- Johnny Carson: They're buying everything in sight, the Japanese! Have you seen the Statue of Liberty lately? She's holding a Sony flashlight, and reading a menu from Benihana's.
- Johnny Carson: [reading the UCLA Extension catalogue] "Larry King shares his thoughts on his work, and describes some of his most memorable experiences" - you can go take that course. Fourteen bucks - his extension course... Gee, that's pretty cheap, Larry. Fourteen bucks?
- Johnny Carson: [describing a UCLA Extension course] Naval Music of 1912 - learn the songs played by the dance band on the Titanic while naval officers in hoop skirts slide past you at a 45° angle.
- Johnny Carson: [describing a UCLA Extension course] Fast Food Forensics - students will be asked to dissect a Taco Bell burrito, and identify anything still moving.
- Jack Lemmon: [on his character's age] Olympia refers to it only once, and said, "He's a 78-year-old man; he's becoming a sex maniac" - That's why I took the part.
- Jack Lemmon: [on visiting his mother after his 1962 marriage] We were sitting, having a drink in her apartment - and she looked at the two of us, and we were happy as clams at high tide - and she said, "By god, I think I'll get married again." And I said, "Really?" And she said, "And if I do, he's gonna be about 6-3, and about 204 pounds, and he's gonna be all muscle, and he's gonna look like an Adonis!" And I said, "Well, do you think you can handle somethin' like that?" And she said, "Hell, yeah - it comes back to you, just like swimming."
- Steven Wright: Whenever I fill out an application, it says, "In case of emergency, notify ____". I put "doctor". What the hell is my mother gonna do?
- Steven Wright: On the walls of my house, I have paintings of the rooms above them, so I never have to go upstairs.
- Steven Wright: I didn't have a toy train - I had a toy subway. You look at the floor, didn't see anything - just every once in a while, you'd hear the rumbling go by.
- Johnny Carson: How's your personal life, outside of, uh... Anything else happen there?
- Steven Wright: It's - it's good. It - from what I hear, it's good.
- Johnny Carson: Rather interesting movie on the other night called the, uh, "The Final Days". How many of you watched that, the last days of Richard Nixon?
- [scattered applause]
- Johnny Carson: Remember those most terrifying days when Spiro Agnew was just a heartbeat away from the presidency? Now it doesn't seem so bad!
- [audience laughs]
- Johnny Carson: It was a, who was the actor who played Nixon? A good job. Lane Smith, is that his name? But the other casting was a little weird. Was that Al Hague or Willard Scott playing the...? Anyway, it had a dramatic finish, with Nixon stepping off the helicopter, you remember when he left office and came out to San Clemente. But they missed a big scene chance there. They should've had Nixon step on Ford's toe, and Nixon says, "Pardon me." And Ford says, "Sure."