Death Battle (TV Series)
Bowser VS Ganon (2016)
Ben B. Singer: Wizard
Quotes
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Boomstick : Once upon a time, a giant turtle had a dream. He would conquer the Mushroom Kingdom by turning everyone in it into brick. But one pesky princess had the gall to undo his mystical masonry.
Wizard : Naturally, King Bowser Koopa had only one sensible option: he snatched her up and locked her away in his castle.
[shows the castle from the first Mario game]
Wizard : No, not that castle...
[shows off another castle from a later game, all done up in neon lights]
Wizard : ... that castle.
Boomstick : Because what's a little kidnapping when you've already morphed thousands of innocents into brick?
Wizard : With the princess out of the picture, Bowser finally had it all, until two pesky portly plumbers popped up out of nowhere and procured his petulant princess.
Boomstick : Nice job on that alliteration.
Wizard : I'm surprised you know what alliteration means.
Boomstick : Of course, my conspicuous cohost.
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Wizard : The peaceful kingdom of Hyrule is full of hidden terrors: giant spiders, a dragon who eats rock people...
Boomstick : And that red headed fairy with boobs that'll poke your eyes out and a laugh that can melt any erection.
Wizard : But the most dangerous fiend of all, is the Demon King, Ganon.
Boomstick : However, before he became a giant blue pig demon, Ganon was actually just a man named Ganondorf.
Wizard : Ganondorf was raised in the Gerudo Desert, as a student of magic under the tutelage of the Twinrova Witches.
Boomstick : But while the Gerudo have got some pretty kickass music, growing up in the desert obviously wasn't the best. Because, you know, sand. I don't like sand. It's coarse and rough and irritating and gets every...
Wizard : DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE! Fortunately for Ganondorf and our viewers, his destiny would take him beyond the sand.
Boomstick : See, turns out, he's the reincarnation of the demon Demise, who happens to be the root of all evil. Because what else would you grow up to be with a name like that?
Wizard : Upon his defeat, Demise cursed the blood of the goddess and the spirit of the hero to be forever plagued by a physical embodiment of his rage.
Boomstick : Wow, that's some hardcore shit. Talk about a sore loser. But for Ganondorf, being the lord of demons reborn has its upsides, like being really good at magic.
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Boomstick : If there's one thing to say about Bowser, it's that he never gives up. He's always hatching a new scheme for domination with his army, and you know it's going to involve some princess pilfering.
Wizard : And not only is he tenacious, but he's also incredibly tough.
Boomstick : Probably due to his natural turtley-ness.
Wizard : That's not a real word, but you are correct. Bowser's seemingly indestructible shell can take an insane amount of abuse. As can the rest of him, really.
Boomstick : Not only that, but his shell's great for doling out damage. Probably because of the impale-a-man-sized spikes, which he can shoot out of his shell like a goddamn cannon!
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Wizard : [about Ganondorf] Among the numerous spells he knows, he can summon phantoms to fight alongside him, freeze enemies with waves of darkness, cast deadly curses, teleport, fly, and create orbs of electric energy which can stop foes in their tracks.
Boomstick : And they double as a deadly game of Pong. Also, he's a master swordsman, capable of wielding two blades at once with extreme efficiency. But being the king of all evil with awesome skills wasn't enough.
Wizard : Ganondorf grew jealous of Hyrule's prosperity, and, like any good reincarnation of pure evil, wanted to take it for himself, including the Triforce, a legendary relic said to grant the wish of any who may touch it.
Boomstick : But when it was finally within his grasp, two of its pieces rejected him harder than Wiz's last date. However, the one that stuck around, the Triforce of Power, was kinda the best. It gave him near invulnerability, incredible strength, and unlimited mystical power. Its only downside, or upside, depending on how you see it, is that it turned him into a giant demon pig.
Wizard : With this form came immense power, and a new name: Ganon.
Boomstick : Everything's better with bacon.
