- Fiona Helbron: I've had boyfriends before.
- Sherlock Holmes: I myself have not. Perhaps I just haven't met the right guy.
- Sherlock Holmes: You want to steal something from a heavily armed, meth-dealing band of bike-riding Satanists?
- Captain Will Lombardi: Interested?
- Sherlock Holmes: I'm practically engorged. When do we start?
- Dr. Joan Watson: You know, you could've told me that you like her.
- Sherlock Holmes: Beg your pardon?
- Dr. Joan Watson: You like her.
- Sherlock Holmes: Yes, I like Fiona. She's compulsively honest, and she's congenitally unpretentious.
- Dr. Joan Watson: And pretty.
- Sherlock Holmes: What are you getting at?
- Dr. Joan Watson: You like her, as in *like* like.
- Sherlock Holmes: You're suggesting a romantic interest; more specifically. you're suggesting a romantic interest in the vernacular of a prepubescent child.
- Dr. Joan Watson: This is the book you loaned her. She wanted me to give it back to you.
- [she hands it to him, smiling]
- Sherlock Holmes: So?
- Dr. Joan Watson: So? Hundreds of books in the house - how many volumes of poetry? Zero! You bought it for her.
- Sherlock Holmes: Bought it to lend it.
- Dr. Joan Watson: Right.
- [still smiling]
- Sherlock Holmes: Do you mind?
- Dr. Joan Watson: No I don't mind at all.
- [Sherlock stalks out of the room]
- Dr. Joan Watson: Oh, come on!
- [she follows]
- Dr. Joan Watson: Why are you being so weird about this?
- Sherlock Holmes: I'm being weird?
- Dr. Joan Watson: Yes you are. You like someone. That's amazing!
- Sherlock Holmes: I like many women, often two at a time. You know that.
- Dr. Joan Watson: No this is not about sex. You really like her.
- Sherlock Holmes: Stop using that word!
- Dr. Joan Watson: [walking in on Sherlock staring at a fully decorated Sparkle Poodle playhouse laid out on their living room floor] You're finally making up for that childhood you never had. As a three year old girl.
- Sherlock Holmes: Straightforward enough.
- Captain Will Lombardi: Is it? My people have been working on this for weeks.
- Sherlock Holmes: Then you should have come to see me weeks ago.