Animals. (TV Series)
Squirrels Part II (2016)
Jon Lovitz: Old Ben, Jon Lovitz
Quotes
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Jon Lovitz : Hello. I'm Jon Lovitz... . Jealous? And this, of course, is my dog, Jerry Bruckheimer the third, named after my friend, Jerry Bruckheimer... the *producer*. On the last episode of 'Animals', we followed Phil, Mike, and April, three young squirrels, embarking on a treacherous journey to escape their overturned tree. Roll the montage!
[recap montage of part I]
Jon Lovitz : Wowee! This show is nuts!
Kurt Vile : Ha! Pun intended.
Jon Lovitz : [startled] Who the fuck are you?
Kurt Vile : Uh, Kurt Vile. I played this song in the last episode, now I'm just waiting for my ride. Please, continue.
Jon Lovitz : Jesus Christ! You trying to give me a heart attack? Cut your hair! You're scaring Jerry.
[to camera]
Jon Lovitz : And now, the thrilling conclusion of... "Squirrels"!
[Kurt idly strums some chords on his guitar for a few seconds]
Jon Lovitz : You know "Hot Cross Buns"?
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Old Ben : [epilogue-style voiceover] Phil was stabbed trying to break a robbery in a McDonald's dumpster. Mike and April got married and had three kids. They named the firstborn 'Phil'. He likes to draw, just like his uncle. Dennis and the gang eventually straightened out, opened up a home for wayward boys. And as for Old Ben, well...
Mom : Excuse me, who are you?
Old Ben : Hmm, what? Oh, you heard me talking to myself. I was just pretending what would happen in the future to everybody, and then narrating it like it was a movie.
Phil : Why'd I have to die, Old Ben? I thought we were friends, man!
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[Phil shivers nervously]
Old Ben : Quit that! What are you doing in my hallway?
Phil : I don't know, I'm scared.
Old Ben : Oh stop, I'm not gonna bite you, it's not like you're a nut.
[laughs maniacally]
Phil : Yeah, but... but how do I know you're not a nut?
Old Ben : Well, do you know what a nut looks like?
Phil : Yes, I've seen...
Old Ben : Do I look like a pecan to you?
Phil : No sir, I...
Old Ben : Do I look like an almond to you?
Phil : No sir, I was...
Old Ben : Do I look like... a... uh...
Phil : Like a pist...
Old Ben : Alright! I think I made my point, you can stop it now.
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Mom : What? You had my child inside your apartment?
Old Ben : He was outside my place, lost.
Phil : It was just me and him by himself. He could have done anything to me.
Old Ben : He came into my...! What are you, nuts?
Phil : He broke my pencil, mom. Snapped it in half.
Old Ben : Yeah, that's true, then I gave him a new pen! You little shit, did you tell your mother that?
Mom : You stay away from my kids.
Old Ben : Keep your kid away from *me*. Maybe you should be arrested for child abandonment! Where were you tonight, madam? In a bar, getting drunk, like a whore whoring around in a bar.
[hacks up phlegm and spits]
Old Ben : I'll fuckin' rip your head off!