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Wizard : Bowser also fights with his razor-sharp teeth and claws, and is capable of lifting and throwing massive amounts of weight.
Boomstick : He can probably even lift your mother, Wiz!
Wizard : Hey!
Boomstick : Lord knows I couldn't. He's also got a bunch of weapons to throw around, like hammers, spike balls, and Mecha-Koopas, all from the safety of the happiest flying machine ever, the Koopa Clown Copter. Is that spelled with C's or K's?
Wizard : An impressive airborne vehicle which can somehow drop ammunition exactly the size of itself, probably via some kind of magic.
Boomstick : Oh, yeah, have we mentioned that this is a magic turtle? He can breathe fire like a dragon, shapeshift into anything, even grow at will to be as big as a castle, which is also a Transformer. You think he can grow his...
Wizard : No, I don't wanna think about it! Have you *seen* a turtle penis? They're horrifying!
Boomstick : I haven't. Why have you?
Wizard : Science... Anyway, with his size increase comes a tremendous boost in power. Not only can he fight a castle, he can pick the whole thing up and throw it!
Boomstick : He's tough enough to survive lava of any temperature, even when it melts off his skin! He's withstood a point blank supernova, and being sucked into a black hole, multiple times!
Wizard : And consider, a black hole is a complete compression of space and time that stretches anything apart, even light itself.
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Wizard : Ganon is fast enough to dodge arrows point blank without even looking, he's strong enough to destroy stone walls and pillars with no effort, and he's tough enough to get back up after having an entire castle fall on him. But while the Triforce of Power supposedly grants him immortality, Ganon can still be slain, and is specifically vulnerable to holy weapons, like the Master Sword, though he has survived being impaled by one, and then killed his executioner with his bare hands. He's also extremely arrogant, often underestimating his smaller, weaker opponents, at least until they drive a sword through his head.
Boomstick : But hey, when your a titanic, nigh-invulnerable pig sorcerer, you can afford to be a bit cocky.
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Boomstick : [talking about Bowser] Man, you'd think with all this awesome power, Bowser could take over the Mushroom Kingdom, like, no problem.
Wizard : Except, he's an idiot. He's constantly underestimating his opponents, he builds traps in his castles which always end up being used against him, and to top it all off, he's illiterate. Still, with his incredibly ferocity and brute force, it's no wonder Bowser strikes fear across the Mushroom Kingdom.
Boomstick : Until they all get together for go-karting or some tennis.
Wizard : Take it from me, Boomstick, you can't always be the bad guy.
Boomstick : Okay...
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[Ganon has utterly annihilated Bowser, by using his magic to decay him into a skeleton and then playing with his bones like a puppet, laughing sadistically as he does]
Boomstick : That'll do, pig. That'll do.
Wizard : Bowser may have had the advantage in brute strength, but Ganon's deadlier magic and superior intellect won out in the end.
Boomstick : Ganon had his fair share of brawn as well, but what really counts is his ability to form a strategy and plan of attack.
Wizard : Regardless of intelligence, both Bowser and Ganon were nearly invulnerable to typical means of harm. Ganon could only be killed by holy weapons like the Master Sword and Silver Arrows, so while Bowser could hurt him, he couldn't exactly kill him.
Boomstick : Meanwhile, Bowser could survive almost anything. Almost. In New Super Mario Bros DS, after falling into some kind of super lava, it's gotta be, since he's survived molten dips before unscathed, he became Dry Bowser, and after a strong enough impact, not even his own magic could reassemble his body.
Wizard : You can even see the light missing in his eyes, so in this case, for all intents and purposes, Bowser was dead by magic and force. With Ganon's unlimited pool of magic power, he not only cursed Bowser's body to decay like he did the Deku Tree, but also blasted him apart with enough force to more than surpass that fall in the castle.
Boomstick : Ganon had this fight war-locked down.
Wizard : The winner is Ganon.