- Carnac the Magnificent: [holding envelope to forehead] Susan B. Anthony.
- Carnac the Magnificent: [opens envelope and reads] What do you be discoverin' in West Hollywood?
- Carnac the Magnificent: [holding envelope to forehead] On top of Old Smokey.
- Carnac the Magnificent: [opens envelope and reads] Where did Yogi Bear come home to find his wife?
- Johnny Carson: See, the way you keep a job like this for twenty-eight years - you pretend you're interested in every schlemiel who comes out here. That takes... that takes a certain amount of acting, to tolerate sometimes what goes on here - and that's why I get the big, big bucks.
- Johnny Carson: [on Charles Grodin's book] I understand this book is in its fifth printing.
- Charles Grodin: I told you that yesterday.
- Johnny Carson: The first four were blurred, were they? It's an old, it's an old joke, haven't you heard that joke before? It's an old, old joke. But you're an old guest, so what's the difference.
- Johnny Carson: See, we don't know each other well, let's be honest. We don't, we don't hang out together, I've never been out with you socially. You've never invited me to your home.
- Charles Grodin: No. Certainly not.
- Johnny Carson: [audience laughter] And even if you did, I would not come.
- [more laughter]
- Johnny Carson: Uh, I think if we keep the relationship the way it is, it's probably best for both of us. Just kind of mutual, uh, the word is not "admiration", uh... mutual...
- Charles Grodin: Tolerance.
- Johnny Carson: Acceptance, tolerance. Do you know what "tolerance" means?
- Charles Grodin: Not really.
- Charles Grodin: There have been many years when I've been banned from this show. Let's be honest.
- Johnny Carson: And many more to come.
- Johnny Carson: What was the lowest point in your life, other than earlier tonight?
- Charles Grodin: You're takin' my jokes? The lowest point in my life, you mean in show business?
- Johnny Carson: Sure.
- [pause]
- Johnny Carson: No, in the textile business, of course! Of course in show business! What else have you done?
- Charles Grodin: There are things other than show business; people have led...
- Johnny Carson: But I don't know what else you've done outside of show business.
- Charles Grodin: Well, I've lived outside of this.
- Johnny Carson: What was the low point when you were living? You know what I mean?
- Charles Grodin: The lowest point in my life when I was living?
- Johnny Carson: Outside of show business, is what I meant.
- Charles Grodin: Outside of show business.
- Johnny Carson: Outside of show business.
- Charles Grodin: I'll answer that question if you'll answer that question.
- Johnny Carson: Sure.
- Charles Grodin: Okay, what was the lowest point in your life, your personal life, outside of show business?
- Johnny Carson: When I first got divorced.
- Charles Grodin: Your first time?
- Johnny Carson: Mm-hmm.
- Charles Grodin: And that was the hardest time?
- Johnny Carson: Yup.
- Charles Grodin: See, I wouldn't reveal anything that personal.
- [audience laughter, followed by some boos]
- Johnny Carson: You see? Look how they're booing you.
- Charles Grodin: That's, that's nothing. This is sweeps week, so you'll really reveal anything.
- Johnny Carson: Of course! For ratings, I will go through my whole life.
- Charles Grodin: Yeah, well I, I, I too was, was very, very depressed when you were divorced.
- Charles Grodin: [on Charles Grodin's book] You didn't buy a book, and you didn't read the book, either.
- Johnny Carson: I've read the book cover to cover.
- Charles Grodin: You have?
- Johnny Carson: Yes, I have.
- Charles Grodin: And?
- Johnny Carson: ...It's a very, very long book. 308 pages!
- Johnny Carson: You've never been divorced, have you?
- Charles Grodin: Uh...
- [long pause]
- Johnny Carson: Oh, you HAVE. I didn't know that.
- Charles Grodin: I didn't say that.
- Johnny Carson: No, but I can tell. You- apparently you have. This is your second marriage you're on.
- Charles Grodin: What do you mean, "you're on"?
- Johnny Carson: You're currently, you're currently in. Your second marriage. I would guess, by the way you, you hesitated when I said "you've been"- you didn't answer.
- Charles Grodin: I, uh, I have a two year old son. He's Nicky...
- Johnny Carson: Well, I'll alert the media.
- [audience laughter]
- Johnny Carson: From your first wife, or your second wife?
- Charles Grodin: It's, it's from my present wife.
- Johnny Carson: Okay, well you've answered the question.
- Charles Grodin: But the lowest point of my life is probably still to come. Because I haven't...
- Johnny Carson: [interrupting] I'll look forward to THAT!
- [audience laughter]