- Bookstore Woman: You'll find the zombie literature in our lifestyle section, next to the fertility crystals. If you hit witchballs, you've gone too far.
- Joel Hammond: Isn't that always the case.
- Sheila Hammond: Abby's going through a really hard time right now so you're not going to suspend her, because if you do I will make your life miserable. I can sell your home, I can fuck up your Zillow estimate. I can rezone your neighborhood for horses. I have a notary that will do anything for me. I am a realtor and I can destroy you. It'll all depend on what you say next.
- Principal Novak: Tell Abby I'll see her at school tomorrow.
- Sheila Hammond: Okay, then. You have a lovely evening.
- Joel Hammond: Principal Novak, wait!
- Principal Novak: Leave me alone.
- Joel Hammond: Are you Serbian?
- Principal Novak: Leave me alone!
- Joel Hammond: [grabs car door] I saw the flag in your window. It's Serbian. I saw it in my research.
- Principal Novak: Let go.
- Joel Hammond: Do you speak Serbian?
- Principal Novak: You people are insane.
- Joel Hammond: Do you speak Serbian?
- Principal Novak: No, but my grandmother does. You better let me go, because I live with her and if I'm not home by 8:00... Well, it's not a big deal, because I'm a grown man and I can do whatever I want. Still, I'm leaving.
- Joel Hammond: [engine starts and tires screeching as Novak speeds away] I need to meet your grandmother!