- Himself - Host: And finally, new rule - and this one goes out to our own show business industry here in Hollywood - you can go ahead and make every TV show and movie about the exact same thing. But if you do, you can't call the newspaper that covers that industry "Variety".
- [laughter and applause, followed by whoops and hollers]
- Himself - Host: Now, I know conservatives think Hollywood ruined America by promoting race mixing, drugs, and twisted smut, and I agree those things should be taught at home.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: But that's not how Hollywood ruined America. It did it by making everything about superheroes. If they remade "Singin' in the Rain" today, it would be called "Dance Man vs. Wet: Insurrection".
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: If all I ever wanted to do was watch people fight and fly and fly and fight, I'd travel on United.
- Himself - Host: Listen to this lineup of TV shows currently on the air: "Daredevil", "Flash", "Gotham", "Supergirl", "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.", "Legends of Tomorrow", "Luke Cage", "Jessica Jones", "Arrow", "Preacher", "Iron Fist", which I hope is not porn.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: And in the fall, we're getting more. "The Defenders", "The Gifted", "The Punisher", "Krypton", "Inhumans". And that's just TV. At the multiplex last year, we had "Captain America 3", "X-Men 6", "Batman vs Superman", "Deadpool", "Doctor Strange", "Suicide Squad", and "Ninja Turtles 5". And already this year we've had "Wolverine 3" and "LEGO Batman", with "Wonder Woman", "Justice League", "Spider-Man 6", and "Thor 3" in the can. And if you had that many guys in your can, you'd be "thor", too.
- Himself - Host: And if you're asking "What's the problem?", the problem is that superhero movies imprint this mindset that we are not masters of our own destiny and the best we can do is sit back and wait for Star Lord and a fucking raccoon to sweep in and save our sorry asses. Forget hard work, government institutions, diplomacy, investment. We just need a hero to rise. And so we put out the Bat-signal for one man who could step in and solve all of our problems very quickly. Ugh. And that's how we got our latest superhero, Orange Sphincter.
- [laughter and cheers as a mock-up movie poster featuring Donald Trump flying through the air is shown]
- Himself - Host: Yes, Orange Sphincter. Sent from Planet Asshole to save...
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: ...save mankind, protected by his power smirk and his golden helmet.
- [a picture of Trump with his hair highlighted is shown]
- Himself - Host: Joined by faithful allies Boy Wonder...
- [a picture of Paul Ryan is shown]
- Himself - Host: ...and Stingy Mutant Turtle.
- [laughter as a picture of Mitch McConnell is shown]
- Himself - Host: And his Alfred, Captain Buzzkill.
- [laughter as a picture of Mike Pence in a tuxedo is shown]
- Himself - Host: Orange Sphincter never stops battling his archnemesis, Crooked Hillary.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: And her vile sidekick, Private Server.
- Himself - Host: Like Batman, Orange Sphincter is a billionaire socialite from Gotham. Like Superman, he has a red cape, but wears it in the front.
- [laughter as a picture of Trump with one his long, red ties blowing in the wind is shown]
- Himself - Host: Like Aquaman, he can communicate with whales.
- [laughter as a picture of Trump with Chris Christie is shown]
- Himself - Host: And like...
- [he laughs, cracking himself up]
- Himself - Host: ...Spider-Man, he has a Spidey sense that allows him to see things other people cannot.
- [footage of Trump speaking about the crowd at his inauguration is shown]
- Himself - Host: Which all would be funnier if so many people in this country didn't really believe in Orange Sphincter. Didn't really believe that he possesses "super deal-making powers and a superior brain" that can solve in minutes issues that have plagued the country for decades. After all, he has actually said "In a short period of time, I understood everything there was to know about health care" and "It would take an hour and a half to learn everything there is learn to about missiles." Even Brainiac couldn't do that.
- [laughter]
- Himself - Host: Peace between Israel and the Palestinians? "It's something that I think is, frankly, maybe not as difficult as people have thought over the years." Yes, because they were mere mortals; whereas Orange Sphincter, like all superheroes, doesn't feel a need to play by the rules. On tax returns, fraternizing with the enemy, grabbing pussies, respecting facts, conflicts of interest. These are all the concerns of smaller men. As he put it during an address to the people of Earth...
- [footage of Trump saying "I alone can fix it" is shown, followed by a campy "BAM!" inter-card]
- Himself - Host: So how does this superhero story end? What is the fate of Orange Sphincter? Well, this one is a little bit trickier, because in this one, the superhero is the villain. And that should make us all remember that in this fight for America, we need to be our own superheroes.