Mick Lauer: KKK Leader

Quotes 

• [the leaders of the crusaders introduce themselves] 

  Italy : [heavy Italian accent]  From Italia, I am Brother Andrea Marco Francesco Luca Mateo Alejandro Lozendro Federico...

  Enrico Maxwell : Yes, yes. And your order?

  Italy : I bring with me the Pio Noble Ordine della Rosa del Corna di Resa San Bartiromento, alla Serieta del Signe Torre Derise del Sierte...

  [Maxwell sighs in irritation] 

  Italy : ... Divizione Ricettazione. We bring 510 paladins of the order.

  Enrico Maxwell : [sighing again]  Grazie. And you?

  Mexico : [heavy Mexican accent]  From Mexico, Don Diego de la Vega. I bring the Mexican Inquisition.

  Enrico Maxwell : I did not expect you.

  Mexico : No one ever does! We bring 888 conquistador inquisitors!

  Poland : [heavy Yiddish accent]  Shalom! Bartlomiej Jeleniak from Poland! I bring the Sacred Order of the Temple Beth Zion!

  Enrico Maxwell : Oh, I've... not heard of your order. You're... sure you're Catholic?

  Poland : Ah, of course!

  Enrico Maxwell : You worship the Lord Jesus Christ?

  Poland : Hey, if we're killing Nazis, we'll worship a side of bacon. We bring 447 menschen.

  Canada : [heavy Canadian accent]  Hey, bud, Abbot Puiser from Canada, bud. I bring da crusaders a'da Salvation Army. Fuck, bro, let's kill us some gays!

  Enrico Maxwell : Nazis.

  Canada : Yeah, sorry, whatever. We bring 509 holy hosers, eh?

  Enrico Maxwell : Glad to have you. Now let's...

  KKK Leader : [heavy Southern accent]  Now I gotta say, I'm a little uncomfortable killin' Nazis. Some of my best friends are neo-Nazis. Then again, these are those classic-type Nazis, so...

  Enrico Maxwell : Mi scusi. And you are?

  KKK Leader : Judd Forrest, from the South Carolina Baptist Confederate Congregation! I got me here some 300-'n'-change good ol' boys from the Knights of the Hangin' Noose!

  Enrico Maxwell : [noticeably uncomfortable]  Wow, all right, okay! Thank you for... swinging by.

  [he realizes what he just said] 

  Enrico Maxwell : Oh, God...

  KKK Leader : No worries. Now I noticed y'all brought some crosses to burn. If ya run out, don't worry, 'cause Jim brought more in his truck!

  Enrico Maxwell : That's, uh, really not necessary...

  KKK Leader : JIM! How many more crosses we got in that truck?

  Jim : [in the background]  'Bout a few!

  KKK Leader : [to Maxwell]  'Bout a few.

  Enrico Maxwell : This is going to be a long crusade.

• [Maxwell addresses the crusaders] 

  Enrico Maxwell : Listen up! Those who have come to serve the unyielding word of our almighty God, we have come together this night under the glow of the London inferno, in the eyes of our Lord, for one divine reason.

  [he grins and drapes a stole over his shoulders] 

  Enrico Maxwell : FUCK the new Pope!

  [the crusaders cheer as Maxwell rants over images of Pope Francis] 

  Enrico Maxwell : That Argentinian windbag has ruined us! Prattling on and on about the poor. We are the house of God, not a fucking soup kitchen!

  Italy : Thank you! Even we're sick of feeding people! And we're Italian!

  Enrico Maxwell : And what does he do with the golden throne? Replaces it with a wooden chair! Probably carved by more poor people.

  Mexico : Jesus was a king first, carpenter second!

  Enrico Maxwell : And do not start me on the homosexuals. Oh, if you love them so much, why don't you fucking marry them? You seem so okay with the concept!

  Canada : Yeah, fuck, bro! It's "Adam and Eve," not "Adam and anudder dude and they're havin' sex!"

  Enrico Maxwell : And he has the gall to renounce the Old Testament as mere stories! "We should be more like Jesus and congregate with whores and homosexuals and POOR PEOPLE!"

  Poland : Yeah! Perhaps we can all agree that, maaaaybe, Jesus WASN'T the Son of God!

  Enrico Maxwell : We are the congregation of a wrathful God. We shall begin a new papal succession, and I shall lead us in a Ninth Crusade, for I am your leader... the new Pope! And after we are finished purging England of its demons and heathens, WE... WILL...!

  KKK Leader : ROUND UP ALL THOSE DIRTY NI...

  Enrico Maxwell : [interrupting angrily]  Okay, YOU need to chill!