- Eleanor Shellstrop: It took me a while to figure it out, but just now as we were all fighting, yelling at each other and each one of us demanding we should go to the Bad Place, I thought to myself, "Man, this is torture." And then it hit me: they're never gonna call a train to take us to the Bad Place. They can't... because we're already here. *This* is the Bad Place.
- [camera zooms in on Michael, who cackles maniacally]
- Michael: Oh, man! I can't believe you figured it out!
- Eleanor Shellstrop: You saw us all on Earth: a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot rich fraud with legs for days - side note, I might legit be into Tahani.
- Chidi Anagonye: I feel like I failed you.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No. Don't ever think that. I was dropped into a cave, and you were my flashlight.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Oh. Goodbye forever. I will miss you so much.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I'll miss you too, you sexy skyscraper.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Okay, I guess I'll speak first. Jason and I are the mistakes. We're the ones who misled everybody and dragged you all into this mess, so we should go to the Bad Place.
- Chidi Anagonye: [simultaneously with Tahani] Agreed.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Yes.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Okay, I thought you were at least gonna pretend to fight me on that, but whatever.
- The Real Eleanor: Chidi, don't go. I don't care if you don't love me. I love you. It's the only thing that makes sense to me in this crazy world. And I...
- Michael: No, stop, Vicki. They figured it out.
- The Real Eleanor: They...?
- Michael: They know it's the Bad Place. Eleanor figured it out.
- The Real Eleanor: [dropping her act] Ugh, man! This was supposed to be my big moment! I just rehearsed that speech for, like, three hours! Damn it, Eleanor, you are the worst.
- [turning to leave]
- The Real Eleanor: You can all suck it.
- Michael: The time has come to innovate. The human afterlife can be more fun; for us, obviously. Not for the people we're torturing. Who cares about those dummies?
- [laughter; a whiteboard is rolled in]
- Michael: I present to you the perfect recipe for my proposed experiment: four people perfectly suited to make each other miserable. I am going to design an afterlife where they torture each other.
- Shawn: We've tried this. Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even getting them to do simple things, like pulling out each other's teeth, is like... I can't think of the right analogy.