thing to kill me is the sword wielded by the one true king to unite them all, and no one knows where that is!
- [cutaway to Richard sitting on a log, using the butt of the sword to crack walnuts]
- Isabella: I can still have them chop off your arms!
- Chester Wormwood: Ha!
- [the guards draw their swords]
- Chester Wormwood: Oh. Can you? Can she? Yes, hadn't thought of that.
- [singing, leading an army of quickly-dwindling peasants]
- Sid: And our corpses will rot on the plain, leaving only a gross bloody stain! Then the world, it will see - as will all of history - we had truth on our side but we still died in vain! And the brave, lucky few who will somehow make it through, scarred for life and missing limbs and needing help to pee and poo, they can stand 'neath these skies begging change from passerbys! Is it hopeless? Yep, you said it! We might as well forget it! Tomorrow we'll regret it but today we rise! Oh my God, will we regret it but today we rise!
- Isabella: Be gone, Chester Wormwood. You are banished from Hortensia!
- Chester Wormwood: Fine. You win, for now! But mark my words, I will return to take this kingdom by force, and you and your family will decorate my highest tower, with your heads!... Oh, but don't forget, the wedding is fast approaching, so have the groomsman's gifts engraved with their initials. It's a classy move... But you will die, I swear!... Oh, and don't forget to tip the waiters on the day. Oh, they work so hard... ROT IN HELL, SWINE!
- [Sid bumps into Barry and Wormwood in The Forest of Coincidence]
- Sid: I'm trying to put as much distance as I can between myself and an insane king and queen.
- Barry: Oh, believe me, we get that! We've just been kicked out by Princess Isabella.
- Sid: Princess Isabella? She's one of the people I'm looking for!
- Chester Wormwood: Really? How incredible!
- Sid: I'm desperate to find her and her true love, Galavant.
- Chester Wormwood: What are you talking about? Galavant told her he wished she would die... in a fart, if I remember correctly.
- Sid: Galavant never makes fart jokes! No, there must be a misunderstanding. I have to find him right away, but how?
- [a serf mysteriously appears behind Wormwood]
- Serf: Excuse me, did you say Galavant? Oh, I hear he's staying at his father's place just a five day's walk away from here.
- Isabella: Mum! Dad! You look terrible.
- King of Valencia: Because you threw us in the dungeon.
- Isabella: I know, and I'm so sorry. But it wasn't me, it was a spell!
- King of Valencia: We slept in an inch of water. I have mold in the crack of my tuchas!
- Hortensian Bishop: Typically, and by kingdom charter, when a princess breaks off her engagement with a prince, it requires one simple action.
- Isabella: Great.
- Hortensian Bishop: He demands your bra.
- Isabella: [taken aback] My - my bra?
- Prince Harry: Your bra. To show to my friends!
- Isabella: Absolutely not! I am a liberated woman, I am a warrior princess, and I will not be giving an eleven-year-old my bra!
- Hortensian Bishop: Then death it is.
- Isabella: [sighs] Fine. Unbelievable. But I am lobbying to change this law!
- Prince Harry: Yes!
- Madalena: I do have one last birthday surprise that unexpectedly arrived. I think you're going to love it.
- [Chester Wormwood enters]
- Madalena: How would you like an unprovoked war with the kingdom of Hortensia?
- Gareth: Best birthday present ever.
- [Madalena and Wormwood menacing laugh]
- Wormwood: Tick-tock.