Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #14.33 (2016)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bill Maher - Host : Finally, new rule, and this one's for Trump voters: if you think you hate the establishment now, wait until he wins and the Trump surrogates - that basket of inexplicables he sends out every day to speak for him - become the establishment. Wait until Steve Cortez and Katrina Pierson and Chris Christie and Omarosa are trundling down the corridors of power bumping into the walls. We're thinking of giving these people the reins of power? I wouldn't put them on the bus without asking the driver to make sure they don't miss their stop.

  [audience laughter and applause] 

  Bill Maher - Host : So, in examining all of Donald Trump's surrogates, very helpful to remember that Trump actually once said this:

  [archive footage of Trump saying "Always be around unsuccessful people because everybody will respect you."] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Well, it does explain Rudy Giuliani.

  [audience laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Rudy Giuliani, who claims America never had a problem with terror attacks until Obama came along. Really? You can't even think of one?

  [audience laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : I'll give you a hint, Rudy: you make your living off of it.

• Bill Maher - Host : I have to say, of all the surrogates, my favorite has to be Mr. Michael Cohen. Just... just take a look at him in action on CNN.

  [footage of Cohen's "says who?" exchange with Brianna Keilar is shown] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Well played, sir. And he's a lawyer. In fact, he's the head lawyer at the Trump Organization. So we know he's awfully busy with lawsuits, like the one Trump filed against me in 2013. Remember that lawsuit? Okay. A lot of people remember it as a defamation... defamation suit; it wasn't. He was suing me to collect $5 million because I offered that to him if he could prove that his mother didn't, in fact, fuck an ape.

  [raucous laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : So... so he went into court. This happened! He went into court and produced his birth certificate, as if it was gonna say "orangutan" on it.

• Bill Maher - Host : Donald Trump also once said "Sometimes people will come into my office, and they'll look great, sound great, dress beautifully. Everything is great, then after you hire them they turn out to be morons." Which explains his sons, Uday and Qusay.

  [audience laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : I mean, Trump Sr. in the White House is bad enough without these two "American Psycho"s putting...

  [audience laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Putting plastic over the furniture so they can ax murder prostitutes while discussing Phil Collins.

• Bill Maher - Host : Have you seen pastor Mark Burns?

  Herself - Guest : Oh, god.

  Bill Maher - Host : He's the "pastor" who gave the benediction at the Republican convention. And I'm not saying he's a total charlatan; it's possible that the free vial of holy oil available from his website can cure the sick.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And if not, you can always use it as righteous lube.

  [more laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : But... but he does seem to have lied about everything.

  [footage of a CNN interview with Burns] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Did you catch that? The interviewer says "I didn't agree this was off the record," and he says "Yeah, but I did."

  Herself - Guest : Right.

  Bill Maher - Host : What do you think for him, Secretary of State, maybe?

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Uh... head of NASA, perhaps?

• Bill Maher - Host : Another familiar face on CNN for the Trump campaign is Marco Gutierrez, a leader of Trump's Hispanic advisory counsel. And quite a spokesman for his peeps he is. He once said "My culture is very dominant culture, and it's causing problems. If you don't do something about it, you're gonna have a taco truck on every corner." Okay, first of all, would that be such a bad thing?

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : You mean when I'm drunk, I don't have to wander around L.A. looking for a taco truck? That's the best argument for Hillary I've heard yet. But... but beyond that, Mr. Gutierrez is a real estate scam artist who's filed for bankruptcy fourteen times. He's not just a Latino *for* Trump. He's a Latino Trump.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Then there's, uh, oh, little Kayleigh McEnany, a kind of Ann Coulter without the empathy.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And another young woman defending Trump, campaign spokesman: someone's crazy ex-girlfriend!

  [laughter] 

  Herself - Guest : Yes.

  Bill Maher - Host : I'm sorry. I mean Katrina Pierson, who wears a necklace made out of bullets, from the Chanel "Don't Tread on Me" collection.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And once defended it by tweeting "Maybe I'll wear a fetus next time."

  Herself - Guest : Ugh.

  [groans from the audience] 

  Bill Maher - Host : [he snickers]  About... good point. About Trump's proposed Muslim ban, she said...

  [footage of Pierson saying "So what? They're Muslim."] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And in 2012, she tweeted "Perfect. Obama's dad born in Africa. Mitt Romney's dad born in Mexico. Any pure breeds left?".

  Herself - Guest : Sick. Sick.

  Bill Maher - Host : Pure breeds? Where do you study your talking points, by the light from a burning cross?

  [laughter and applause] 

  Bill Maher - Host : She also blames Obama for launching the war in Afghanistan, even though it was four years before he was even in the Senate. And has said about nuclear weapons "What good is having them if you're not gonna use 'em?". If this were "The $100,000 Pyramid", I'd say "Things a mental patient says."

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : So what do you think, Ambassador to the U.N. for her?

• Bill Maher - Host : It's interesting that, uh... five, that I count so far, *very* conservative newspapers who have not supported, endorsed a Democrat for a long time - the Arizona Republic since 1896, Cincinnati Enquirer, 1916, Dallas Morning News, 1940, the Houston Chronicle, the San Diego Union Tribute - never support the Democrat. They are doing it.

  [applause] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Magazines. Uh... USA Today.

  Herself - Guest : Yeah.

  Bill Maher - Host : Has never endorsed; they still don't. But they said "don't vote for this one."

  Herself - Guest : Right.

  Bill Maher - Host : Uh... and then magazines. Rolling Stone, the Advocate, Wired have come out for Hillary.

  Himself - Guest : Wow, Rolling Stone. Who would have ever thought that?

• Bill Maher - Host : There are some lesser-known magazines that have come out for Donald Trump. Would you like to see?

  [audience applause] 

  Bill Maher - Host : These are some lesser-known. Lesser-known. Uh, for example, for Donald Trump, "Car and Liar".

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Uh... they say "Mr. Trump owns lots of cars and he lies his ass off. What's not to like?".

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Uh... "Unpopular Science" is for Donald Trump.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Uh... they rave "You can make up practically anything about climate change and this shithead will retweet it."

  Herself - Guest : Absolutely. Absolutely.

  Bill Maher - Host : "Trump is the obvious choice." Uh... "Whine Aficionado".

  [laughter] 

  Herself - Guest : I love that. That's my favorite.

  Bill Maher - Host : They say "You don't see this many bitches at the dog show."

  [groans and laughter] 

  Herself - Guest : Oh, my god.

  Bill Maher - Host : Uh... "American Sociopath".

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Uh... their endorsement reads "While we can't sense or process normal human emotion"...

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : ..."something about this Trump family just feels right."

• Bill Maher - Host : Uh... "Good Housekeeper" magazine.

  [laughter] 

  Herself - Guest : Ohhh. Oh, no.

  Bill Maher - Host : Uh... "We heartily endorse Senor Trump, because if we don't, he'll have us deported."

  Herself - Guest : [laughing]  Oh, no.

  Bill Maher - Host : Um... "Modern Mail Order Bride" magazine.

  [laughter] 

  Herself - Guest : Ooh. Ouch. Ouch.

  Bill Maher - Host : They say "We've done business with this man and the check clears."

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Uh... this magazine translates as "Highlights for Child Laborers".

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And they say "We support the orange American whose..."

  [laughter, as he snickers to himself] 

  Bill Maher - Host : "... whose name we sew on the neckties."

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And, uh... finally. Uh... "Ferret Fancy" magazines says...

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : ..."What's in his head doesn't make him one of us, but what's on his head most certainly does."