The Cinema Snob (TV Series)

Crime of the Age (2016)

Brad Jones: Cinema Snob

Quotes 

• Cinema Snob : This detective making someone a better Christian is like a Big Mac making someone a better vegan!

• [first lines] 

  Cinema Snob : Move over, Agatha Christie.

• Nurse : Too bad about the book.

  Detective : Yes. It's a terrible crime.

  Cinema Snob : No, murder is a terrible crime despite the movie telling me that a stolen book is worse.

• Cinema Snob : The movie takes place at Bible camp and a detective has been called in to investigate a horrible crime before the camp opens.

  Director : Thank you for coming, detective. Thank you for coming. This is terrible. Just terrible. It's the worst thing that's ever happened at Bible camp.

  Cinema Snob : Neither Angela Baker or Jason Voorhees are in attendance at your camp. Truly the crime can't be that bad. So what is the crime?

  Director : I came in this morning and everything looked fine, but when I got over to my desk, I noticed it. The book was gone.

  Detective : The book was gone?

  Director : The book was gone.

  Cinema Snob : Was the book gone? Is the book gone? Are you sure the book is gone? Please tell me the book isn't gone. So a stolen book is the worst thing to happen at your camp? I'd say this is the most successful summer camp ever put on film. There is, however, a clue.

  Detective : And you didn't notice anything else move or out of place except...

  Detective : [pointing to a carrot on the floor]  ... that carrot?

  Cinema Snob : Great. So Bugs Bunny stole your book. Case closed. These two look old enough to play teenagers in any of the Christiano brothers' other films. The stolen book could only mean one thing.

  Detective : Director, do you know what this could mean?

  Director : No, what?

  Detective : One of your staff members... might not be a Christian.

  Director : No!

  Detective : Yes.

  Cinema Snob : Oh, heaven forbid! Is it a slow day at the police force? Shouldn't you be investigating murders?

  Detective : This is no small matter we're dealing with here. We're not talking about trespassing, robbery, or even murder. We're dealing with a crime much more serious than that.

  Cinema Snob : Oh, forgive me. I forgot that the camp director's stolen Christian book is a worse crime than fucking murder!