The Magicians (TV Series)

We Have Brought You Little Cakes (2017)

Hale Appleman: Eliot Waugh

Photos 

Quotes 

• Eliot Waugh : I don't pretend to understand what you've been through, but I can tell you the way you're relating to that couch is not unknown to me.

  Julia Wicker : Then you know I want to be alone.

  Eliot Waugh : And, um, also that you probably shouldn't be right now.

• Margo Hanson : I look like Jack Sparrow if he were played by a man.

  Eliot Waugh : I was actually thinking more like a fem bot Nick Fury.

• Eliot Waugh : What's in my book?

  William 'Penny' Adiyodi : You do your recon, find out Prince Ess of Loria has taken Whitespire.

  Eliot Waugh : Shit.

  William 'Penny' Adiyodi : Then kidnap Idri, who I guess is a rat? Turn him back, then camp here trying to find the perfect spell to force Ember to keep his mitts off of Fillory.

  Eliot Waugh : But if my book ends, then-...

  William 'Penny' Adiyodi : Then exactly. We know that doesn't work, so you need to do anything else anything. Pick a plan and commit.

  Eliot Waugh : If it's written, isn't it *written*?

  William 'Penny' Adiyodi : Yes, but I think you can change it.

  Eliot Waugh : Okay, so we can save Fillory if we subscribe to a "free will" view of the universe, which is fair.

• Eliot Waugh : I was angry and scared of what you were capable of, but you were doing your best in an impossible position that would've crushed anyone, myself included.

  [pause] 

  Eliot Waugh : Wait, is your good eye crying right now?

  Margo Hanson : No. Yes. And it's not my good eye, it's my only fucking eye.

  [Eliot chuckles a little] 

  Margo Hanson : It's not funny, you dick, I'm a Cyclops!

  Eliot Waugh : A mythological monster at last. Box checked.

• Margo Hanson : We're trying too hard.

  Eliot Waugh : Pardon?

  Margo Hanson : To just blow past it and banter. It's not the same. Let's not pretend it is, okay? That makes it hurt worse.

  Eliot Waugh : I guess we'll just have to live with the strain till the future reveals itself. Meantime, that future is going to be a big, blank, post-apocalyptic nada unless we do what we do best.

  Margo Hanson : Act out with a total lack of empathy and impulse control?

  Eliot Waugh : Party like the world depends on it, 'cause Bambi One Eye, it do.

• Eliot Waugh : Come with me and help me try to convince Ember to let us keep Fillory.

  Julia Wicker : Why?

  Eliot Waugh : Because I have never met anyone less willing to take no for an answer.

  Julia Wicker : But I betrayed you, remember?

  Eliot Waugh : [Inhales deeply]  That was a long time ago. I need help, and you do too. Let's kill a few birds. What do you say? Wanna put some pants on and help me save all of magic?

• Margo Hanson : Democracy has to take a backseat. Without magic, the people are terrified, and that is just one step from an angry mob.

  Eliot Waugh : And that's how royal heads end up in baskets. I get it. I get it.

  Margo Hanson : This is an undereducated, pre-industrial populous, Eliot. They need to be ruled.

  Eliot Waugh : They *need* to be inspired.

  Margo Hanson : They need to *think* they're being inspired as they're being ruled.

• Eliot Waugh : Fillory needs you. You chose to be a king. This is what that means. We have a plan, but... we need someone who speaks fluent fanboy.

• Eliot Waugh : Oh, my God. I threw better orgies when I was ten.

• Eliot Waugh : We've fallen down on the job, but boredom is death. I totally agree.

  Ember : Ugh, isn't it though?

  Eliot Waugh : It is. But we can make Fillory more exciting and and watchable than ever. That's our pitch. It's a new chapter and the title is "Shit Tons of Drama and Surprise".

• Eliot Waugh : We are officially a land of godless heathens, making today the first day of our societal adulthood. I, for one, am slightly terrified and equally excited. And trying not to break into "Hamilton". And so, I turn over the next phase of our maturation to our High Queen Margo.

  Margo Hanson : We need a constitution.

  Gillen : Pardon?

  Margo Hanson : [Hands the counsel scrolls of paper]  These are some pretty good ones here, so let's rip off the best parts.

• Margo Hanson : I'm talking curfew, martial law, conscription, and severe and public punishment.

  Eliot Waugh : Okay. Can we maybe make our way to King and Queen Caligula, please?

• Eliot Waugh : Wait, what about a human sacrifice?

  Margo Hanson : No.

  [pause] 

  Margo Hanson : Unless the cakes are bad.