- Joel Hammond: I am not a murderer. OK, technically I am. Not even technically. Literally. But I refuse to be defined by the ONE time I murdered somebody!
- Eric Bemis: Joel, wait. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have talked about Sheila online, and you were right, I was trying to impress all these people. You've been cool your whole life but I've always been well, invisible. So, I was wrong and it won't happen again.
- Joel Hammond: I'm sorry, I was thinking about how handsome I am. What?
- Eric Bemis: Seriously?
- Joel Hammond: Of course not. What do you think I am? I heard you.
- Sheila Hammond: Oh shit, it's the wrong unit.
- Abby Hammond: We're right over the chop shop. What kinda screwed up ventilation system do they have here?
- Sheila Hammond: We tear gassed two innocent people. I just wanted to spend a nice day with my daughter and set a good example. What the fuck happened? I should at least stop cussing, That's not even that fucking hard.
- Joel Hammond: Are you posting about Sheila? You put my whole family at risk!
- Eric Bemis: I thought maybe someone might know something.
- Joel Hammond: Really? Or are you just trying to win some nerd popularity contest?
- Eric Bemis: Ooh, that hurts. Maybe I wasn't thinking clearly because my dual-income household was just reduced to a single-income household.
- Joel Hammond: I knew you weren't cool with me killing your stepdad!
- Eric Bemis: I thought I was, but when a squid's under attack, he throws out ink!
- Joel Hammond: You're not a squid. You're a boy, who smells like a baby!
- Eric Bemis: Do you know how to fold a hoodie?
- Joel Hammond: Yeah. The secret is to not give a shit, 'cause I have to save my wife. Let's go. And I hang mine in the closet.
- Joel Hammond: [extending hand] Hi, I'm Joel, Eric's friend.
- Bordan: I'm thirsty.
- [avoids eye contact and walks away]
- Joel Hammond: What the hell was that?
- Eric Bemis: These people aren't like you. You can't come on that strong.
- Joel Hammond: "I'm Joel" is too strong?
- Eric Bemis: Yes. With those piercing eyes and perfect posture, you're like that hundred-foot-tall Christ statue overlooking Rio.
- Joel Hammond: Come on, I need answers.
- Eric Bemis: Whoa, Jack Bauer, dial it down. Less
- [in gruff voice]
- Eric Bemis: "I need answers" and more...
- [stammering in normal voice]
- Eric Bemis: "Excuse me, hi, I'm so sorry. Um, I have a question."
- Joel Hammond: Yeah.
- Anton: Whoa! Look at this guy. What is your deal? You work for the government? Does anyone here know this dude?
- Eric Bemis: I do. He's cool. SpaceBaller 2000. I moderate the Zombie Town subreddit.
- Anton: Well, if SpaceBaller 2000 vouches for him then I guess I can let my guard down.
- [throws water bottle, which Joel catches while observers gasp]
- Anton: Good reflexes. Bet you played a lot of ball before you sold out and joined Big Brother.
- Joel Hammond: I'm not with the government. I just need your help.
- Anton: Nice try blending in, you handsome thick-haired son of a bitch.
- Eric Bemis: [sighs] I knew I should've bought you a hat.