Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Christmas with the Kranks (2015)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Past Criitc

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [singing in demonic tone to "Do You Want to Build a Snowman" from "Frozen"]  Do you want to kill Tim Allen?

• Nostalgia Critic : [looking annoyed]  Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to. Especially when you shouldn't have to. By God, is today's movie bad! It is one of the worst Christmas flicks you could possibly see! It's a wonderful little piece-of-shit bomb called "Christmas with the Kranks"!

  [shows clips of the movie] 

  Nostalgia Critic : This is based on the John Grisham novel.

  [displays a cover of the book "The Firm" by John Grisham] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes, that John Grisham. He was so good at making white people afraid of the justice system that I guess he decided to make white people afraid of Christmas, too. He succeeded, but in a way he probably didn't intend. It's mind-blowing how little this movie tries, how tired the writing is, how it doesn't attempt in any way to give us anything new! The jokes are years old, the acting is like something out of the '50s, its message is beyond half-assed and lazy, it's just friggin' horrendous!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about to review "Christmas With the Kranks"]  It's so bad, I wish I could give this review as little effort as possible.

  [Santa Christ appears, with his two assistants, played by Malcolm and Tamara] 

  Santa Christ : Wish? Did somebody say wish?

  Nostalgia Critic : No, no no no, I'm not doing that, Santa Christ, no, I AM NOT dignifying this review with any kind of effort, whatsoever!

  Tamara : [she and Malcolm take off their costumes]  Well, we put these costumes on for no reason...

  Malcolm : Care to a Yuletide Hamper?

  Tamara : You know it.

  [they both start to leave] 

  Santa Christ : Wait, discip-elves! Get back here, you pointy-eared lushes!

• Santa Christ : Critic, what's going on?

  Nostalgia Critic : This movie tries so little to be anything interesting or good I want to devote as little effort as possible to it! Like the good old days, y'know, before I had a budget or a studio... Just talked in front of a camera and didn't have to try as hard... Things were easier and better, then...

  Santa Christ : Well, the segue you were going to put effort into would've made that happen. BUT, since you're not interested...

  [leaves] 

  Nostalgia Critic : [going after Santa Christ]  No, no, no, no! I want to give this movie the same shit-to-port delivery it gave me!

  Santa Christ : Very well, then...

  [starts gesturing] 

  Santa Christ : By the discontinuous powers that somehow killed me in the Cinema Snob crossover, yet brought me back...

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, sorry about that.

  Santa Christ : Dick... I send you TO THE PAST!

  [both teleport away in an explosion] 

• [the Critic and Santa Christ travel to his parents' home] 

  Nostalgia Critic : This is just my folks' place.

  Santa Christ : NOT just your folks' place! Your folks' place in 2007! A.D.

  Nostalgia Critic : You mean I can see...?

  [they go inside the Critic's room, with its yellow walls, where he used to film his videos; they see the Critic himself there, wearing a red shirt and no tie] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It's young me!

  Past Critic : Holy shit! What's going on here?

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, you wanna travel to the future for a day?

  Past Critic : Really? I get to see all the new ideas Hollywood comes up with?

  Nostalgia Critic : That's right, all three of them.

  Past Critic : I'm in!

  Santa Christ : Come with me, you slightly overweight scamp.

  [they travel into the future together, leaving the present Critic to do the review in the past] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [about to do a review in the past]  Hello, shitty camera. Hello, shitty lights. Hello, shitty movie. This is the cheapest possible review I can give to you. No budget, no cutaways, just one asshole piece of shit talking to another asshole piece of shit. This is "Christmas With the Kranks".

• Nostalgia Critic : The movie opens with a convention center doubling as an airport, where two parents, played by Jamie Lee Curtis and Tim Allen, are saying goodbye to their daughter who's just off to join the Peace Corps, as we also say goodbye to the only bit of human decency the film will offer us.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about the Kranks]  Our main characters, everybody! Are the Kardashians are too down-to-earth for you? Well, sit back and enjoy these charming a-holes.

• Nostalgia Critic : You know, there's slapstick, and then there's crapstick. I'd much rather eat crapstick rather than watch any of this!