Scott Frerichs: Pip Bernadott

Quotes 

• [after shooting down Zorin's zeppelin] 

  Pip Bernadott : And zat is how ze cookie fumbles.

  Police Girl : It's "crumbles."

  Pip Bernadott : Ooh, like England.

  Police Girl : Can you not right now?

  Pip Bernadott : I am French, so... non.

• [after fending off Zorin's first assault] 

  Pip Bernadott : Now listen, ma chère. We are in ze thick of it. Zey are getting close, and we cannot pull out now. We shall continue to hold zem off as long as we can, but we need you to flank zem and...

  Police Girl : This is a reach-around joke, innit?

  Pip Bernadott : Bon Dieu, I'm becoming predictable. Whatever, listen: if ze British are good at anysing, it's hunting. And you are hunting ze deadliest game of all.

  Police Girl : Nazi vampires.

  Pip Bernadott : Damn it, zat used to sound so cool! But zen you say it so much, and "Nazi vampires" just sounds stupid.

  Police Girl : Oh, right? Maybe we'll find somethin' else, like maybe a Nazi werewolf.

  Pip Bernadott : Merde, zat sounds SO much worse.

  [some Nazi rockets explode against the side of the building] 

  Pip Bernadott : Oh, right, World War Trois. Ma chère! Like a high-class escort, make zem pay for every inch.

  Police Girl : I can't believe I find you attractive.

  [she runs to her battle station] 

  Pip Bernadott : Donc quoi?

  [he realizes what she just said] 

  Pip Bernadott : Wait, WHAT?

  Willingham : Uh... so, sir? What's the over-under on us finishing this mission alive?

  Pip Bernadott : About as good as any of us actually getting laid tonight.

  Willingham : I dunno. Those vampires do look kinda rapey.

  Hebert : [disturbed]  Holy shit, dude.

  Willingham : Oh, who the fuck am I offending, the NAZIS?

• [Seras shoots down a barrage of V-1 rockets] 

  Pip Bernadott : [over the radio]  Twenty-four for twenty-four, ma chère. You must be a bane to clay pigeons everywhere.

  Police Girl : Actually, if you wouldn't mind, Mr. Bernadotte, my name is Seras Victoria.

  Pip Bernadott : How peculiar. I was under ze impression by ze rest of ze staff zat your name was Police Girl.

  Police Girl : [sighs]  You know what? Fine, "ma chère" it is. Just pay attention for any possible incoming.

  Pip Bernadott : So, ma chère, tell me a little bit about yourself.

  Police Girl : You're serious?

  Pip Bernadott : Come now, we know so little about one anuzzer. And let's be honest, zis may be ze last chance we get to share. So, ma chère, what was it like growing up in England?

  [Seras has a vivid flashback to her parents' brutal murder] 

  Police Girl : I grew up in Leeds. Nothing happened.

  Pip Bernadott : Sounds boring.

  Police Girl : Yes. It was. How 'bout you?

  Pip Bernadott : Oh, um, in ze French countryside, wis my...

  [flashback to Pip's childhood] 

  Pip (Child) : [crying]  Grand-père! Is it true? Is it true what the children at school say? That you are mercenary? That you KILL people?

  Pip's Grandfather : Oh, little Pip. It is much more zan "killing people." It has many complicated facets. I once helped topple a fascist Sous African government in a week. I mean, it was replaced by anuzzer in two, but I still got paid.

  Pip (Child) : But Grand-père, my fellow schoolchildren, they taunt and bully me for it!

  Pip's Grandfather : Wait, quoi? How are you not ze coolest kid in school? Who is it who dares to mock you? Is it zat son of ze butcher, Jean-Paul? Perhaps zat little piggy shall find a grenade in his lunchbox, so when he opens it, it pulls ze pin.

  Pip (Child) : [shocked]  Please do not kill my friends.

  Pip's Grandfather : [kindly]  Oh, mon cher petit-fils... I'M not going to do it.

  Pip (Child) : [squeaking]  Quoi?

  [flash-forward to present] 

  Police Girl : Oh, my God!

  Pip Bernadott : Oh, relax, it was a flashbang. A little bit of tinnitus never hurt anyone. Now, how about zese Nazi fucks?

  Police Girl : Well, I got a couple of grenades for 'em. They ain't flashbangs, though.

  Pip Bernadott : Ah, but zey'll flash and zey'll bang... just how I like it. Now, give zem a proper Hellsing welcome.

  Police Girl : So, a mountain of over-the-top violence, swearing, and unnecessary screaming?

  Pip Bernadott : Exactement.

  Police Girl : Oui, fucking monsieur!

  [she aims her cannons at Zorin's zeppelin] 

  Pip Bernadott : OPEN FIRE!

  [Seras screams and starts shooting] 

• [Seras breaks out of Zorin's illusion and awakens to find that the Hellsing HQ is undamaged and no one is hurt] 

  Erholtz : [cowering in fear]  Please don't stick me in your giant vagina!

  Mercer : [to Erholtz]  Dude, what the fuck!

  Hebert : [holding his arm, believing it's been cut off]  Welp, high-fives are gonna suck now.

  Police Girl : Hold on, did she...

  [she realizes the Wild Geese are still under Zorin's spell] 

  Police Girl : Oh, come on!

  Pip Bernadott : Open ze doors of hell for me, Grand-père! I'm coming home.

  Police Girl : Oh, for Christ's sake.

  [she picks up her rifle and fires at the real Zorin, grazing her face] 

  Zorin Blitz : Argh! My face, you CUNT!

  Police Girl : Ya cunt touch this!

  [the giant Zorin illusion fades away and the Wild Geese snap out of it] 

  Hebert : Holy shit, my arm's back!

  Erholtz : Oh, thank God! I thought she was going to crush me... with her giant vagina.

  Mercer : [disturbed]  Okay, what does your Internet history look like?

  [Seras grabs Pip's shoulders and shakes him] 

  Police Girl : Mr. Bernadotte! It was just an illusion! Like push-up bras or stilettos!

  Pip Bernadott : Wait! You wear a push-up bra?

  Police Girl : I don't wear a bra.

  [beat] 

  Mercer : [turned on]  Ooohhh, my God...

• Pip Bernadott : [Seeing giant Zorin]  Saint putain de merde!

  Hebert : What?

  Police Girl : Holy fucking shit!

  Pip Bernadott : [Meant literally]  What she said!