Pete Holmes: Faces and Sounds (2016 TV Special)

Pete Holmes: Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• Pete Holmes : Unicorn? Excuse me, unicorn? How about unihorn? It has one horn. It has no corn.

• Pete Holmes : I mostly do faces and sounds. That kind of what it is - that's what I do. Yeah. Comedy doesn't have to be hard.

• Pete Holmes : You are right to groan. That is a terrible joke, but it's the only joke tonight that you'll remember.

• Pete Holmes : That's it. No twists or turns on that one.

• Pete Holmes : This theater is way too nice for the jokes I am about to tell.

• Pete Holmes : Your brain is an asshole. It doesn't love you all the time.

• Pete Holmes : But I'm a silly, silly fun boy, right?

• Pete Holmes : If you're not laughing, you're not picturing a fully-grown naked man, but instead of an erection he has a yellow stick of butter.

• Pete Holmes : Sorry, baby, it is Land O'Lakes down there.

• Pete Holmes : I can't believe it's not an erection.

• Pete Holmes : What you know about green eggs and ham?

• Pete Holmes : If I were a woman, every time I got wet, I would go: "High tide."

• Pete Holmes : Dicks are no picnic either.

• Pete Holmes : It's like a bouncy house. It takes a while to deflate.

• Pete Holmes : So weird to have this flesh spear jutting out from your body, that's you, but it's also not you. Like it has it's own suggestions like: "Let's go to the beach and leer!"

• Pete Holmes : I'm so tired of men being painted as these thoughtless grunts that are like: "Sex is available!" - - followed by grunting, screaming, and humping into the air.

• Pete Holmes : If you wanna f**k me, Boyz ll Men me! Draw a bath.

• Pete Holmes : I like to say I'm straight, but I like to say that I am 68 days straight.

• Pete Holmes : Not all men like strip clubs. I have glitter on my face. Guys were like: "I know where you were." "Yeah? I was making crafts."

• Pete Holmes : Ever clicked on something weird and take in a moment to be grateful that you're not aroused?

• Pete Holmes : I am a straight man, but I think sexuality is a spectrum.

• Pete Holmes : They hired a dancer, she came on stage already naked. No narrative. No narrative. No story. No build. She's already naked. First move, she spun around, bent over in my face. That was her opening.

• Pete Holmes : You're admitting defeat. You're like. "I couldn't get my titties free range."