- Self - Host: In the summer of 2016, President Obama knew the Russian meddling was a hundred percent targeted to elect Trump, and chose not to say anything. He didn't use it because he was afraid of how it would look. Republicans never care how things look; did Mitch McConnell care how it looked when he stole Obama's Supreme Court pick? No! He did it for the same reason a dog licks his balls; 'cause he can.
- [laughter and applause]
- Self - Host: For decades, Republicans accused Democrats of being soft on Russia. Now we got a Republican president who isn't just soft on Russia, he's totally hard for it.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: Everyone he knows has had secret meetings with the Russians and lied about it, including the National Security Advisor, the Attorney General, and the royal son-in-law. They hijacked the election and he invites them into the Oval Office, gives them secret intel, admits to obstruction of justice on TV. But when asked about impeachment, Nancy Pelosi says...
- [a clip of Pelosi is shown, and a lower-third chyron appears]
- Self - Host: Yo, look below you. It says "Trump shared classified information with the Russian foreign minister."
- Self - Host: You know, we keep having these special elections where Democrats keep almost winning; and by that, I mean losing. Since 2009, Democrats have lost over 800 seats in state legislatures. They don't control a single chamber in the South. They only have 16 governors. Even Radio Shack is like "How are you guys still in business?"
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: After Congressman-elect Gianforte was charged with assault, reporters approached his Democratic opponent, who said... nothing. He declined to comment. And here's the radio ad the fearsome Democrats made after the assault.
- [said ad is shown]
- Self - Host: Ooh, burn!
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: Yes, there's nothing that moves voters in Butte, Montana like Socratic irony.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: You know, the Democrats' symbol is a mule, because that's the other animal that just stands there when you beat it.
- Self - Host: Would Republicans be so reserving of judgment? Even after Hillary was exonerated, they were chanting "Lock her up!", not "Wait and see!". It's one thing to bring a knife to a gunfight; the Democrats are bringing a covered dish.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: Adam Schiff says, "No one ought to rush to embrace the most extraordinary remedy that removes the president," and Eric Swalwell concurs; he says, "We need to assemble all the facts." Facts? Have you listened to this administration? Facts don't count anymore! They're disdained. They're pariahs. They're Charlie Sheen's dick.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: "When they go low, we go high" is a great applause line, but as a tactic? What country do you think you're living in now? Wake up and smell the asshole. Because it turns out when they go low, they get re-elected. They take the Congress, the Supreme Court, the presidency. From now on, the Democratic motto should be "When they go low, we kick them in the nuts."
- [laughter and applause]
- Self - Host: Democrats have to start actually winning elections. I want some candidates on my team who can, at least metaphorically, body-slam the Republicans.
- [imitating Sean Connery in "The Untouchables"]
- Self - Host: "They put a journalist in the hospital, we put a lobbyist in the morgue."
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: Last year, Republican Congressman Michael McCaul said about Hillary's infamous private server, he said, "In my opinion, quite frankly, it's treason." See? They're not afraid to say the "T" word, about nothing! Her private server was treason? No. Trump being Putin's private server, *that's* treason.
- Self - Host: And, finally, new rule: when it comes to how you run for office, there has to be a middle ground between body-slamming reporters and whatever it is the Democrats are doing.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: You may have seen last week that on the eve of a special election for the House seat in Montana, a ridiculous, bald bastard named Greg Gianforte, running for the Republicans, physically assaulted a reporter for asking a question about healthcare.
- [an audio clip of that exchange is played]
- Self - Host: And then he won the election by seven points. Naturally, Democrats were ecstatic, because Trump won the state by 20, so we beat the spread!
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: We beat the spread!