Real Time with Bill Maher (TV Series)

Episode #15.11 (2017)

Bill Maher: Self - Host

Photos 

Quotes 

• Self - Host : I understand, or at least I thought I did, Republican principles. Greed, fear, racism, sure. But why bring back asbestos? Yeah, asbestos, another dick move on their agenda. Who the fuck is still in the corner of Big Asbestos in 2017?

  [scattered laughter] 

  Self - Host : When was the last time you heard someone say "Yeah, we just bought a house. Can't wait to move in, but not until we install the asbestos."

• Self - Host : What would a dick do if... if there was a pesticide that was found to impair cognitive development in children? Use it, of course. Last week, our new anti-EPA EPA okayed the use of Chlorpyrifos, which the Obama administration was in the process of banning because they had a no-tolerance policy on substances that can cause brain damage in children, but President Trump says "Whatever. I ate paint chips as a kid."

  [laughter] 

  Self - Host : "And look at me. I is President."

  [laughter] 

  Self - Host : But, really? Not even children in the mix stops you from the prime directive of being a dick? Nope. They see a chance to be a dick, and they grab it. Same way they lost their minds when Michelle Obama tried to get kids to eat vegetables. "Vegetables? What is this, a high school or a Whole Foods?"

  [laughter] 

  Self - Host : And school lunch programs? That just encourages a dependency on food. "No more free ride, you lazy six-year-olds. You wanna eat? You do what kids in China do, sew ties for President Trump."

• Self - Host : Finally, what possible reason, other than spite, could they have for killing the agreement Obama made with the car companies? To get all cars up to an average of 55 miles a gallon in eight years. This was a done deal. An industry that we taxpayers bailed out, and is now making record profits, already agreed to it. It makes the air cleaner. It makes us more energy-independent. It saves people money that they can spend on other things. It was a win-win-win-win. That's called a no-brainer, which would lead you to believe even Republicans could get it right. All they had to do was nothing. Their specialty.

  [applause] 

  Self - Host : But, no... no, no, no, it goes against the prime directive of, let's say it together...

  [with the audience participating] 

  Self - Host : ...being a dick.

• Self - Host : And finally, new rule: Republicans have to learn the difference between being conservative and just being a dick.

  [applause] 

  Self - Host : So much of what they have done since Trump took over isn't moving the party in a more conservative direction; it's also not a libertarian move. It's just a dick move. Take, for instance, the bizzare decision to reverse the ban on lead ammunition; for over a decade, we've been moving away from lead bullets because when a...

  [wink wink] 

  Self - Host : ..."sportsman" experiences the exquisite joy that comes from blowing the head off a chimpmunk or a wolf and leaves it to rot, bald eagles eat the carcass, and when it has lead in it, it poisons them to death slowly and painfully. If it doesn't have lead, eagles - you know, the symbol of our fucking country, before they were replaced by a trucker hat...

  [applause] 

  Self - Host : ...if it doesn't have lead in it, they don't die. Why not leave that rule alone? Because hunting is a sacred sport? Is it even really a sport? Is it a sport if one team doesn't know the game is going on?

  [laughter and applause] 

  Self - Host : Were voters in 2016 asking that we poison eagles? Does it get anyone a job? Does it save money? Does it do anything conservativism is supposed to be about? No. It's just about some warped idea that the way to show strength is by being a dick. And that, in a nutshell, is what Republicanism has become: looking at any problem and saying "What would a dick do?"