Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #14.34 (2016)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bill Maher - Host : I know why you're... oh, listen to this excitement. Thank you very much. I know why you're excited; it's California and you're dry.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : A little too dry. You know, to our friends in Florida on the southeast coast of America, we wish you the best. Look... looks like we dodged a bullet a little bit with that storm. However, with Donald Trump talking about women, it's, uh... it has been upgraded to a category five shitstorm.

• Bill Maher - Host : There is an actual scandal that happened this week, not that there isn't every week with Donald Trump, but at the beginning of the week, we found out in 1995, Donald Trump filed a tax return; $916 million dollar loss. Probably hasn't paid taxes in eighteen years. And what did Donald Trump say? "I used the tax laws brilliantly."

  [scattered laughs] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Well, they found Donald Trump's accountant. He said Donald Trump didn't understand the tax code; he didn't do anything but sign his name to it. So if you're keeping score, he's a huge business failure, which he exploited by cheating, and then bragged about it with a lie.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Somewhere... somewhere in the showers at Sing Sing, Bernie Madoff is going "Shit, I should have run for president."

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Didn't pay taxes for eighteen years? I... I've got an accounting question: how is this election close? Oh, that's right. Fucking idiots. I... I... I try not to say that every week, and yet it seems to be so apropos. Fucking idiots vote.

• Bill Maher - Host : And speaking of fucking idiots, the next debate on Sunday is a town hall format. The questions will come from undecided voters. For fuck's sake, undecided voters? They've been running for over a year, they've been famous, both of these people, for thirty years. It's like being undecided about Santa Claus and Dracula.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : You know, I... I know both of you work at night. Which one sucks blood?

• Bill Maher - Host : It came out today, they got a tape. Did you see this? It's from 2005, I think. And it's, uh, Trump talking to Billy Bush, you know, 'cause he's such a serious guy, Billy Bush. Uh... of "Access Hollywood"; they don't know their mic is on; that's one indication you're a fucking idiot.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And Trump says "you know, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful. I just start kissing them. I don't even wait. When you're a star, you can do anything. You can grab them by the pussy."

  [groans of disgust] 

  Bill Maher - Host : This is what he says! Grab them by the pussy? Sounds like what Hillary did to him at the first debate.

• Bill Maher - Host : You know what, people? Don't fuck around with this election. Don't fuck around. I know Hillary isn't your favorite, a lot of you. Please... don't vote for Gary Johnson, or do some stupid shit like that.

  [laughter and applause] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Gary Johnson? Who, as we know, couldn't name Aleppo, the city at the heart of the Syrian war that's been going on for five years. Couldn't name any foreign leader. This week, he was asked to name the leader of North Korea; said "I... I'm not gonna do it." Gary Johnson, I think, should not be my president. He should be my weed dealer.

• Bill Maher - Host : And finally, new rule: in the next debate, when Donald Trump starts going on about how everything in this country is a total disaster, Hillary must lean into the mic and say "WRONG!".

• Bill Maher - Host : Donald Trump's campaign is built, of course, on many fallacies, but the one we really need to debunk is that America is in such a desperate place that a wild card like Trump is worth the risk. Trump fans talk like they live in a Western town where the banditos are so out of control, only a maverick gunslinger can save them.

  [sterotypical Western music plays] 

  Bill Maher - Host : [dramatically]  A man with no tax code, the fastest tweet in the west, covered in man tan.

  [he snickers to himself as the music stops] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Not really worth that, was it? So...

  [laughter and applause] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Please, I don't need your pity. Wait, wait. I may need your pity.

• Bill Maher - Host : But I give Donald Trump supporters a little credit. They know he's an asshole; it is hard to hide. They just don't care. They'll admit yes, he's dangerous and thin-skinned and unhinged and clinically insane and an egomaniac, a compulsive liar, a... a charlatan with the impulse control of a grease fire.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : But we have to take the risk because America is hanging by a thread. How do we know it is? Donald Trump told me.

  [various clips of Trump are shown] 

  Bill Maher - Host : He's insane. I mean, one of the popular memes on the right these days, I'm not kidding, is that this election is... they're calling it the Flight 93 election. As in the plane on 9/11 that crashed in Pennsylvania after the passengers rushed the cockpit. In other words, things have gotten so bad, it's time to rush America's cockpit. As the creator of the metaphor put it, "You may not make it into the cockpit, but if you don't try, death is certain." Really? President Hillary equals certain death? What do they think she's gonna do, pour lead in the water supply? Oh, wait. That was the Republicans in Michigan.

  [applause] 

  Bill Maher - Host : So... so there's that view, and then there's the facts. Remember them?

  [feigned laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Facts. So old school, aren't they? But they tell us the country is actually in pretty good shape. Violent crime at its lowest since 1970. The military, better funded than ever. Trump says our health care is a horror show, but more Americans have insurance than ever, fewer are smoking, cancer is down, teen pregnancy is down, alcohol abuse is down, somehow Dick Cheney is still alive.

  [racous laughter; from laughing so hard, James Carville spits up] 

  Bill Maher - Host : [handing him a napkin]  You want a...?

  [as the laughter dies down] 

  Bill Maher - Host : Eight years ago, we were losing 800,000 jobs a month. Now we've added 14 million. The stock market went from under 7,000 to over 18. Consumer sentiment is as high as it was in the '80s under Saint Reagan. The economy today is actually better than the one Mitt Romney promised in 2012 when he said he would get unemployment under six. Trump says "You have great economists that will tell you the unemployment rate is thirty, thirty-two." No. Every economist knows it's five, because they get their numbers from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, not from the Department of "I'm Hearing."

  [laughter and applause] 

  Bill Maher - Host : If Mitt Romney were running on this economy, the people with the "Make America Great" hats would have "Re-elect Romney" stickers on their Rascal scooters. But the president isn't a white man with an "R" next to his name, so it's Flight 93. You know, I've read so much crap about how Trump voters are hurting, and we should respect their anger and their pain. It's a myth that the media swallowed whole. The average Trump primary voter makes $72,000 a year. No more likely to be hurt by immigration or trade or to be out of work. Donald Trump doesn't really have solutions, and his supporters don't really have problems. The only thing poor about them is their judgment.

  [applause] 

  Bill Maher - Host : They're hysterics, and they think President Tupac spent eight years...

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : ...spent eight years turning the American dream into Nightmare on Black Street and Hillary...

  [more laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : ...and Hillary's gonna finish the job.

• Bill Maher - Host : The reason why Trump is so popular with a certain type of voter is because they're kindred spirits. These white men sitting at the end of the bar, nursing a gin and tonic 'cause their dick doesn't work anymore.

  [laughter] 

  Bill Maher - Host : And life didn't pan out the way they wanted, so they sit there crabbing about how "the system's rigged against them and America's not winning anymore and we're getting pushed around by everybody; China and Mexico and women and blacks, who have so many advantages over white people." At the convention, Trump said "I am your voice." For once, he wasn't lying. He is your voice, because you're a whiny little bitch.