- Michael: Now, normally, our omniscient system perfectly analyzes each person's profile, and then matches him or her with another person. But in your case, the system matched you with two other people. It's a rare occurrence, like... like a double rainbow, or someone on the Internet saying, "You know what? You've convinced me I was wrong."
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Is your name Chidi?
- Chidi Anagonye: Yes?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Ah! I knew you weren't a soup.
- Michael: What are you doing here? Why-why aren't you with Eleanor?
- Chris Baker: Oh, I told her I was going to the gym again.
- Michael: Why would you say that in the middle of a party?
- Chris Baker: You told me to.
- Michael: No, I didn't.
- Chris Baker: You said if Eleanor tries to confess that she doesn't belong here, find a reason to avoid her. Like saying "I'm going to the gym." So that's what I've been saying.
- Michael: That was a suggestion of the *type* of thing you could say. Don't...
- [alarmed]
- Michael: How many times have you specifically told her you were going to the gym?
- Chris Baker: Five. No, nine.
- Michael: You dimwit!
- Chris Baker: Hey, man. I was perfectly happy in my old job in the twisting department. People came in, and I'd twist them until they snapped in half, and I'd move on to the next one. But this job is weird! It's all talk, no twisting. So if you don't like the way I do it, get somebody else.
- Chidi Anagonye: Okay, so if we got all the way to Scanlon, we must have been studying very intensely for a very long time. Or you grabbed a random book of mine and just tore a page out.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I'm gonna be honest. That sounds more like me.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: I'm quite confused.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Let me explain, gorgeous. I don't know what this place is, but it is certainly not the Good Place. Michael is forking with us.
- Jason Mendoza: Like a prank show?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Yeah! Like a prank show! Except, according to this note, it's a prank show we've all been on before.
- Michael: What note?
- Michael: Eleanor Shellstrop, you sneaky little so-and-so. That was some quick thinking. I'm extremely impressed. And to be honest, I'm relieved. At least there's an explanation for why this all went south so fast. But you're not gonna be so lucky next time.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Next time?
- Chidi Anagonye: What?
- Michael: Yeah.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: He's gonna do it again.
- [she crumples up the note and puts it in her mouth]
- Michael: That's not gonna work this time, dummy.
- Michael: I know that this kind of large scale deception is not what you were trained to do. There are gonna be days when you're just sick of being around these disgusting humans, with their weird, gross little mouths and their stupid elbows. You're gonna be tempted to say 'Screw it. Can't we just go back to HQ, and do this the old-fashioned way? Pull out some fingernails, toss someone in an acid pit, fire up the old penis flattener?'. And sure... sure, that sounds nice, but it also sounds easy. We're all here because we believe that there's a better way to make humans miserable. And I... I believe in you. So, 'torture' on three. Ready? One, two, three...
- [the group choruses 'Torture!']
- Chuck: And biting!
- Michael: Nope! No.
- Shawn: Is everything in place for version two?
- Michael: Yep! We're keeping everything from version one that made them miserable, adding a bunch of new stuff that they'll hate. For example, all the coffee is from those little pods.
- [laughs]
- Michael: Diabolical.
- [Seeing Shawn's stoic expression]
- Michael: Plus, they will all have new soulmates, of course. You gotta trust me on this, boss. I've thought of everything. I won't let you down.
- Shawn: I think you will. I think this entire project of yours is stupid and doomed to fail. I think you're going to be retired, eliminated from existence, and burned on the surface of a billion suns. And I have no doubt that you and your cockamamie experiment will go down in history as colossal failures.
- Chidi Anagonye: So, making decisions isn't necessarily my strong suit.
- Michael: I know that, buddy. You-you once had a panic attack at a Make-Your-Own-Sundae bar.
- Chidi Anagonye: There were too many toppings and very early in the process you had to commit to a chocolate palette or a fruit palette. And if you couldn't decide, you wound up with kiwi-Junior Mint-raisin, and it just ruins everyone's night.
- Michael: How's it going?
- Gayle: We're having some trouble with Eleanor. She's not engaging in conversation. She's not drinking.
- Michael: Eleanor's not drinking? She brought a flask in the car during her driver's test. Okay, we need to keep things moving here. I'm about to make her talk for an hour. She'll definitely end up insulting somebody.
- Michael: Okay, we can still salvage this. Where's Eleanor?
- Angélique: She's gone. I can't find her anywhere.
- Bambadjan: Maybe she left with Chidi? He's gone, too.
- Michael: What?
- Luang: Or maybe she left with Jason.
- Michael: You lost Jason? How's that even possible? Your only job is to stand next to that idiot.
- Luang: I got distracted by the fire. I love fire. You know, my main job is to burn people with fire.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Are you gonna talk or just walk around like a nerd trying to get a personal best on his Fitbit?
- Chidi Anagonye: I'm sorry. I'm trying to process a tremendous amount of insane information. I mean, you're not supposed to be here. But you and I clearly met here somehow before now. I mean... does that mean that I'm not supposed to be here?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I don't know, dude. Were you a good person on Earth?
- Chidi Anagonye: Well, I-I think so. I spent my life in pursuit of fundamental truths about the univ...
- [Gasps]
- Chidi Anagonye: Oh, no! I used almond milk in my coffee, even though I knew about the negative environmental impact.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: What?
- Chidi Anagonye: Eleanor, what do we do?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I don't know, dude! But we better figure it out soon or we're doomed.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: When I got here, some robot lady appeared out of thin air and gave me this.
- [Shows him the note]
- Chidi Anagonye: You mean Janet.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Oh! That's it. Janet.
- Janet: [appearing] Hi, there.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Not now, Janet. Buzz off.
- Janet: Okay.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Now, I have no memory of writing this, but it is my handwriting. And that's your name, right? So, for some reason, at some point, I put this note into... that whatever-lady's robot mouth.
- Chidi Anagonye: You already forgot her name.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No, I didn't. Her name is... Janet.
- Janet: [appearing again] Hi, there.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [gasping in surprise] Fork off.
- Chidi Anagonye: I know that book.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Is that some kind of nerd pick-up line? Because it's only kind of working.
- Chidi Anagonye: No. The-the note you showed me before?
- [she takes the note out]
- Chidi Anagonye: Right, this is from a book called "What We Owe to Each Other". I used to teach it. I was a professor of ethics and moral philosophy.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: All right, brag much?
- Chidi Anagonye: No, I'm trying to help you.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Sorry. Okay.
- Chidi Anagonye: I have never seen you before in my life, but I think, somehow, that we know each other.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: That definitely sounded like a pickup line, and I'm not not interested, but we need to figure this out first.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: I made a complete fool of myself tonight. I interrupted your big speech, badly stained my cargo pants, which, I have to admit, are quite comfortable. Oh, God, what's happened to me? I'm praising off-the-rack separates!
- Tomás: Are you alright, my dear?
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Yes, just not used to dressing like a plumberess, or is that what you call a female plumber, or is it a toilet sweep?
- [chuckles]
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Or a clog wench? In any case, that's how I'm dressed.